The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My last post was on my swirling thoughts and I appreciated the responses very much. Jean made the comparison to the flushing of a toilet. Made me laugh, as that is such a great analogy. Well, the paper (and poop) is still going round and round....
Last night I finally freaked. Thank goodness my sponsor was available to answer the phone. In my detachment, in my need to survive and move forward, I think I somewhat entered denial thinking it was all out of my hands. Now I am wondering if I could have not done more for myself. I have hated the process and the time it was taking for the truth to be revealed in the many aspects of my life, particularly in regards to my AH's affair and our business/financial situation . Now it seems finally the journey is taking a leap forward on many fronts, and I am scared to death. When I think of the bad things that can happen, I think "No, God wouldn't let that happen to me", but then I think about all my negative life experiences and I think/know otherwise. On the other side of the coin, I can look at the positive experiences and see that I have survived regardless, and even though I wish things were different, for the most part, life is okay. Well, today anyway.
The truth is that I don't know what is going to happen. I have to keep reminding myself of that. My life is so emeshed with my AH's. We went from teens to grown-ups together. I don't understand why the construction of our business building and destruction of our marriage all had to come down at the same time, and in a bad economy to boot. That really is the kicker. The details of our constructions seemed so God-directed at the time. I thought we were taking measures to make the right choices. Such a lesson in "you don't know what you don't know". There is a part of me that says HP is taking care of me and that it will all be fine. But, the other side looks at my AH who has all the same crap and then some, and I think that some way (HP/karma) he will have to pay the consequences of his poor choices and those consequences have to involve me. There is no other way. So, if I am taken care of, he doesn't "pay", and if he reaps the consequences of his bad behavior and choices, then I pay too. Does that make sense? Then I realize that tperhaps there is a middle ground. That things will change and no matter what there will be consequences, but perhaps they won't bring me into the depths of despair that I anticipate.
Tomorrow is the day as we meet with our attorneys and accountants. It cannot be good. Creativity, genious, gentle hearts and God's presence may bring us through this, but there will be no easy way. I think now there are too many people involved and details revealed that my AH can't b.s. his way out. Sometimes I think he really isn't b.s.ing, he is delutional. It is like he hears only what meets his desires and turns it all around to the point where it is so far from what really is. It is wierd, and I see that in his relationship with his g/f too. How could he ever even think getting involved with a married A in our small town could be a good idea and have a good outcome? I guess what I find difficult is that when I put all the negative aside, I see my AH's heart and how our business was his dream and all the good he does with it. But, when I stick it in reality, I see how he really had no business being a business owner, for he abused it in every form, particularly in regards to abandoning his family. I can't figure out the role that drugs/alcohol played. Perhaps my AH was just a poor business owner. Then again, he would have made better choices and been easier to deal with if he was chemical-free. I want to say my AH was "functional'. Yeah, right. Does it matter? In the end, no, for it is what it is.
Whew! I feel better now.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
It is so good to laugh! That's what HP wants for us, love and laughter!
With my divorce, I sometimes go back and forth with whether or not I am going to be okay. I have co-workers who say to me, "I can't believe you're not pissed!" When I run with those thoughts, that things "aren't right, and it's not fair"... I get fearful and my serenity disappears. It hurts ME. I am convinced that spiritual matters have nothing to do with this world.... And my bank account is not a measure of my HP's love for me. In all circumstances, I believe I have to practice step 3. I either trust HP, or I don't.
Talk about swirling thoughts, this is NOT easy!!! That's why I need this fellowship.
During my divorce, I tried to do the next right thing, the next responsible thing to take care of MYSELF and my future. Some of the things I fought for turned out my way, some didn't. In the end, I believed it all turned out the way it was meant to turn out. Today, I am okay. My physical needs are met. But even better, I have a beautiful relationship with the creator of the Universe. To me, there is nothing more valuable than that.
You WILL be just fine, ((((Lou)))) It is going to be okay.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My ex mother in law always says - where there's life there's hope... Of course that's in relation to her hope that I will someday take her son back or that he will someday change. But the message is applicable in this situation as well. You will live, your A will live, the kids will live and anything else is just extra. It's not the end of the world no matter what happens. Life will go on, you will recover. Just remember that. It may seem like the end of the world but you still have you and the children no matter what!
I know when I was enmeshed with the A I was really focused on what a mess he had made of it all. I am now having to look at how far I went in not taking care of myself. My idea of commitment is to commit to send myself to hell in the name of love. These days I am far more careful who I bring into my life what scope I give them and how I let myself be given away.
I learned a new way of looking at things last night on Intevention. When an addict is given a choice in their disease they choose alcohol. For me as a codependent the choice for years was to stay enmeshed. I'm working pretty hard these days to learn to detach, stay separate and focus on me. I can spend my whole life pointing to the carnival of the alcoholic.
You can strategize and analyze and second guess and guess again and project and look at patterns. You can stand on your head and shake your foot. It makes no difference. There is an incredible super natural power in your life and if you would just pack it all up and jettison it to that super natural power the outcome will be the very best it can possibly be.
There is so much we do not know. There are so many factors at stake that we cannot understand or see or even begin to imagine.
I say take a very close look at step one and get to some meetings daily, if you can. You will get through this. Its not going to be easy or pleasant but you will get through it. You will survive and it will be OK. One day, you will see that it waaay better than OK, its great.
I thank my lucky stars (HP) daily, sometimes hourly that my exAH is no longer in my life. You will get to that point, too. Keep your eye on the prize and leave the details and methods to a super natural being so much greater than you could even imagine. Hugs, J.
Your post scared me a bit because it took my hand and walked me over the old landscape and your parts about HP being with you and your sponsor being there and you knowing that the program is for you....That was and is all the good stuff. You don't ever have to do it alone again!!
My lawyers didn't have a hint about the real problem...alcoholism. The judge didn't have a clue. I was missing lots of experience that would come later and the alcoholic was dressed to kill and very deep into the disease and denial.
I used what I had as tools back then and God I'm soooo glad I had been given them. I had the slogans and I had the awareness and the program permission to decide for myself how I would progress keeping an open mind and with acceptance and humility. None of the people involved found me a "lay down" and in fact my lawyer and one judge (there were two) found my process very self supportive and reasonable.
None of them could see the tool chest I carried into the courts with the literature, slogans, steps, traditions, principals and my sponsors phone number which I would not hesitate to use while putting the entire process on hold while I made that phone call.
It's an entirely different way of "letting go"...one in which as I do let go I actually get more treasure for myself. Go figure!! I'm so grateful for all the membership that came before me and was willing to give me all they learned for absolutely nothing but the price of admission which was also free!!
Keep coming back....Remember...E A S Y does it. Don't React!!. THINK and one of the bestest slogans ever...When In Doubt? Don't!!.
I so symphathesize with you. You have a long history with your A. So do I and we live in a small town and work for the small company (different states). I try to not get hung up in the "what is he thinking?" Where I am suppose to go? Doesn't he realize that people are watching us? Asking questions? Am I suppose to fade into the wall? If he doesn't acknowledge me does that mean I don't exist in his life? Go figure. And our grown sons. How are they suppose to answer the questions? The new twist, there is an opening in his department. I have wanted a transfer for awhile. Just when I was making a separation from him, I would see him more often. I don't think that the A's think. I do know that the program working. Not in a big way and not always noticeable. Good luck with the attorneys and accountants.
