this post might seem pretty abrubt with the title but when i wrote this i was in a public cafe .. i was also waiting for his family to come over and talk to me and couldn't risk them reading what i was typing ..

the thing is i know how many times excuses are made for the alcoholic and how many excuses i make even for myself still to this day after 5 years in program.. they are much less than they used to be .. this is also just an all new experience for me but the wisdom to know the difference ( i think )
is the fact this relationship has always been with some chaos and his being absent might also be a blessing in disguise because it will give me time to really commit to focusing more clearer on me through meetings..

in the beginning i could not walk away but the good that came out were these meetings .. through this relationship, i have received many insights and answers into me and into my past .. years of wondering why things were the way they were .. for this much i am so thankful ..

i think in every relationship it's a process of becoming entirely ready .. in some ways i think this is a situation of his power leading him to a place he needs to walk through .. even in the worst, i recognize his higher powers presence and protection even now through little blessings in situations that could have been so much worse..

i'm learning on a deeper level not to judge good, bad, right, and wrong.. for example.. his sleep apnea .. this may just be a blessing in disguise where most would judge as bad .. the fact he can fall asleep will most likely really help him when he's in .. a defect that might yet be very much needed and a sign hp doesn't always work the way we expect ..

i also recognize my own as i know in some ways, this is also god removing him further from my own life so that i can have the space to look at me ..
i do not mean to say hp put him there for me because that would be wrong .. i just mean i couldn't walk away for a long time and the good from this is that we'll have time to reflect more clearly on us through the separation .. i'll have more time to reflect on me and hp ..

when i mentioned my daughter, it's been a process in that area as well as i was never really sure what the answers were .. he's been in and out of her life and i'm concerned with both ends .. his being here and his not ..

i hope this share is perceived without judgment as alanon is the only place i can bring this .. i feel very isolated for having gone through this experience but know it's one i needed to share on .. i'm not in recovery to continue to live in denial and being open, honest, and willing is the key to my own serenity ..

thanks for listening and for being here, hope