6 Months and counting - Al-Anon Family Group

Sincerely · Senior Member

6 Months and counting

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

I see right here how MIP and al anon works as to answer your post, I need to evaluate my progress so I will grow and learn too while trying to give you some energy, strength and hope.

You see, July of 07 " I came here very hurt, angry and confused." I did not have any money of my own and didn't see how I could ever leave my A plus I was falling apart. Many things have changed for me in 18 mos. I attended al anon meetings for a few months 45 min out of town until the winter roads made it harder and my confidence in confidentiality grew so that I could attend local meetings. These meetings have been the best thing that has happened to me in the past 8 years when things went downhill in so many ways.

Trying to attend to all the needs of the kids & A, I lost myself, didn't take care of myself and when I started to go downhill, I just couldn't help keep this family going. I got so caught up in it that I couldn't see anymore that I was really doing all the opposite things that needed to be done. Like react vs act, louder vs quieter, appreciation vs controlling, fixing others vs focus on my needs etc

After attending f2f meetings for about 7-8 mos, one night everything one lady said just spoke to my circumstances. It took a lot of courage for me to call her finally but she became my sponcer and the longer I know her the more I see connections to be grateful for finding her.

There was a recent daily reading in Courage to Change about sponsors that I really agree with. Many of us are reluctant to get close to people. We have learned that it is not safe to trust, to reveal too much, to care deeply. Yet we often wish we could experience closer, more loving relationships. A sponsor who demonstrates unconditional love and still takes care of his or her own needs and who offers support without telling me what to do can be a wonderful role model.

I still have so much to learn but I now have a bit of money put a side, I have many more choices that I've learned to exercise and as I have got busy focusing on my own needs and life, my relationship with the A is not as tough.

I too could have written your whole last paragraph once upon a time. As I focus on myself, I repair myself and my marriage is better. I still can get confused but not on a daily basis or continually and as I repair or have more recovery, it has helped not ended my marriage as I would have predicted once upon a time. I try very hard to take it one day at a time and for today I still choose to be marriad. One day at a time, focus on me, take baby steps and I encourage you to find a f2f meeting.

hugs, ddub

-- Edited by ddub at 04:03, 2009-01-11

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Sincerely)))),

Recovery doesn't happen over night. His addiction has taken it's tole on the family and that wasn't instantanious either. I don't think you are wasting time when you are trying to figure things out. It may be that you will want to stay. That's okay. You may want to leave and that's okay too. People change in recovery. That's what is suppose to happen. The dynamics change of a marriage change too. It happened to me. When mine got sober he changed, but I hadn't. I hadn't found Alanon yet. That changed the dynamic of the marriage. When I found Alanon he had relapsed and I started to change. The dynamic changed again. When we both got "sober" the dynamic changed again. To me trying to force a decision that you are not ready to make, only makes the decisions harder. Give yourself the time you need.

Working a program is the best way. It's scary to walk into your first meeting. I actually started going to AA meetings when hubby was so sick and I went along with him to make sure he was okay. I then went to a meeting when he had one across the hall. Earlier I had found a general support group that had nothing to do with Alanon. Finding a sponsor takes time. Start slow, get to your face to face first. If you can't find the time to get out to one, start here. Check out our online meetings. Sometimes that schedule works better. But going in person is a great help.

Your doing just fine. Be gentle with yourself in recovery. You've been through alot. You'll be okay. We have your back. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

I knew that when I really "joined" alanon rather than just be on the outskirts, that my marriage would be over. I knew that if I started to get better, then there would be no way that I could continue in the denile that allowed me to stay married.

Now, it works just the oppisite for some. Some people can use this program to stay married. And be happy. My ex was not only an addict but he was abusive in every way that a person can be abusive. I knew I needed support, and confidence to get out and I had lived thru him getting sober thru AA and it just wasn't good for me.

Sure enough, once I started working on me, my marriage ended. It was a blessing. I didn't want it to end but I knew I couldn't change him. I wouldn't give up the changes I have made for anything or anyone.

For awhile, I woke up every single day and decided to stay married, just for that day. I would tell myself that I didn't know what would happen tomorrow but just for that day I would stay married. I did that for a year. And in that year, I could feel it ending so I made a point to enjoy every single good moment we had. I tried to create good memories for myself and the kids. And it was an OK year.

Good luck Sincerely. Keep the focus on you, ODAT

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