The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is a show on A & E called Intervention. When I first started watching it my eyes were on the alcoholic and the addict and how terrible it all was. Now my eyes are on the codependents, the family system that "enables" them. I'm so aware of how much I can be like them. I've gone from being focused on how terrible the alcoholic is to looking at how the codependent plays a huge role in their own misery. Of course no one sane would want to, or choose to be around an active alcoholic or addict. Furthermore I'm really clear that many addicts and alcoholics never dig deep at what made them so self destructive in the first place (which of course as a codependent I can tell them in detail). I'm super aware these days when I am around people who are not taking care of themselves. I set limits, I make choices. I may not like those choices but my days of trying to fix anyone but myself are gone. There was something nevertheless rewarding in there for me to think I could tell anyone how to ge better besides myself and that was the focus was entirely off me.
I stopped watching the show when I realized that interventions don't usually work, so I've heard. Even in the show, most of the times they relapse. Anyway, that's a great observation you've made. A's aren't the only crazy ones.
I admire you for being able to be so persistent with your goals and how you use your tools. I am able to use the tools with others besides the A now and it is rewarding. Like his sister, I stopped talking to her when she started an argument, and that argument screamed codependence. She and I are both codependents, her ex is an active A.
Anyway, the other day when my bf was going to tell me what's going on with his sister I stopped him and said "no, I don't want to know". It's better for my own life not to know about her problems. These problems keep repeating all the time, and I do feel sad for her.
Well for me personaly its no longer about does the A stay sober because the focus isnt on the A. The issue is in looking at my part in it. I can be crazy with my behavior with or without the A. I'm so glad for you that you kept the boundary. I love hearing about boundaries. I feel so validated when I realise that others really struggle with them.
For me the statement "no one who is sane would choose to be around an active alcoholic" rings true. I certainly am confused by my continued behavior - choosing to have him in my life only to be shut out of his..ugh!!! BUT for some it is a choice they can make and have peace.... I know of one lady in my f/to/ face meetings that did stay with hers and was very happy about it despite awful outcomes.
I don't even want an intervention for my A anymore. I am so totally detached I just don't care at the moment. As opposed to my deep heartfelt desire for him to get well of the past. Who knows what that means??
Thanks for your (as always) straigt forward- share but I wanted to share that I know of at least one person who is glad she stayed with her A despite terrible terrible issues!
I was watching the show just last night. I am with you. I spent more time watching what the family was doing. The enabling behaviors. The well meaning "help" given. The crazy making done to themselves.
I kept thinking....Al-anon! They need al-anon!!!
I was so happy at the end of the episode I watched last night, when even though the son had relapsed, the mom had been faithfully attending al-anon meetings!
I still can't watch that show. It seems to close to home. When I have seen bits I get so triggered that I usually end up really angry. It all seems so clear from this distance.
I totally agree Maresie, that I have been sicker than the A.
Well I don't agree that I was necessarily sicker than the A. I have codependnt behaviors which are triggered irregardless of who I am with. People Pleasing has been a trait I have been looking at for years.
There are some illuminating moments in the show. One episode had a young man who was from a middle class family. He finally gets to a program after a lot of mishaps. His family, his mother and his sister go to visit him and expect him to put on some "show" about how glad he is to see them when his reality is horrible, he is making it in the program. They are tremendously disappointed. I can't tell you how many times I looked to the A to validate me. I had no clue how ill he was or what he was doing. When he didn't validate me I was devasted. I felt cheated (like the mother and the sister did).
Needless to say there is also matryrdom and more. i live around this day and night. I know I have either been excessively angry, passive, people pleaser or totally exhausted. For me there was no medium of taking care of myself.
What's interesting to me too was there was a segment of a young man who had diabetes who was not taking care of himself. The interventionist called the family on creating a "bubble" where he did not have to. He didn't have alcholism but he was certainly skirting the line for a long long time between life and death.
Yeah, I guess I have a hard time with understanding this, I mean- why watch this? What is so fascinating about it? Isn't it time to move on already? I would rather take that hour and do a yoga class or somethin'...I think that watching stuff like this just perpetuates staying in the same place and surrounding ourselves with the same ol' same ol'!! Just my 2 cents. Jean
I understand what you mean about changing the focus in the way you view things. I am starting to do that too. I used to listen to the sermons in church and read all kinds of literature with the slant of what it meant in regards to my AH and his behavior. I would think of how it applied to him and how good it would be if he got the message. Maybe this would make him see! He must not know this! You know, the crazy making stuff; the belief that anything other than him could actually help. Now, I can see how it all speaks to me. Also, I have realized, or should I say accepted, that what makes perfect sense to me is meaningless to him. We do not have the same thought patterns or logic.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Actually I think I am blind to a lot of codpendence stuff. I am aware of the magical thinking stuff but I have to personally see it in full relief to understand how out there it is.
For me it isn't the same old same old because I am no longer focused on the alcoholic and how awful that is. I'm focused on looking at my behavior and understanding how it sets me up. We all have out own way of doing this. Some people can get to see their behavior in full relief. I am very very clear my codependency goes well beyond being around an alcoholic. I know I am codependent with or without an alcoholic around.
For me personally its key to really get in and change that behavior. I'm no longer in the full spectacle look at the alcoholic craziness I'm in the what do I do, when do I do it and how can I change it.
