The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a rant message just to get it out there. I keep thinking about how when he was in jail last time he thought he was back in love with me and seemed to be really in to me and said my new confidence was attractive and it's true- when he is in jail- I feel powerful and exude confidence I guess. When he first got out, it was the same he seemed into me. Then I watched him pick others over me, and of course used alcohol myself, and suddenly all the work I did to prove to him and to me that I was a new person who wouldn't tolerate rejection who was still confident and composed and attitude- just went out the window. It's like all the work was for nothing and now he and I both see myself as I used to be- groveling, needy, desperate, crazy, controlling, a sloppy mess. Thanks for letting me vent.
I mean how many people take their clothes off, lay on the bed, ask for sex, and then get rejected. I don't mean this to sound egotistical but I look pretty good naked. haha
I am feeling the same way. I held my A husbands hand through rehab, forgave him for all the pain he caused me and our children. He is 16 months sober and decided to leave me because he is too good for me now. He is now seeing a girl at work. Nice. Hurts almost more now that he is sober and doing this. HOWEVER, I'm trying to accept that this is his disease and his personality disorder. If he can do this to the mother of his children, he can do anything to anyone else. I keep asking why I would go back for some more. If he wasn't my children's father, I would never talk to him again. Too painful. He is jumping into another mess. I don't want to do the same. I think it is time to work on myself as I don't ever want another codependent relationship. How did I get this way? Vent all you want. It feels good, doesn't it?? Take Care
The reason he loves you when he's in jail is that normal non codependent people go away when you're in jail and all that's left are the handful of codependents. So less to choose from I guess it's because you're there, not love. I am working on learning to repel alcoholics and drug addicts! Seems so far to be all I can attract so I know I have to work on me and my inside stuff. Now's your chance!
I used to believe the ex A picked others over me. Now I know it was always the drug. I'm not sure if you have stopped using alcohol yet but I know it is a big help in getting clear headed. The alcoholic has an obsession with alcohol and we get an obsession with them. I stopped being obsessed with the exA. I can become obsessed over lots of different things.
Detach, detach, detach. Read all the literature you can especially the getting them sober series.
oh my gosh, oh my gosh... thanks for your post!!!!
I have a long boring story that is so much like yours I'll save you the time.
Just know it must be about them because my A lives what you just described- except along with the rejection he LOVES to through in comments about how appealing, funny, or how much he "likes" other women. HOW interesting or appealing they are..... and I spend my time trying to figure out why so I can "fix" it..
mmmmm....when will the madness stop?
PS- Don't beat yourself up about the "sex" thing-they hurt: HURT people HURT people...however they can
My AHsober has said so many negative things about me. In the Getting Them Sober books it shows that these are the games the alcoholics play. They need a fall guy to justify their poor behavior. They tell us in Alanon to not take it personally but it is hard. I struggle with his put downs and rejections. Underneath I know it is not about me. I remind myself that he is not my higher power.
