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Today was awful. Two years ago...I detached from my A-bf of 7 years. At first I tried it mentally...but that didn't work. So we separated...and eventually I had to detach physically. It seemed to be the only thing that made him feel pain.
Then I heard he was seeing someone new...a bar friend..yet still making his efforts to keep our relationship floating.
Today, while grocery shopping...I ran into to him and his new enabler. It's a devastating feeling. I don't know what to feel. He looks horrible. At least 30 pounds thinner, and so hollow. And there she was. Not attractive and looking like an "A" herself ...as I've been told.
I thought I'd feel closure...but not the case. I feel so furious that he'd prefer to choose a life like that with HER...rather than a sober life with me. It's a sick disease and unfortunately, although I did all the things right...detached with love...lived for me...prayed...it still is taking him away.
((((Newday)))) I can only imagine how you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you. Yes it is a VERY ugly disease, but rememeber it is the disease and not the person that caused you this pain. I was thinking to myself just yesterday "is the right thing to do EVER the easiest?" And you and I both know the answer is not always. Take care of you~You are a wonderful person filled with all of the right things and one day the person that HP wants in your life will come your way.........Remember HP never takes something from our grasp without replacing it with something even better! Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I can feel the searing pain of your post. Its so horrible, this feeling. I have felt this too. I have no ESH, just wanted you to know that I understand.
None of it makes a bit of sense. I am not sure why such pain and misery are necessary in God's plan but they must be and every day someone must feel this terrible feeling like being run over by a truck. Hugs, J.
Please remember the the HP only gives us the tools to make us stronger, this could have been yet another step to getting you to the Happiness you have so desired... Take your time, work on you and remember, it will be worth it once you see that you can find happiness, outside the A... The pain will less'n the peace will open as you look into yourself, and work on you... It works if you work it so I am told, so hang in there, and keep your head up and know that "He" didn't choose "her" his disease did.. You are worth more then that... Remember that...Much Love and understanding of where you are...
((((HUGS)))) Missing out....
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Forgiveness- Isn't about forgettingwhat happened,its about Giving Up,All Hope,of a Better Past!
How sad. Yes, it is the disease talking. I can't imagine. I guess it is true what they say. Our HP doesn't change the situations but helps us to cope. Continue taking care of you.
Well the words that have helped me a lot are from "intervention" on A & E on Tuesday nights. When an adict is in their disease they choose the drugs/alcohol. I wish I could have seen that years ago with the ex A. He often took off with whoever he was glued to next. He had friends he spent far more time with than he did with me. I resented it. Now I see it as his disease. I know personally it is hard hard work not to take it all personally. That's where detachment comes in. Somedays I have to turn it all over to my HP too.
I am sorry you are hurting. It is painful to see someone we care about in teh grips of this disease. I personally wouldn't word it, that he chose this new person over you. It sounds like you were creating some new & healthy boundaries for yourself & he is simply caught up in the compulsion of the disease.
As I understand it, A's will do anything it takes to allow them to continue to gt what they want/to the substances they want. If love could cure addiction, it wouldn't be an issue on the planet. For me, I may have been loving my A's but I was neglecting myself to death. I had to pick myself at some point & slowly let the A's go. I took control over myself and no longer was a hapless individual willing to be manipulated.
I grew up in this disease, and had a very hard time leraning to detach & not take things personally. I want to say to you, it is not personal that he hasn't decided to get recovery. Some A's never do. I know it's devastating, most A's I have ever known are either extremely intelligent, talented, charismatic.
All we can do is lern to live our best lives and be true to ourselves. No one can do it for us & no one can do it for them. Focus on yourself, love yourself ~ you are worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Unlike Jean, I beleive that pain and misery are NOT in God's plan, it is because we are given FREE WILL TO CHOOSE how we live our lives. It is in those choices that the pain or the peace arise. Unfortunately, your A-bf has chosen drink over you and that makes his reasoning and choices biased. The drink rules his life, and whilst he chooses to let that continue he will make, what seems to you to be, irrational and non-nonsensical choices.
If it is true that this enabler is also an A, then it makes sense of a ridiculous and very sad situation. The drink rules both their lives, and they will only get sicker, but they choose to enable each other and that, in their bemused thinking, makes sense.
You, on the other choose NOT to drink, choose NOT to let drink rule your decision making. You choose a better life and God (in my opinion) will not let you down. There is always something better when we choose a good path. It sometimes takes time to appear, and we have to prepare and repair in order for that process to happen.
In the meantime, therefore, you must concentrate on YOU alone, and getting well and you can do this by following this programme and using this family and your own Higher Power to bring you to that place where you will meet and enjoy a better life.
It does not stop the hurting, for it is your A-bf choices that are making you hurt. It is sensible to remember that choices don't just affect us, they affect everyone we touch and are involved with. His are bad choices and they are causing the pain. Detachment and graciousness will perhaps help you to see what a dreadful place he is in and what a better place you inhabit at this time.
Keep on saying that prayer, and I know you will find Serenity, by God's grace.
All of the above is my opinion, if you do not agree then let it go, if you do find it helpful hold on to the hope of that Serenity Prayer and keep on asking God for that Serenity each time you feel unsure.
((((((((((((new day)))))))))))))), I am sending you hugs and peace as balm for your pain.
With love, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Thank you all for helping me through this emotional time. I do know I've chosen the better path. Even today, I saw on the news where someone was killed by their A-bf...and I thought...that could be me. God has sent me a million signs...including the encounter in the store. I'm going to look at this as a blessing and move on.
