The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
DH and myself are leaving on Sat. for a much deserved 2 week holiday to Mexico.I am so looking forward to both of us relaxing and "renewing" our relationship. But deep down.. I know its sticking thinkin..but I feel kinda guilty. We have 5 kids and spouses and GK's and no one is having a easy time of it $ wise. My G/S who is 10 said "Dad can't pay the morgage so we might lose our house." I hate to hear this...I feel so helpless.. I went thru the same thing about 25yrs ago with my Ex. My new hubby and myself work hard...and sometime I think our kids don't live within their means-I don't think it I know it! So somehow I have to not think about our Kids and enjoy the trip...I have already lent $$ to this one son. Does anyone understand my feelings? I guess its a "Mom" thing. But this to I will pray and give to God...TKs for listening.
I built alot of resentment towards my family. I sacrificed (buying nothing for myself, doing the chores when they went to the movies, etc.). What I learned was giving up something doesn't give them more abundance and spending on myself didn't take away from their abundance. We are separate. I lent (read gave) to my son until the savings were almost gone. He didn't get it and just kept spending. The hard lesson for our children are the most rewarding I think. I wish I was going with you. I have an abundance of snow and cold weather. Have a great time.
Here's another way to think about it as a "Mom" thing. Actions speak louder than words. Taking a vacation you've earned and worked hard for is setting an example. Work hard = rewards. By demonstrating this behavior you are shwoing your kids how to live within their means and to really enjoy rewards that are earned.
We took a trip awhile back and I was worried about leaving son behind. You know what, once I got there, the change of scenery, no kids, food on real plates...i stopped worrying real quick.
I see all of the above as really good ways to look at the "mom" thing. We do not like to see them struggle, we give and we give and we give. However, by doing so we are also ENABLING.
"ENABLING WHAT?", I hear you say.
Enabling the very thing we want to stop. We enable their irresponsibility to recognise that "money does NOT grow on trees" and that very important lesson in life, PRIORISE!
ONE CANNOT ALWAYS HAVE OUR CAKE AND EAT IT. One has to BUDGET. One has sometimes to go without in order to SAVE UP.
Children these days have NO concept of BUDGET, SAVING, PAYING BILLS FIRST AND THEN LUXURY, or WHAT EVER IS LEFT might take them to the cinema, buy that X-BOX, the new Flat screen TV and so forth.
It is a hard lesson for both US and THEM to learn and recognise, however, once I had realised the AWFUL ENABLING THAT I WAS PROMOTING I CHANGED my action...I now say, "Well, what did you spend your money on, how many nights out have you had, how many "chippy dinners", MCy D's, Pasta takeaways or deliveries ect... that could have bought you a whole months shopping. What are you doing that is a LUXURY THAT MIGHT BE PAYING FOR A NECESSITY. Remember, NECESSITY FIRST -LUXURY SECOND: that is what I have to do, and if I get you out of this scrape, I only put myself into a scrape."
The fact is, my children both have more money than me coming into their households than me, they are NOT prepared to go without a LUXURY and pay their BILLS FIRST, they see it as, I want a night out, I do not want to make dinner when I get home, the kids want a new X-BOX, so that is what I will do, and then are surprised when they RUN OUT OF MONEY and they then realise they have NOT GOT THE NEW TYRES FOR THE CAR, or put by the money for the MOT or not left enough money in the bank to pay the electric and gas Direct Debits and so forth.
By bailing them out, I am NOT ALLOWING THEM TO MATURE AND GROW UP AND SET CORRECT PRIORITIES, I am in actual fact promoting IMMATURITY AND BAD PRACTICE.
Boy, over the last five years alone, if I recouped ALL the money I had handed over to enable, I would be well off and could have had a wonderful holiday, instead I have an overdraft I am clearing and a loan I am paying off and have not had a holiday in 23 years, all because I let them send me on guilt trip after guilt trip and I just do not want you to feel guilty, or that you are letting them down...go and enjoy the holiday you have SAVED and WORKED for! That is what I am doing now, saving for a holiday and not letting my children send me on any more guilt trips when I do not enable them further by giving in to their irresponsible budgetting. I just keep sending out the message that they have to prioritise their spending if they want the LUXURIES in life.
Okay, that's MORE THAN my two penn'th. Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 06:16, 2009-01-09
-- Edited by Suzannah at 06:18, 2009-01-09
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
The ex A who I was with made me feel enormously guilty about anything I did for me. He wanted it all for him. I think its a boundary issue personally what am I responsible for. I stick to that and only that these days.
I do empathise with those who are having a hard time. I know also that I can't "fix" them. The cost of doing that is high.
I know a huge part of my codependency was not feeling worthy.
DH and myself are leaving on Sat. for a much deserved 2 week holiday to Mexico.I am so looking forward to both of us relaxing and "renewing" our relationship. But deep down.. I know its sticking thinkin..but I feel kinda guilty. We have 5 kids and spouses and GK's and no one is having a easy time of it $ wise. My G/S who is 10 said "Dad can't pay the morgage so we might lose our house." I hate to hear this...I feel so helpless.. I went thru the same thing about 25yrs ago with my Ex. My new hubby and myself work hard...and sometime I think our kids don't live within their means-I don't think it I know it! So somehow I have to not think about our Kids and enjoy the trip...I have already lent $$ to this one son. Does anyone understand my feelings? I guess its a "Mom" thing. But this to I will pray and give to God...TKs for listening.
