The material presented
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Thanks for all the responses and support. I am currently in the middle of taking inventory, so i feel really vulnerable and highly sensitive. I obviously have many resentments. I feel tense, with an occasional lump in my throat and a big ball of pain in my gut. I am having trouble staying focused on anything much. Can anyone relate to this? How soon does this pass - I can't seem to remember. I am working the steps with a new AA sponsor the big book way - will this work the same way? I've never done the Alanon steps - how is it different? Feel like i'm grieving.
My sponsor is a double winner so we work the steps the AA way. I'm sure there are a few differences but I'm not sure what they are.
When I worked the fourth step she told me don't damage your brain too much in doing this, there are very few that have only done this step once. So do the best you can with what you can and you will be fine.
I also had some things that I found I still had some resentments over and brought up a lot of pain from a V E R Y long time ago. However, once I was able to grasp the fact that it happened, it's over and no amount of grieving, and silent tongue lashing at the other person was going to change anything. I could either turn loose of the pain and grief or continue to suffer. It was about that time when I read in I think it was Courage to Change that Forgiving is not Forgetting, it's letting go of the pain. That's when I knew I was on the right track.
Good luck and you will be ok. I was scared to pieces of the 4th step from all of the horror stories I had heard about hours on end of crying through it. What amazed me was that my sponsor and I laughed through mine. I can't begin to tell you what a relief that was. On top of that there was absolutely nothing I had ever done that she hadn't done the same or worse. So take as much time as you need and keep your higher power close by.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I experienced the same level of anxiety and pain as you. What helped me move forward was the incredible desire to shed the cloaks of fear, anxiety, and resentment.
What I found most helpful was when I was ready to begin working on my fourth step was to get in a quiet place and at the top of each page I was suggested to me to write "God, help me see my part with vigorous honesty" and then begin writing everything that came to mind.
I worked the Al-Anon program using the AA inventory format but added the column "my part" My sponsor has been in the Al-Anon program 25 years and her sponsor I think she told me 10 years before her. That was the only framework they had at the time. She gave me the program exactly as it was given to her. As such, there were no Al-Anon Blueprints for progress to work a fourth step.
I have worked both the AA way and the Al-Anon Blueprint for progress but prefer the AA framework because it is clear cut. I myself was not afraid of writing the fourth step, just afraid of the fifth step. Looking back, I feel a little silly with so much fear because my sponsor is so loving and non judgemental. She is wonderful! I hope you have found someone just as special.
In the big book, it says all men of faith have courage. You will move through this step. As my sponsor tells me, "Cat, you cannot access the joy unless you are willing to walk through the pain" There is so much Joy and relief on the other side.
I wish you the best on your discovery of you. It is a difficult process, yet so worth it in the end!
Aloha Ash...vunerable and sensitive for me was something I had to look at before taking a "searching, fearless and moral inventory of myself." It was kinda taking the negative stuff that I had at that time and making it worse. I learned to heal my spirit before going out searching for stuff that might make me feel more sensitive than I was at that time. The 4th was backward searching...the harm that I did in the past. Brought forward I became aware of things, behaviors and characters that needed changing because they were not useful to myself and my relationships. I was and am a very good person who under the influence of the disease alcoholism did some unacceptable things that needed change and an opportunity to make right with those I hurt. When i wasn't ready I laid the 4th aside and worked on other things like awareness of the disease and tools of detachment, humility, compassion, empathy, unconditional love etc etc.
Take your time...You've got time...one day at a time.
(((((((((((((((Ash)))))))))))))))) One thing I have learnt and learnt well over the years is it takes courage to look at oneself. It is also quite painful, in much the same way that a festering open and weeping sore is painful when the nurse washes it before dressing it. However, the bathing is necessary to healing, and if the sore is NOT bathed and made clean first, it is no good putting a dressing on as it will only go bad.
What you are experiencing, in my humble opinion, is that pain that accompanies the bathing process before your wounds can be dressed.
Stick with it, but do it gently, and when you feel you have had enough PAUSE - go back to it when you feel more relaxed.
The truth sometimes hurts but it is always worth looking at the truth.
I find that if I look at myself honestly, even though it may hurt me in the first place, it is the only way that I can identify the changes that I need to make within my self before a deeply cleansed and healthy healing can begin.
One thing that I found helped was that before, during, and after each time I came to look a little deeper into myself for my 4th step inventory, I prayed the Serenity Prayer and handed the process over to God at the same time that I was asking Him for Serenity, Acceptance, Courage, and Wisdom.
This I now pray for you as you face your wounds and work toward holistic health day by day. Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 04:48, 2009-01-17
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Well there is a specific workbook for working the steps in the al anon way. I know many people who have done multiple fourth step. I am one of them. I don't think it hurts to do a couple.
There are many many ways to look at the steps. The big book is one of them. There are lots of publishing houses, Hazeldon being the first that comes to mind, that help with the steps.
Personally I work with resentments daily. I am no longer as toxic as I once was but I certainly still have them. Some of them resolve and some the don't.
On about my 19th attempt, I did my 4th step per the Big Book. Specifically the four columns, and I filled out everything in the first column before going to the second column. In other words, I listed all my resentments first, before going back and identifying the why, affects, or my part columns. I just found that it clicked that way for me - after trying to treat each resentment as an essay question, which I used to explain the uniqueness of my resentments in great detail. Doing it that way was, well, just repeating my past methods of examining and nuturing my resentments. Doing it in columns by the book was liberating, and so simple it was scary.
So take as much time as you need and keep your higher power close by.
