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I'm really upset with myself that I put myself into a relationship with a drinker after what I went through with my ex-husband 10 years ago. Being the queen of justification I convinced myself the he isn't as bad as my ex and that considering my history of being an adult child I'm completely hopeless in finding a man that doesn't drink. In fact I'm convinced that most men do drink too much. I just got sick of avoiding men and didn't want to turn 40 alone.
Now almost 2 years with my BF and he and his drinking is driving me crazy. I have pulled myself away so that I can figure out what I need to do. I did the Al-Anon thing before and not sure I want to learn to live with this/him/it. I know it's really about me and my issues with not knowing what life is without a drinker in my life, whether it's a friend, significant other, family member, co-worker, blah, blah, blah.
I'm feeling even more upset because my boyfriend's 40th birthday is in a couple weeks and we are supposed to plan a trip and I don't want to go. Everything revolves around alcohol. I'm tired of it. I hate the smell of him when he's near me.... It's bringing up old memories of a very emotionally, manipulating ex-husband. My boyfriend can be a mean ass as well but for some reason I just blow him off where my ex was very damaging. He does not in anyway think he has a problem, yet drinks almost every night, but says it's out of boredom. I know better, ugh, I'm frustrated.
All I keep thinking about is leaving him, then I feel guilty because we both moved half-way across the country together, his birthday, etc. What's more frustrating is I don't have anyone I feel close to in a friendship in my new city.
Sorry this is long I just really need to vent! I have been keeping myself busy but he keeps me up late annoying the hell out of me. Everytime he feels me push him away, he runs around cleaning up the house possibly worried I'll leave him. Thankfully he didn't drink several nights last week and it was nice to not deal with it.
I can understand your frustrations. I remember my bf's drinking days. I remember when everything revolved around alcohol for him. He would not go to places where he was not able to drink. He always took a cooler with beer with him in the car. The few times I kept my boundaries about him not drinking in my car, he would get anxious when he couldn't drink for 30 minutes.
I hated the drinking and lots of times went with him so we could spend time together even though I knew the outcome which was that he became totally wasted, I had to drive home, total chaos lots of times.
Nowdays, since alanon I know I don't have to do something I don't want to do and I can say no. Before, I didn't say no because I felt guilty.
You get to decide what you want to do with your life. I know it was hard for me to learn not to feel guilty about a decision I made, and I'm still working on this.
From my experience, I know A's can get annoying, and sober A's can too. Take care of you.
I don't know why I do what I do so I certainly can not advise you. I am bored, lonely, actually I bore myself ... I was me when we were apart. I really want to learn to be me when he's here. Think I'll give that a 100% big girl try tomorrow and then the next day- one day at a time.
anyway point is if you want to and can break away it does seem easier and yes there are guys who don't drink- for me being honest I think I'm afraid to try that- afraid I am just stuck here-too ill myself to move on.
Not too ill to make it on my own-was happy that way-and good at it, felt more interesting, fun, happy and like myself. Okay with who I was without the alcoholism telling me IF ONLY I was different he would LIKE me, But I do wonder if I'm too ill to make it in a none drinking relationship and alone sounds good for a while but not forever.
Like showing your dirty underwear to admit what you think your issue may be.... but if you can do what is best for you take care of your own little girl you deserve it!
I just wanted to say that I know what it feels like to not have any close friends or any family near where you are living. I am separated from my aH and I live with our 4 yr old in a part of the country that is close to all my aH's family, but not my own. I have some acquaintances, but my roots are more than 4 hrs away. When I've considered what it is that I am missing so much in not having my roots closer, it's people who understand me, people who support me, people who will love me and be there for me through this difficult time, no matter what I decide. I've been thinking so much about it this past weekend, which reinforced my plans to reestablish face to face meetings. There are no guarantees, but I have a hunch I may find what I am missing and needing so much, in the walls of those rooms!
Well boundaries are hard ones. I can also say for me personally loneliness is huge. I know I always jumped into relationship in the past becaus I was tremendously lonely. In al anon we don't try to fix all this stuff overnght. Stay or leave we get to work on ourselves. The work is what brings joy and harmony to your life. I know for me leaving the ex A was a small part of change. For years it seemed like a huge part but I am massively codependent with or without an A.
Thank you everyone for your response. Over the 10 years I was alone from the last relationship I did a lot of work on my codepency issues as I mentioned before. It's so easy to slip into some of the old bad habits when we are in relationships with others that are codependent.
The reason I decided to get into a relationship was because it was so easy being alone. Kept myself busy, worked on my mind, body, spirit. The lonely part is probably more of intimate needs that are consistant and monogamous. I require lot's of "me time" and don't have kids for the same reason. I guess I wanted to work on the deeper issues that can only be revealed within a relationship. Be careful what you ask for...RIGHT!?
What I decided to do to tune him out was listen to music and online stuff with ear buds on my computer when he is drinking at night and ranting about anything from the cats to people on tv...lol I never have known someone that cannot keep quiet for more than a minute. Seriously silence is bliss
Some questions for thought. Can someone actually find peace with a drinker especially one that is needy, high maintenance, annoying and mean at times when drinking??? If one is healthy and at peace while living with the drinker are they truly healthy for staying in an unhealthy environment?
Oh and not do focus too much on the negative. My boyfriend can be trusted, is fairly considerate, cleans up around the place and responds when I have had it about something. For the most part we are compatible. It's just when 7PM roles around and he slams enough beers down to get on my nerves about 6 nights a week. He really does drink out of boredom but I believe that if you are bored it's because you are boring or don't have something to occupy yourself!!
Well, I'm not making any hasty moves. As for his birthday trip I told him I rather do something like Cancun then he could run around the bar being his crazy self while I get some sun and relaxation It doesn't stress me out as much because driving and doing things together is not a focus on this kind of trip. I'm very open about not wanting to deal with him and his drinking lately so it's kind of new territory for us. So far he has made enough changes that I don't feel so overwhelmed. One day at a time!!!
There are many people who live with an alcoholic and manage to detach. Leaving is not a mandate. I am glad you have found ways to detach. Driving is and was a huge issue for me in being around people. Last weekend I was driving with someone who is dry. I will never repeat it again. He may not be actively drinking but he is miserable as sin. I don't need that in my life anymore. In my codependent days I would be working to fix him. Now I work to set huge distance if someone is out there.
For me personally plan be is a requirement if I m around someone who is alcoholic in any way. When I had the ride from a "friend" this week I was prepared to spend the evening with him. When he got obnoxious I changed my plans. Believe it or not my flexibility wasn't in there before. Letting go of being the "fix it" person is so key.
I like that you expressed the good points of your alcoholic also. It's only fair. I never found it a reason to hang on or a compensation for the really sick stuff of the disease. If you remember what worked for you in the past...go back over it and see if you want to do it again. Doing the stuff that works is a ton better than the stuff that doesn't.
doing the same thing over and over again without making a change because the change needs to come from within us, not the drinker .. this is what i've learned in alanon ..
first things first: the word alcoholism .. it used to surprise me too to see me do the same until I realized .. my own insanity was being surprised because it's an ISm and will never be a WASm ... this is in regard to me as much as it is to the alcoholic ..
alcoholism is a thinking disease and this is how we truly become affected.. i think for me the effects were here long before my partners came around .. but for me, i know that i thought the real change needed to come from within them ..
this just reminds me so please don't view this as advice.. it's merely my own esh because i thought the same at one point ..
I know it's really about me and my issues with not knowing what life is without a drinker in my life, whether it's a friend, significant other, family member, co-worker, blah, blah, blah. this is the requirement for alanon ..
alanon works if we work it .. i think what's really necessary in alanon is to be honest with ourselves.. the 4th and the 5 steps are very important and it's important to also find a good sponsor .. my own would tell me i needed to attend 3 meetings a week before she '' could help me ...
i'm learning everyday to live with the dis ease of alcoholism in me .. i've never been a problem drinker but i sure have been a problem thinker and i sure have been surrounded by problem thinkers as well ..
unfortunately nothing we do can change them and we are free to leave the rest whenever we choose but since we go to what we know, it's normal for us to seek out comfortable behavior in others..
sorta goes hand in hand with what my sponsor told me the day i told her but i'm so comfortable around my A .. i feel like i've known him forever.. her response: you have .. you've known the behavior ..
beating ourselves up is what we've sometimes learned through these problem thinkers.. learned behavior because this is what we were taught .. sure feels better to work the steps and learn a better way ..
always knew better as in right from wrong but never as in a better way to walk through my own behaviors and thinking...
