The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The history is that Ah and I separated in Oct and have been on again , off again. We spent the holidays together. Never had a talk about him moving back in or not. The other day he said, while we had company, that he's gonna start moving his stuff back in. I didn't respond. The night went on, kids in bed, etc, we went to bed. In the morning I left a note that said I'd like to talk more about that moving back in idea after our son was in bed that night. All hell broke loose. He said he was done. I used him. I back doored him, etc etc. I smoothed that over after much chaos by explaining I didn't say that wasn't or was what I wanted, I said I wanted to have a conversation about it...
Since then, there's tension and resentment between us. Today, he's gone again, because i was angry about hearing that he hasn't made any truck payments since Oct when we separated. I was livid becasue I don't have the luxury of not paying bills, and further spewing off occured about not having the luxury of not being plugged into our child's schedule and goings on in his life...and the miscellaneous disregards my aH seems to have for life in general.
My aH's biggest complaint would be that I am never happy, never satisfied, never pleasant and I complain and nag incessantly. I would really not disagree, because that is what I am like.
What I struggle with...what I am absolutely tangled with for the last several months is this. How do I know the difference between accepting that I am nuts, sick, insane, impossible to deal with and only when i am willing to accept that I am an impossible freak who has impossible standards, that is unable to have a functional relationship will I be able to actually live happily(as my aH would have me believe)......and accepting that I am unhealthy in my responses to the behaviour and co-existing in that relationship is not right for me (as I tend to believe).
I am stuck in this weird warp of feeling as though I can't relate, live with, accept, deal with or function in this marriage because of all the A issues and behaviours.........to feeling as though I am just so inept, so inadequate, so incapable, so unhealthy, so inappropriate, so unable to have a normal marriage. My aH makes me feel like I look at everything wrong, I see everything wrong, I am not entitled to the way I see things, that I am a "stinker thinker" in that I don't appreciate any of the good stuff, which makes me impossible to live with.
I tend to think that there is alot subtle chaos' with everything that goes on that I just can't find anything that compensates for it. ie. my disgruntled 4 yr old son asks aH, "why do I have to wear my snow pants today?" aH says, "because Mom said you do". Not "because it's cold outside and I want you to be warm at the bus stop" or "because its a very cold day and I don't want you to be cold and uncomfortable while you wait for the bus".
There's just so much. My aH says that all I do is see the negative and never say anything nice about him. He'd be right. I just don't see anything to boast about. I think, give me something to boast about and I'll boast away! I don't see it.
So, with all that said ...and I could go on forever, how do I know if I am a crazy, insane, inept, incapable, lunatic who just won't and can't appreciate the wonderful man before me or a perfectly fine woman who has just reached the maximum capacity of this relationship?
ugh...I feel like on a step scale of 1-12, I am on step -10
Don't ever look to the alcoholic for verification (that's a rule) I had to learn. Its also like saying don't go to a crazy person for counseling. All of us are good a pointing the finger at each other and one thing I learned from that is that blame is hardly ever about the truth or being happy. It is mostly about control and being right. Thank God for this program cause I don't leave that responsibility to the alcoholic anymore.
Step 10 is a great step!! You get to take your own inventory and not leave that up to anyone else. Parts of your post made me laugh because it reminded me that at times I think that the reality of an alcoholic makes for very good comedy.
Its good that you are having the courage to clarify your position on things including your relationship. God how some people hate to stop assuming including me!!
Keep coming back and don't let up on yourself. (((((hugs)))))
Do not turn to an alkie for verification!!!!!! Do not size yourself on his yardstick! HA!
You need to put the focus back on YOU and what YOU want, need, think, etc.
Also, beware of the blame game, just as Jerry said, also (Jerry is the smartest one in here, ya know, you are real lucky he wrote to you!!!!). From my experience when I see blaming going on, its a BIG fat red flag. If I meet or know someone who is blaming, they are to be avoided or at least very much detached from for the time being.
Its YOUR life- make YOUR choices about who you want to live with, when and what kind of a life you want to lead. If that pisses him off, that is HIS response and it has nothing to do with you- its his choice to go off and get all whipped up about it. It says a lot about him and where he is at, NOT YOU. Do not take it on. But it speaks volumes about him.
Think about it. If you do not have any good feelings for him, be HONEST about that and accept that! At the very least with yourself and in your own heart. I seriously hope you are attending at least a couple of meetings per week- face to face! Hugs, J.
No you are not crazy. I am, but you're not! When we live in chaos or are put in chaos, then the already confused feelings we have are only augmented. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from that chaos in order to see things clearly. I am not suggesting that you do something you don't want to do. All I know that in order for me to have worked Step 10 or some of the other steps, I needed serenity (even temporary). I sought out quiet places where I could let down my guard for me, and think things through clearly.
There are days when life seems unmanageable. I struggle with the loss of my beloved Tim. I have been missing him so much these past few days. I so wanted him to give me a sign that he's okay and we're okay. I've been wondering if I will ever feel "normal" again - whatever that is. But then I get these signs that I will be. This very early morning at 3am Pipers was at the window and there was a deer out there. Usually she does her death yowl. Not this time, she looked at it, jumped down and tried to run to the other window. Unfortunately (or was it?) she got her bellie caught in the blind cord. So I untangled her and started to laugh. (She is such her father's daughter!) I then looked outside and the deer was still at the window looking straight at me. This great calm and serene washed over me. I have to believe that Tim sent the deer to check in on "his girls". After the deer went back into the woods, and Piper got her midnight (sort of) treat, I went back to bed. It was the first deep sleep I've had in a while. On top of that he has sent the snow. (Now if he can make sure the Philadelphia Eagles win, that would be awesom!
My long-winded point is that, answers come when we are most ready to receive them. Mine came this morning. Yours will come. Be patient. Try not to force the answers. (Or as my grandpa would say: "Be still and let your heart think.") Alanon is your light, guiding you along the path of recovery. Sometimes it seems dim, and we get frightened. But the light will always be there. (Besides we have your back.) The answers are there waiting for you to shed your flashlight on them. Take your time. Be extra good to yourself. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When we live in chaos or are put in chaos, then the already confused feelings we have are only augmented. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from that chaos in order to see things clearly. I am not suggesting that you do something you don't want to do. All I know that in order for me to have worked Step 10 or some of the other steps, I needed serenity (even temporary). I sought out quiet places where I could let down my guard for me, and think things through clearly. 
But then I get these signs that I will be. This very early morning at 3am Pipers was at the window and there was a deer out there. Usually she does her death yowl. Not this time, she looked at it, jumped down and tried to run to the other window. Unfortunately (or was it?) she got her bellie caught in the blind cord. So I untangled her and started to laugh. (She is such her father's daughter!) I then looked outside and the deer was still at the window looking straight at me. This great calm and serene washed over me. I have to believe that Tim sent the deer to check in on "his girls". After the deer went back into the woods, and Piper got her midnight (sort of) treat, I went back to bed. It was the first deep sleep I've had in a while. 
On top of that he has sent the snow. (Now if he can make sure the Philadelphia Eagles win, that would be awesom! 
