The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
EXABF emailed last night to tell me he hasn't been in touch because he has been inside his head again-thinking about us and how he knows he is not ready to move ahead with us right now. He mentioned how we discussed dating other people, but feels he would hurt me if he did, but he is hurting too. Feels like he is not existing right now. And then writes, (and this SLAYS me)"Believe me, I still want happily ever after, and I want it with you, but I just can't take that chance right now" So basically I am getting he wants to start dating again. Fine by me, not my choice, however I did write and tell him that that was a chance he was taking as I was not sure what my views would be in the end, (I could either not want to see him ever again or it could help us) Won't know til it happens. Anyway I told him it would be best if he didn't call anymore until he got himself squared away, that it was just to much (He has been calling everynight since New years and in touch via email pretty much ever since we split). He emails this am, after getting my email, to tell me that he hopes I had a peaceful night's sleep (right), and a good day back at work-WTF????? And then goes on to say that he is beat and his head hurts and he will email me either tuesday or Weds at the latest-that he just wanted me to know that he wasn't going to not answer my email. I replied with a "didn't sleep well at all-thank you, and do whatever you need to, write, don't write-not up to me" The hurt is unreal.....to lead me on, and then go to this and back and forth and back and forth, and 'I'm not ready to take a chance" etc. Just soooo much drama that is wrong. I've decided with the help of some friends to severe all contact with him, give myself my 6mths and see where I am at the end of that time. Right now I already asked him not to call anymore, so that is good. Email will be next. I also excepted a date this morning from a guy who has been wanting to go out for awhile now, but out of loyalty (yeah I know) to the ex I could never bring myself to do it.......to me dating meant letting go of any hope of a reconciliation. So I guess that is what I am doing now.........letting go........and it hurts, it hurts about as bad as the person you love telling you that they want happily ever after and want it with you , but can't take that chance and are going to have to date in order to feel like their life is meaningful.........I layed awake all night last night trying to THINK and the only thought that kept coming in my head was I don't really know if I want to know him anymore. How do you go from loving someone to that????? Thanks for listening...... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I'm not exactly sure if your A is approaching sobriety or not. Nevertheless Toby Rice Drew has some very interesting things to say about separations with an A.
For me personally dating was some way to aleviate the loneliness. Self care and self nuturing went one further. I don't think my boundaries are "there" yet to really go for serious dating.
I attended a friends & family of alcoholics seminar and they told me something that made sense. The brain of an A is in denial, delusional and compulsive. They say things they make no sense. What's worse is that we co-dependants try to make sense out of nonsense!
Shelly Appreciate your post and am in a similar place. My AH moved out about two weeks ago and since then has emailed and called a lot to get stuff that 'he forgot'. He also asked me out to dinner, but I already had plans with friends and won't change prior commitments for his last minute requests. He has already started dating, wants to be apart to 'save our marriage' and doesn't need any professional help with his non-drinking problem and resulting issues - he suggests that I continue to get all the help I obviously need. It's confusing, contradictory and crazy to say the least. I am finding I am better when I don't hear from him and don't see him. The last thing I'm interested in is dating - I really want the time to sort out my feelings for him. In daily readings and going to f2f I am beginning to get the fact that this is a struggle that will not end even if he is sober. Wish I knew the answer - I do know that it takes two to make a marriage work and as long as I'm the only one moving forward, we won't. Thanks for listening.
(((shelly))) good for you for letting go. Of course it hurts. Sounds to me like he's still trying to manipulate you. Pat yourself on the back for not letting him do it.
Here's an idea - have his incoming email go directly to the Junk folder - that way it's not staring you in the face every time you check your email.
Sadly, I too can relate to you and your situation, and of the other posters to this thread. I am having a tough day making sense of it all and I can quickly fall back into "I am crazy, this doesn't make sense, I can't figure this out, I have messed up thinking," etc My aH, from whom I am separated is very hot and cold. He has subscribed to online dating, but would like for us to both work our programs and see if we can meet in the middle.
I always go back to the phrase I learned in Intervention. When an addict is in their disease they choose the drug. When behavior doesn't make sense I look at that. Generally that unravels everything. If it doesn' t make sense they are choosing to be an addict.
Aloha Family...I can also relate...been there, done that and then done it over again. So the solution ended up being. Focus on self, clean my own side of the street, work the program as suggested not as I wanted to.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
PS....If you don't like the drama, step off of the stage. LOL
