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I never thought I would be faced with such a troublesome situation within my own family. My daughter, who will be 4 this Sunday, has been struggling not seeing her dad.
My divorced was final from him back in May of last year. I was award sole custody and he was granted supervised visitation. I participated in the visitations for quite a number of months, things seem to be moving along smoothly. I then felt it was OK to allow her to stay with her grandmother while he visited her there. The truth behind that- she was actually staying with her dad. Then my ex-AH moved in with an older woman. I was filled with resentment within when I met her. How can he be happy, when I was left to pick up all the pieces of his mistakes. He walked away- with no familial responsibilities except for the child support.
I was not receiving much child support from her dad. The past two months, I received very little- $0 for December and $100 for January. He owes over $400 a month, legally. We had not heard from him since prior to Thanksgiving. My daughter didn't receive one present, one card from him nor his parents. Now, a few days before her birthday he text messages me asking when he can see her again. What do I say to that after all this time? Did I forget to mention, that my daughter tried to call her father at Christmas and got hung up on? For a three year old, that was tough to handle. She still talks about it.
The last visitation I had with him, he blamed me for everything. He brought his drug addict brother to the visitation (no part of the deal) and focused in on my wrong doings. He spent no time with his daughter- and she sat there at dinner watching him blame me for his downfall. I was the one who forced him into cocaine (among other types) use- Ha! I was the one who wanted him to suffer. How could I keep his daughter from him?
I texted him back saying just this, "M tried to call Christmas and couldn't get through. This made her very sad. I do not feel comfortable supervising visits. You need to make arrangements with a court worker to supervise and they will call me." and pressed send.
Time will tell how he will respond to that. I'm getting a little worried about what he is capable of doing. My counselor indicated that once an addict- always an addict and sometimes the drug chooses you.
I have a lot to chew on and a Tinkerbell birthday cake to make. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Heather
Wow, Heather, it is strange how very similar our stories are. Except that I have 3 kids. But such similar deatils.
I am divorced with sole custody and he has supervised visits. He only did 2 and they were supervised by a neutral third party (thru a place that does it professionally). The one that he didn't show for was the day before christmas. The kids were devestated.
He stopped being interested in the kids when he hooked up with his latest victim, er, I mean, GF who is also older.
He blames me for his not seeing the kids. He didn't want to do supervised visits. So, he doesn't. No matter the how abandoned the kids feel, no matter what it is doing to them and how it is going to scar them.
All I can say Heather, is he a sick, sick man. He has diagnosed mental illnesses beyond just being a crack addict.
No birthday cards, no christmas presents. I have seen some child support money, nothing consistent.
The best thing I ever did was insist on thrid party supervised visits. The woman who did them was really incredible and impartial. They even offered councling for the kids thru that program. And it was all on him. If he wants to do it, he pays (it is minimal) and he calls them.
Again, once I took myself totally out of the picture, he was totally uninterested in the kids. It makes me sick to say it because at one point he played the "good dad" part to the hilt and the kids love him ofcourse.
Going thru all this it was ephasised to me to NOT say anything bad about him to the kids. And when they brought up any of it to reinforce that I love them, I will always be here for them, and I will never leave them. To not try to explain their father's insanity or deny it or ignore it. Just listen and accept that they are going to be very hurt and that they can depend on me no matter what.
Good luck and I will be sending prayers your way for you and your daughter.
Hello Heather , am sorry your daughter has to deal with this but the sooner she figures out her dad is not trustworthy the better , kids are amazing she will take her dad anyway she can get him they just seem to accept , they do this much easier than u or I do . If it were me I would allow her to see him and court appointed visits are much easier for you , as long as u know she is safe ,there is no reason to sit and be abused when he should be visiting his daughter. If u don't allow her to see him she will eventually blame u for not having him in her life ,she will learn to take what little time she has with him and make the best of it .If she asks why dad doesnt visit when he says he will be honest , explain that he has a disease and isn't always reliable no need for any nitty gritty stuff , just the truth. As for his support there are courts that will take care of that too . I hope u are taking time to find at least one meeting a week al anon for yourself , yu need support and you are going to have to learn to deal with him as he is going to be a part of your life because of your daughter. good luck hon Louise Your tinker bell cake sounds wonderful , she will love it . enjoy
The ex A I was involved with was always finding people to help him. I think lately he's exhausted them but I don't make an effort to find out. Detaching is pretty difficult. They are great at putting up smoke screens. Generally I have to have very very low expectations of anyone who is drining and really look at their lives through a "screen". They make it look good when it isn't. The A who I was with had a party when he was being evicted. At one time I would have been so upset and frustrated around that.
Detachment is an art. Of course your mother bear comes out about the way he is treating your daughter. At the same time we have no control over some one else's behavior we can just put up boundaries, watch and enforce them. There are consequences in many states for not paying child support you can work on them. Maresie.
my daughter is 4, it seems we have similar situations with our ex-husbands. in my case, he abused her and i was able to get a restraining order so he can't see her at all, not even supervised. but he files motions every few weeks, keeps me very busy at the courthouse and constantly worried and stressed. he's filing for full custody currently, after his petitions for visitation were denied. it's crazymaking. i believe he is a currently-clean drug addict because he has done LSD, acid and pot in the not-so-far-past, but never admits he had any problem, even though he has many other addictive behaviors.
the only experience i can share is what i've told my daughter ... it's not her fault, none of it is her fault, of course she can love and hate and like and not like her daddy, all of her feelings are okay, and it's okay to tell on her dad if she wants to. that has really seemed to help, the fact that i simply validate her feelings, reassure her that her dad's behavior and actions aren't her fault, and it's ok to talk about it as much as she wants. i hope this helps.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
My daughter had her birthday party today- Tinkerbell ended up to be a Princess cake . She absolutely loved it. I did hear from my ex AH. He "texted" me asking when he could see or talk to her. I told him that I was not comfortable supervising the visits anymore (for obvious reasons) and we would need to use a trustworthy court worker. I didn't hear back from him. He did call earlier this morning while Mia and I were out getting her birthday photos taken. He didn't leave a message. I don't have the heart to tell her that he had tried to call. I understand that contact with him is important to her- but I hate seeing her disappointed at such a young age when she doesn't get a response when she tries to reach out to him.
It's a sad situation and I wish that things were different. She has seen a counselor, and he explained her dad's behavior to her- that he is very sick and sometimes cannot even use the telephone. She seemed to accept that. I take each day one at a time and work through each moment. That's all I can do.
. She absolutely loved it. I did hear from my ex AH. He "texted" me asking when he could see or talk to her. I told him that I was not comfortable supervising the visits anymore (for obvious reasons) and we would need to use a trustworthy court worker. I didn't hear back from him. He did call earlier this morning while Mia and I were out getting her birthday photos taken. He didn't leave a message. I don't have the heart to tell her that he had tried to call. I understand that contact with him is important to her- but I hate seeing her disappointed at such a young age when she doesn't get a response when she tries to reach out to him.