My alcoholic son is in a 3/4 house for probation violation.  This follows his admission that he has a drinking problem, and inpatient treatment, and I think its good that he is there.  Boundries I can set, like not canceling our plans to run up with there with clothes. 

He called for the second time since he was placed two weeks ago (first time was just to arrange for clothes).  He told me how badly court went (from his perspective).  I have no doubt it went badly, he has the same probation officer as last time as well as the same judge.  I personally hate that judge because when we did go to court with our son 2 years ago, that cranky old judge would spend 10 mins yelling at us (the parents) for not keeping our son in line.  Would not listen to us that our son was 18 AND DID NOT LIVE AT HOME!  (Someone asked me how it was that my husband & I could sit out court..that's why, we don't need to get yelled at for crap we didn't do or can't control). OK, I'm digressing.

On one hand he was right, he was telling me not call his probation officer and that speaking to her just make court ugly for him.  I give him that point because I did call her first.  Then he told me that she told the judge that my son had no relationship with his parents (NOT TRUE) and that for the saftey of his little sister, he was not permitted in our home (also NOT TRUE).

I was inflamed!  We love our son deeply. He can't live here because then we get caught up in his business, worry about his stuff, and attempt to control & "help".  We are able to detach and have a better relationship with him because he does not live here.  He loves his sister, will sometimes offer to pick her up from school, help her with her homework, plays some video games with her.  His time with her makes him feel needed and normal.  She is the one person who doesn't judge, or yell, or shame, or attempt to control his behavior, undoubtly the most pure relationship he has.

My momma bear instinct is in high gear.  I know I need to step back, and let God.  I want so bad to go to the next court date but know that I will not be helping him.  I have to remember that pain is good and that it's often pain is the only "message" that gets through to the alcoholic's brain.  I can't presume to know what the probation officer is trying to accomplish, what message she is trying to send, or what plans she has in store. 

I get confused by the mixed signals of telling me not to talk to her, but then telling me things she said.  Is he really telling me to butt out and giving me an example of why I should butt out? Doesn't he know that when he tells me stuff like that, that I'm going to want to protect him even though he says don't say anything? I know I am just overthinking the whole thing.

Whew, I know this post is long but I just had to get it all out. Believe it or not I feel better now that I've said it all.  Thanks for listening.


-- Edited by luvinmom at 13:50, 2009-01-18