The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Seems like I will never get what I wish/need/want out of this relationship. For some reason, since today, I am looking at things with my eyes more open now and I realized a few things. No matter if I express how I feel or wait and see what happens and not react, it remains the same.
Yes, I feel more wanted for a few days, and then things go back to the way they were. I am trying to accept the fact that I will probably never be number one, and at the same time, I know that I can't and don't want to live that way.
I thought (wrong) that we had an understanding after we talked yesterday and he seemed like he cared, but today, he showed me again that the conversation was pointless. Right now, I can't think of one thing I like about him. Seems like our relationship is dead.
So I'm not sure what to do and knowing this, I'm not going to make any changes right now. I know I have a lot of codependency issues, more than I thought before. A lot of times I don't know what would be "normal" relationship behavior or not.
My own ESH is that I was always trying to squeeze something out of the ex A. At times he seemed like he could give it but generally he wasn't capable of it.
If you do puruse looking at your codependent issues I know for me what I need and don't need from relationships got a lot clearer.
in the daily book called "Courage to Change," January 1st's entry says something like "expecting love from an alcoholic is like trying to get bread at a hardware store." (paraphrasing.) i don't think it means it's hopeless, it just means you have to change your own expectations. also it mentioned to look at how the alcoholic expresses their love in different ways, not the ones you expect.
in my experience, he would show love by *doing* things, running errands, fixing things, cleaning ... i wanted hugs and kisses, or words, but he was not capable of that. yet he did a lot of what he called "expressing his love." i changed my thinking and began to appreciate what i had, instead of expecting more. that was very hard for me, but it did work at the time. i hope this helps.
__________________
To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
I understand what you are saying and it would be nice to see him "doing things", but that is not the case lately. Things change with him every so often which I guess is to be expected. For quite a while it was better. Now he's doing absolutely nothing to show me anything.
The one thing he does do is pay his part of the bills, that's it. No helping around the house, very few trips together, which is only usually to the grocerystore when he needs something, basically.
I was hoping that at some point in his sobriety he can start to express love towards me, and it hasn't happened yet. I don't get how someone isn't capable of hugging their partner etc, if they used to do it when active, and suddenly they can't do it anymore? Then don't they miss those things too?
Seems to me like a dead end. I either stay stuck or turn around and go in a different direction. I'm not forcing him to be in a relationship with me. I want to live life and don't want to waste any more of it.
The ex A who I was with had a very hard time showing love at all. He was not one to arrange outings, do things, help out. I also found myself very depleted around that. I just felt frustrated and the frustration led to deep dark resentment. I think its good you are looking at your feelings and being willing to take action. I would urge you to make a plan be before you put those actions in place.
