The material presented
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Well, tomorow is the day my 17 year old turns himself in for probation revocation. His lawyer says we can bail him out pretty quickly, then go to court in about 3 weeks. At first, this was our plan. But, for the past 2 weeks, he has treated our house as a hotel, not lifted a finger to help around here, and came in drunk at least one night. The kicker for me was this weekend, he had a bunch of friends at his grandma's house (she's out of town), I walked in and gave them all my "speech". Basicaly I tell them, keep your drugs away from my son if you use them (giving them credit, most, but not all use), if you feel you HAVE to do that crap, don't tempt my son. He will go straight to jail, while you will be given a chance w/probation. About 10 min. later they all left, son included. So, I go back in the house, it REEKS of pot, and there are the remnants in the bathroom where they were rolling joints, packing bowls, whatever. Needless to say, I've locked her house up tight and go over there a lot to be sure he has not found a way in.
So, now I'm thinking I'll call school tomorrow and fill them in on where he is and why he's not in school, there's only 2 weeks left in the semester, and he has grades he needs to pull up. Rather than bail him out quickly, I think he needs to cool his heels sober in jail for a few days. Hopefully, school will work with him, but either way, I'm feeling I need to let him suffer. This is going to be very difficult for me, but my eyes have been opened and I'm desperate for him to hit his rock bottom so he can go on to some sort of recovery.
Good luck Maryann. It sounds like you are going into all of this with your eyes open.
I know for me, it was always my expectations. If I did this or that, he would hit his bottom. I remember being so mad at my ex's family for catching him when he fell...AGAIN! I swear, if they had just let him hit his bottom rather than rescue him....
Even if his family wasn't the one who saved him, he would have found someone. He always does. He is an A and they are masters at finding enablers.
Punishing and expecting are two things that have always made me slip. And my alanon slips have always been harder on me than his A slips.
Holy cow! That was pretty impressive but must have been very hard. Kudos to you on courage to change. I think you are also on the right track to permit your son to experience the consequense of his actions. One thing to keep in the back of your mind....this event may seem like rock bottom for YOU, but it might not be HIS. We don't get a sign when they arrive at rock bottom so be cautious in your expectations. Keep coming back!
I did a lot of enabling with my oldest AD (now almost 31 years old) because there were grandchildren involved, and I was driving myself crazy, and definitely not allowing her to feel the consequences of her decisions.
My 20 year old AD still lives at home with me, and when I finally let go and allowed her to live with the consequences of her decisions, both good and bad, I found peace of mind I never thought possible.
Good for you for stepping back and not enabling!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Setting limits is a hard one. I don't know that anyone can engineer a 'bottom' for an alcoholic. I know there are consequences and a sure sign of alcoholism is that someone isn't able to understand them.
I'd encourage you to go to a therapist or someone where you can work out the consequences and what you will do about them. When we are in the fear obligation and guilt with an A its pretty hard to a) hold onto them (b) set boundaries and (c) accept what happens, often it is not what we want so desperately to control.
