The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS will not work, won't or can't get up in time to go to a job. He calls me everyday for money, tells me if he doesn't get any money from me he will go hungry.
I know I should not give him the money, but I am afraid he will go without food.
My friend says that I should not be afraid to let him go without, and that he needs to know what it is like. We live in a small rural community, am I afraid of what people will say about me if I let him do without?
I am trying, but I just can't seem to let him go all the way without some support from me.
I am not in your situation but I do have a daughter. I wouldn't want my daughter to go without and don't know how I would deal with this. I think it may be a mother thing. ?
The time I saw my A / BF actually watch what he spent and budget was when he went hungry for a day or so due to bad spending. But I did buy him food some and I would not have withheld a sandwich if he needed it. But when I did totally back off that's when he (for a few weeks) made some good decisions.
Can you remove yourself from the equation for just a bit? Can you go out of town or something? Just wondering.
He seemed to do so much better so very very quickly within just a week or two of me backing off. At one point he even took me to a movie and he paid.... hasn't happened since he moved back in though...back to paying for it all and more.
My sponsor refused to feed her son. She would pick him up and drive him to the soup kitchen. He hated that. She cut him off completely eventually, called the police on him whenever he entered her property. She had restraining orders placed on him. Yes, he went hungry and homeless. He is now in full recovery going on 6 years now. He is incredible- he thanks his mom all the time for not feeding him, not enabling him in any way. J.
I think I don't trust that if I truly let him go, God will take over.
I've heard the only way God can take over, is when WE finally stop interfering. This is what I thought of as I read your post. Yet I, myself, am always wanting to put a band-aid on my son's problems. Maybe if I just truly handed him over and stopped rescuing him, he might hit his bottom sooner. Instead, I keep providing a cushion, making things nice so that he never falls hard enough. What motivation is there for him to change?
Thank you for this post today. I think I need to get out of the way. I think I'm going to pray for God's protection and care instead.
-- Edited by glad lee at 10:06, 2009-01-12
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Dreamsover, I also have a son who is a/da. I went down the same road your walking and quite frankly it stinks. Your question was "What am I afraid of". Only you can truly answer that question but for me it was... If I don't do this one thing he won't love me like I want him to. If I don't do this he will be homeless. If I don't do this he will go hungry. If I don't do this the community will think I'm a bad mother.
I finally realized that he was never going to love me like he did when he was 2 and wanted me to rock him, that it never hurt anyone to sleep under a bridge, that there is always a place to get a meal he just had to make the effort to find out where that was and as for the community, well their opinion of me is none of my business. My life does not depend on what others think but what I do for myself.
The bottom line is that I was as addicted to him as he was to his substance of choice. He was consuming my thoughts and deeds 24/7. I knew something had to change or I was going to literally lose it and not be able to function at all. So these are a few things I did...
I CLOSED the bank of Mom...If I kept loaning him money he would never grow up and learn to gake care of his own responsibilities.
I stopped loaning him anything...heck you never get it back. If I got the "I don't have any food and I'm hungry" routine then I would take him to eat or ask him to meet me in the park and I would bring a picnic. I learned not to give him half my pantry. All he did with that was call his druggie buds and tell them to bring their stuff and come over he had food and they could party.
With the help of my Al-Anon family I learned to let go of him and let him grow up and find his dignity. I learned that the best thing I could do for him was "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING". I always made sure that somewhere in our conversations that I told him I loved him. I also realized that I was treating this 30 yo man like a 15 yo boy. The reason was is that was the way he was behaving. When they start using or drinking they stop maturing emotionally. I knew if I continued to rescue him that he would never learn to not get into situations where he needed to be rescued.
Shortly after I started going to meetings a man loaned me a speaker tape. I listened to it on the drive home and one thing this lady had to say hit home loud and clear...
She said that she spent most of her adult life running after her kids, picking them up out of gutters, bailing them out of jail, cleaning them up so they would look good at a family function. She spent so much time taking care of them she lost herself. Once she got into program she went to conferences as often as she could and she said you know I have listened to a lot of AA people tell their stories and I have yet to hear one of them say...
"I was saved by my momma"
This hit home so hard that I started crying. I knew then that I had to let go of my son and let God take care of him. He wasn't going to get anywhere close to sobriety with me on his back and I wasn't going to find serenity dragging him along behind me.
It took awhile for me to truly let go. I had this habit of turning him over to my HP and then later telling my HP what needed to be done. As my sponsor put it "Your HP doesn't need your help, he does perfectly find without it".
A few months ago my son told me that his one wish for me was that I live long enough to tell 20,000 parents that the best thing they can do for their children who are addicted to anything is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He said he had heard it in meetings so many times that people said they got nowhere until thier parents stopped completely.
Today my son is clean and sober as far as I know-going on 8 months now. We share program when we talk and he doesn't dump his woes in my lap near as often as he used to.
I suggest that you keep your focus on you and you will find some peace. Go to meetings regularily, find yourself a sponsor and work the steps. You will probably find that once you learn how to change your reactions to his actions that he will change as well.
In recovery Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
You could handle this is a degree that is comfortable for you.
First, do not give money, that will definately keep him from recovery as he will continue to reach out to you.
You could give him food, but only enough for substinance. A loaf of bread, jar of peanut butter, jar of jelly, box of instant oatmeal, maybe a bag of apples. Instant coffee or teabags. That should be less than $20 and last a week. Water he can get on his own. He might not enjoy his meals but your mind will be at rest knowing that he's not starving. Tell him nothing else till next week. Mean it and stick to it. Turn your phone off.
I empathize that it seems hard to deny the basics, but hunger could be his motivator to get better.
everytime u bail him out if stops him from growing up and taking responsibility for his own life , I know it is hard but until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves absolutley nothing will change . except your going to end up with one big resentment . If your son dosent want to work then he dosent need money to drink , if you want to see that he has food a bag of grocieries is good , never cash . I hope u are attending al anon for yourself u need support from people who understand and will share thier own experiences with you . Louise
Maybe you're afraid you HP and someone else might do a better job. Only as statement from my own experience Dreams. That is one reason why I kept hanging on to my alcoholic and was disturbed and angry that some one else would lead her to recovery. I wanted to be the person that every one smiled at and said "good job"!!.
If you don't let him go you will never know if he can stand up remain standing and learn how to walk. If you keep holding on to him he just might end up starving anyway.
"Courage is fear that has said it's prayers" ...from somewhere in the ODAT daily reader (One Day At A Time) in Al-Anon. Keep coming back it works when we work it one day at a time little by little as long as we work for it.
