The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to give an update on the court date. The judge asked for us to try and mediate before going into the courtroom. We came up with a good plan without problems. I had been trying to do this with my ex for many years and he always denied. I know that it helped that the guardian was there and she guided us through the process.
I am now thankful the guardian was appointed back then. She is a very smart and caring woman. She said that even though my daughter wanted to live with her dad, that she needs her mother too. We also have to make a plan where the daily schedules are the same with me and her dad. I appreciated to hear that.
So I wonder why was it so hard for him to agree on things all those years and it was so easy today.
We still have joint custody. The days got switched around a bit. I now have her from Thursday until Monday and the week after from Thursday until Friday. I do have a few hours less with her now but that is okay. I just hope she can be happy with this. I did not lose her and was not selfish.
We are also divorced now which was actually a surprise. My lawyer told me someone had to testify that we have been separated at least a year (even though we have been legally separated forever). I was not able to find anyone who could do this for me. My ex did have his friend there to testify which I in no way expected.
When we took a break outside I talked to him a bit. I told him I was concerned about him not having income. He did tell me he's making money now. It might have been a lie, I don't know. Anyway, I also told him (which was kind of like a closure for me) that I will always care about him as a person no matter what. It felt good to say it. I could tell by looking at his face how he felt. I know he still does care.
btw. hp was there
buick
ps: Again, I want to thank everyone who replied to my posts and who read them.
sounds like everything went well. Personaly I dispense with the caring stuff these days. I see my own caring as being of the people pleasing variety but I can understand you did not want to be aversive.
So I wonder why was it so hard for him to agree on things all those years and it was so easy today.
The reason is because we become the enemy to them and they are the enemy to us. I was told several times early on that "no one wins the battle of will" and at the same time I learned that one of the central or core issues in the disease of alcoholism is egotism or self centeredness; not only on my alcoholic's part but even more so on mine. Alas after many 4th steps I had to arrive at that truth. My last 4th step contained only one word after I had been directed by my spiritual sponsor. "Look for he tap root to all of your character defects." He wasn't Yoda or the Dalai Lama or God in skin...He was though the very best sponsor I could have at that time and the tap root was "Egotism".
An early suggestion to me from this program of recovery was when I woke in the morning the first thing I was to do was "crush my ego, Kill my pride and then pray". Still in practice...
Yeah, that enemy stuff is soooo toxic. I know that situation, too- its really so incredibly painful. All that pain and hurt makes us into enemies- we see such evil in them and they in us. Such evil! I know I did. But all of us are just very imperfect people clodding along, doing the best that we can with what we got.
What a great post. I can hear you feeling a sense of relief, too, that this piece is done for now. You sound serene, too! Good job! Hugs, J.
I admire your willingness to work out a plan with your H. I think that my ego gets in my way. My sons are grown and on their own. I get so jealous when they go visit their dad at his house. How could he move out and get his own home and do this to me? I need to work on maturity.
