Should I? Shouldn't I? Were am I headed? - Al-Anon Family Group

missing out · Senior Member

Should I? Shouldn't I? Were am I headed?

SLS · Senior Member

It took me a few different meetings to find the one that felt like "home" for me. Then, it took awhile before it felt "safe" to really start to put myself out there and get to know others. I started by doing some service work--setting up the literature before the meeting or putting up the signs on the doors. Then, I started to hang around for the "meeting after the meeting"--going for coffee, getting to know my fellow Al-Anoners, sharing our lives and how we are applying the program to our lives.

It takes time. It takes time to break the pattern of isolation, the feeling of separateness or "terminal uniqueness" that our disease oftentimes creates.

I also believe that one of the keys to my recovery is staying in the middle of those uncomfortable moments--that is when I have usually experienced real growth. The trick is to not give into the fear--to run back to the safety of the known (for example, the active A who is verbally abusive, but somehow is still better than being alone).

As much support as I can find from this and other boards, I do not rely on it as a major part of my recovery--staying in the now for me these days includes staying in reality and real life. For me, I need to put my program into practice in my daily life--how do I interact with others? How do I enforce my boundaries? How do I respond in situations that make me uncomfortable? It is too easy for me to avoid those growth experiences if I spend too much time online.

Also, I know what when I go to my home group meeting, attend a District meeting, attend an Area function, that I will be getting Al-Anon. As great as this and other boards are, they are not strictly Al-Anon and that is not always clear--especially to the newcomer.

I would encourage you to give the meetings more time or try to find another meeting that might be a better fit. I would also encourage you to keep an open mind about the topic and the shares that you hear during the meetings. I know that, for me, sometimes it takes a few days for the light bulb to go on and for the wisdom of the meeting to make itself clear to me.

Finally, I have found that it is dangerous to my recovery to start comparing the severity of my issues with those of others. We are all entitled to live a life filled with peace, serenity and meaning. My story is just as important as yours and yours is just as important as the next person's... I can fall into that "terminal uniqueness" trap sometimes--No one here undertands my problems or my issues; I don't belong here because I am not as bad-off as everyone else (or I am worse off); etc. Those are all of those old tapes in my brain, my stinkin' thinkin', that tries to keep me in isolation from others and away from recovery.

Yours in Recovery,

SLS

-- Edited by SLS at 11:39, 2009-01-17

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Recovery takes time. Everything I hear today is not going to go click for me today. Remember that when you are sitting in a meeting thinking "this doesn't really apply to me". Look for the similarities, not the differences. Our differences are what the disease uses to keep us isolated. The similarities are tools of our recovery that help us to open our minds and hearts.

Look for other meetings. Every meeting has a different flavor. My home group meeting is very welcoming and allows people to discuss what is on their minds as long as it pertains to recovery. We even ask at the beginning if anyone has a particular topic they would like to discuss, rather that a reading from the ODAT, or whatever. We are very flexible. Some meetings have very rigid rules against crosstalk and other things. Some don't. Look for one that fits.

Do you have a phone list for support. Ask for one. Call somebody after the meeting to talk about what is on your mind. Keep an eye out for someone who might make a good sponsor for you, eve a temporary one is better than one at all.

Most of all, be patient with yourself. All this questioning is good. Feeling uncomfortable is good. It means you are growing.

In recovery,

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

     Well ((((Missingout))))....I hear that you should go to at least 3 meetings before making any decision to go or stay. Maybe trying another meeting night is an avenue of approach (Tuesday night perhaps) See what is there and if there is anyone there you can relate more to. I believe it takes time, much like the time and years it took to get us here to begin with. We didn't get sick overnight and we won't get well overnight either.    Take what you like and leave the rest really applies. I hear things or read things here and it may not have any place in my life, but you can almost bet your bottom dollar that somewhere down the road at His time and His plan something will happen and you'll remember or lean onto something that someone wrote or said at a meeting...In my opinion the boards are alot more open with sharing as there is a 100% guarantee that you are anonymous......Living with alcoholism really destroys trust and it takes a long time to rebuild that and learn to trust others.
    Take some time and THINK about things......reason it out in your meetings or like you did on here......and keep coming back......
    Like I said if you want to try and hit Tuesday one night to see what is there let me know and we will make it happen......
Love ya!
Shelly

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

YOu know I have had a few sponsors. They all helped but I didn't find the long lasting, all encompassing relationship so many people did. I found people for a short time. My current sponsor has a lot of life activities going on. I understand that. I don't even resent it. Maybe there is a lot in having different experiences. I know people who spent a great deal of time with a sponsor, moved in almost. I also know people who had a more calibrated realtionship. I try to look at life with what is, rather than should be. I have shoulda, coulda woulda on myself all my life. Now I try to look at the reason things are in my life. I try to work through what they are rather than obsess on what I don't have.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Missing Out!!

I had to read your post and your bio and then I came to understand
more!!.

There is a slogan in program you've heard. It's a little ditty that not only
reads smart but when worked consistently allows me to get out of myself
and into the program. "Easy does it" is a behavioral change for me. It
took years for me to get into program and will take years to learn how to
use it to keep this worthwhile life.

When you go to your next face to face meeting and someone reads the
"closing statement"...hook into the mention of "if you keep and open mind
you will find help." For me having an "open mind" took emptying my
usual mind when I got into the room and not picking up on the stuff I
dumped out until the meeting was over and I was going home. Change
for me was also learning to leave what I dumped at the door in the trash
basket and just taking home something of value I heard in the meeting.

Yes I have preferences. I have ideas on how I want things to work and
in what periods of time however...Learning from lots of people for me
today is a whole lot better than just trying to "do life" using my limited
experiences, awareness and skills. I have learned patience along with the
open mind. I don't have to rely on self and have never had to rely just on
my sponsor...not with the thousands of members I have had the privilege
of hanging with over the period of time I have been allowed to be here.

When I got into Al-Anon the instruction was to do "90 meetings in
90 days". That's how they said it and described the "try out" period.
I got over a hundred in during that period of time; became grateful that
I was married to an alcoholic which resulted in me getting in and also
grateful that there was over 80 meetings a month in the tri-valley area.

I know what being blessed is like. Stick around with an open mind and
use patience. You're doing some great stuff already and have awareness.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah, a meeting I attend bugs the heck out of me these days...I just go and listen, though. I just close my eyes and listen listen listen really well. Sometimes I leave a little early.

There are SO MANY different kinds of meetings even though they are all basically the same, too. Each one just feels so different to me, though. I keep thinking I am going to find a nice Hawaii meeting in Ohio and guess what- I HAVEN'T!!! LOL!!! So...I gotta keep an open mind. I just go and go and go some more. It may take me a very long time to transition to where I like the Ohio meetings but...one day at a time. At least I go and I am working my program to the best of my ability. it may take me awhile to find a home group. I sure would like to find a local sponsor, too, instead of calling my one from Hawaii back 5-6 time zones, lol! Heck, I need all the sponsors I can get, though.

Just keep going to meetings. I do. They are progress, not perfection, just like us. Hugs, J.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes i used to go to meetings with a pre conceived idea i wanted to talk about and of course the topic was never what I wanted to talk about . Like u I listened and finally realized that i felt better when I left there , gave me alittle hope that I could change what was going on at home, can't change him but changing my attitude towards what was going on finally brought about the changes that i had been hoping for , he didn't change I did . I got happier and that showed in my sons with the focus off the alcoholic and back on me and my sons where it belonged our lives got better . Don't listen to the differences between your situation and others listen for the similarities , feelings . and if u really want to tak about something specific , suggest it as a topic orrrrrrr god forbid chair a meeting on your fav topic . hehe Keep going u have no idea where this program will take you . Keep the focus on yourself and your needs for a change and learn to BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED . Louise

missing out · Senior Member

I just wanted to take a minute and say Thank you to all that gave me your thought, I do plan to keep going and I do plan to try to work it out the best that I can...I think I my also check out the Adult Children page as well as Al-anon, and see if that helps me a little more, alot of the people in our group is all older, and most have husband and children to were mine is mostly my father and his past and my siblings, but I am NOT giving up, I know in my heart, that I will get to were I need to be in my life thanks to all of you andI hope be a better person for me and my family as one... Again...Thanks so much to all... I love ya's and love the support that you all show on a dailly basis, thanks for taking me in...

Love & Hugs
Missing Out...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.