thank you to those of you who supported me with this last doctor's visit ..

First off, i would have Never walked through the doors without the loving support of my f2f meetings, my online e-meeting, and finding this site to share in ..

I can sigh a breath of relief just for today .. I know we never know what the future holds and it isn't here yet.. the past is also gone, so this one day is all we each really have .. I'm learning as in take what you like and leave the rest, to also not take others for granted but to take what i can in each moment that passes .. Preprogram, i believe i did take what i like and leave the rest and even believe that i liked all the chaos, pain, and discomfort i chose to take because that's what i was comfortable with .. in alanon i finally realized in regard to my comfort zone so to speak there is nothing really comfortable about pain and chaos ..

When i went for my recent Ultra Sound, I was told my doctor who told me my lump was a muscle was wrong. I listened to my gut and others and i'm grateful i did.. I have to say I am somewhat but not completely surprised .. I've had this doctor from the time i was a small child.. I think what i'm learning is that we need to listen to our inner voice which is sometimes the voice of our higher power .. i used to have so many higher powers and today i'm finally recognizing higher power ? higher power is supposed to bring serenity, love, acceptance, wisdom, courage, unity, dignity, which none of the others ever lifted me upward .. my true higher power is the only one who can do this .. ofcourse i know today that i am definitely not my higher power as i brought myself toward none of these either .. the power from my A's came through domination, confusion, and much more ..

My ultra sound revealed that it was an enlarged lymphnode which for the time being appears to be normal .. What my doctor, of course, mentioned is to watch for changes within the next few months or so.. Although i know deep down this really says we don't know what will happen and can't tell you much before then, I'm asking continued prayers and have promised my hp that with the help of His grace i will continue to share in the best way I can and work to make my general life amends among the others ..

It's funny how i found myself bargaining with my hp before going in .. Things like i promise if you heal this, i'll do this, and i'll do that and basically what .. on my own ?? i'll become You again ?? I began to see the humor as my hp slowly revealed to me that hope, you can do None of these things without me .. I began to pray then for my hp's will instead of my own and really instead of the doctors.. what he will do, not just what we will do .. The number one thing in this is I was able to Admit my powerlessness by going in and somehow find the courage .. this is the grace of this program .. the wisdom to know the difference in this is that i know i would of never gone without support .. and the fact i realized all i could really do is pray and promise to share honestly ..

Although it's hard not to obssess on the future because this is what i do by nature through this disease, when i reach that point, i know i have all of you and my f2f members to walk me through it ..

The one understanding I did get this week is that this is a We program .. not Only all of us, my hp and i are working together as in We are working through this.. I'm not sure what i thought in the past but i know with my hp and i .. up until now it's been He and I .. I'm only just now beginning to think about how much that We means me and hp .. together we will get through everything One day at a time ..

Thanks for being here and thank you for prayers .. please keep lifting me up and i will do the same .. i'm still afraid but just for today i will continue to face everything and recover .. i admit i Still need prayers for the smoking but am going to look for some type of smoking cessation program ..

Luv in program, Hope