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I am going to our final courtdate on Thursday to get divorced and for custody decision of my daugther. We talked with the guardian yesterday and my daugther wants to live with her dad. She has said that a month ago and I thought it was just a phase because of me and her dad having to talk to her about problems in school.
We have had joint custody for 3 years and she has been switching from week to week. I would love to have custody of her but am trying not to be selfish and thought it would be best if we keep the joint custody to be fair.
He has no income and the friends that are living at his house temporarily are paying all the bills, buying food, the friends wife is doing all the cooking and cleaning and making sure that my daughter is taken care of while she's with him. He does not take on any responsibilities. I know this because I'm friends with my ex's friends wife who lives there.
My abf has been sober for almost 10 months now and my daughter does not like him because of how he was when he was drinking. I wish she would give him a chance. Besides that being one of her primary reasons for wanting to live with her dad, another reason is that she has more freedom at her dads, basically is able to do what she wants. Life with me is structured with a daily schedule.
I have been doing my best in raising her. I thought I have been a good mom. Now she's choosing her dad over me and I feel like I'm not wanted. My heart is emotionally and physically hurting. I am feeling so sad and sick. I sat down earlier and broke down crying which I haven't done in so long. My cat came to lay in my lap and that was comforting.
I am hoping for justice, I am hoping that the judge will see the truth, and I am hoping he has kids of his own and knows what it is like to be a parent. Even if I recieve custody or we keep joint custody, my daugther will probably be mad because she didn't get her way. She is 12 years old, working on becoming a teenager and I know from experience that it's not always easy to deal with life around that age, especially with having to go tru a parents divorce and custody battle.
She's still blaming me for leaving her dad which he has made clear to her that it's my fault and I understand she wants to protect her dad. The guardian explained to her yesterday that there are 2 people in a marriage and basically that I'm not the only one to blame. Things happen. I am tired of him telling my daughter this stuff that she can't even comprehend.
I am hoping that if he is awarded custody, however I don't know how he's going to convince the court that the friends who live with him should support her and him, I am hoping that my daughter will eventually see that she didn't have it so bad with me. I believe I have been doing the right things in raising her exept for putting her tru my bf's drinking back then, and I will always blame myself for that.
The court decided in 2003 that my bf should not be around her. We did split up back then. We got back together later on. Now I also worry that they put me in jail for contempt of court. He is sober now and I hope that will make a difference with the judge.
I cannot concentrate on anything, all I think about is this issue, I can't sleep at night, my eyes are swollen and red from crying. So I turned to this board because I had to get this out. Maybe someone has some esh? I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.
Please if you can send me some prayers or words of encouragement or anything, all I want is justice in this custody case. I'm tired of feeling alone with this.
I know as a teeneager there was lots I didn't understand about what or why my mom did things to me, it took me to about 25 to "become human again" and I had great compassion for my mother & understanding of my mother. There was a time when I blamed her for things too but I came around eventually.
I don't really have specific ESH for you however ~ prayers are on the way and good luck in court.
love ur friend, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have a 14 yo daughter, I feel your pain! We had one of those good conversations last night between screaming matches about some girl who needed a ride home. She was pierced all over and when she missed the bus her mom told her to walk home - it was dark and about 10 miles at least. Then daughter said that this girl was pregnant last year (at 15) and lost the baby because she was in a fight with a girl who hit her in the stomach. So I pointed out that the appearance that this girl is so happy because she can do whatever she wants is really false. Her piercings, etc are a cry for attention from her mother who obviously doesn't give a crap. AND I mentioned that this girl would probably be very happy to have someone tell her NO when you're 18 and you move out you can do that..... At least that would show that mom cared. Daughter agreed FOR ONCE!!!!
I don't really understand the whole divorce but you still have ABF as well? Is the husband an A too? I can't really blame your daughter for being angry about the ABF and it probably gives her the appearance that you are choosing him over her considering the court order. That's my take on it, she's angry with you and it might not be unjustified. Probably not what you want to hear. There were a lot of things that my Ex A did/said to my kids that I didn't find out about for over a year after leaving him because they were afraid to say anything because they thought I might take him back. We have no idea what it does to our kids to see and deal with A behavior and it's really unfair to put them through it. Kids don't just say... ok he's sober now it's all better and I wouldn't expect a 12 year old to understand. Would you not give up the ABF - sober or not - to have your daughter live with you?
Thank you Kitty and carolina girl. No, the husband is not an A but has his own issues. I understand that my daughter is angry. I am not choosing anyone over anyone. We were split up and got back together when he got sober. It has been almost 10 months now. Why can't we just have our little family?
I appreciate your honesty and honesty was what I hoped to hear. She mentioned 2 things that bothered her about him when she was 6 years old. She did not say anything negative about him in the recent past. The guardian asked her if he ever hurt her or me and she replied no which is true.
I don't expect her to say oh he's sober now and everything is fine. I didn't know she felt that way about him until we talked with the guardian. I have talked with her into the first few months of being sober. She told me that he's nice now, and things seemed fine, she seemed to be okay with him in our lifes.
Yes, it's my fault for us living together even though the court said no. That was years ago and I guess I didn't really think about the fact that it doesn't matter if he's drinking or not, the order is still in place. Well, I knew it but I guess I just ignored it.
We do have the regular everyday life, no crazyness, nothing like that. I mean, why can noone give a person a chance, he's changed his life around. Yes, he's not perfect but who is?
personally as someone with abandonment issues I tend to want to be friends with everyone. Even people I have issues with I want them to be friends with me. I don't like them but I want them to like me.
Of course in a custody dispute there is going to be a lot of issues about who gets what. As far as I know the choice of a child is pretty limited until they get to a certain age. Judges tend to be focused on who can provide the most stable environment for a child.
I know for me personally when I was going through the motions of separating from the A I felt totally out of it. I'm sure you can get as much support as you can around these times. Ask for it. You can come here day in day out and post about how you feel and keep asking for support, care and understanding.
For me as a recovering codependent patience is hard won. I want it all sewn up tomorrow with as little effort as possible. What I have learned is that it is in the working through that I get to see my part in issues and work through charactor defects.
what she wants is going to play a big part in the decision. She is 12. In my opinion, we have a usual day to day life at my home. Yes the bf is an a but sober. The dad, I wouldn't say his home life is stable. How can it be without money? But who am I to take others inventory right? But don't I have to in court?
We have been separated for a long time so I'll be glad when we get divorced. I'm only concerned about the custody part. I'm not too patient with things when I don't know where I stand before the outcome.
Honestly, I didn't realize I did such a bad thing living with the A since sober. Now I feel even worse. I do see my part in things and will have to accept whatever is decided.
Hopefully my hp won't let me down and stays on my side. Thank you all
I don't know if you have an attorney or not. There are attorney's who specialize in custody issues. As far as I know (which is not much) they don't often aware custody to a parent who can't support a child. Personally I veer the line between taking someone's inventory when I look at boundaries. If someone isn't taking care of themselves for example I can't say I take their inventory because I kno longer go into depth about why, what, when how, I just look at that I am not capable of taking care of anyone else until I can take care of myself and end it there.
If you are in a custody situation I would imagine you would be very concerned about where your child lives when she is not with you. That's appropriate not inappropriate. Obsessing isn't appropriate being concerned is. I'm concerned when I meet someone who isn't taking care of themselves. I use the concern to set the boundary.
I have an attourney. There's no way I could do it without one. This stuff is pretty scary to me. I think in a trial you have to take others inventory or so it seems. People drag eachother tru the dirt which I don't even want to do. I couldn't care less what the ex does, but I do care about my child and if she's there all the time I have no say in anything.
I don't take care of anyone but my child and myself, well and the house which should be shared by my partner, but if I don't do it it doesn't get done and I like the housework done my way anyway. Have been doing it for many many years on my own.
Yes I am very concerned about the outcome but there's nothing I can do except for preparing well for tomorrow.
I talked to my mom today and listened to more should have's from her. She said I should have influenced my daugther and made her understand that her dad isn't as great as she thinks he is. But I don't do that. I know she is worried and cares about us. I cannot change it.
