6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Namaste Nurse · Newbie

Need some advice on what you have done to detach

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to the MIP Board ~ we have a 24/7 chat room too & it can help at times to have others to talk to immediately. They host 2 daily mtgs in there as well.

Detaching can be most difficult whether you are with an active user or not. I grew up in this disease and for me, I was not able to detach from my family (specifically my mother) until I got very focused on myself.
Once I was able to focus on myself & begin to implement self-love for a year, I exp true detachment for the first time. Yes, it has taken me a very long time (ive been around alanon over 20 yrs now) I was very resistent to changing and didn't apply what I was being told in terms of simply focusing on myself & not others. I seriously had a true obsession wiht other people & used that for years to avoid myself. I thought I was trying and I was but being able to stop obsessing along with gaining emotional detachment only came after I could focus on me, mind my own business (and not worry about othert people's mental health) and by focusing on gratitude ~ that is when my life turned around completely.

Also by making boundaries for myself so that I could have an option in which to behave or handle situations did wonders for me. I began to have outs & choices and take charge of situations when I felt uncomfortable. I had options ot remove myself or change my mind. i stopped being a slave to my guilt and what I thought others expected of me... i simply began to act instead of react.

I'll share the 6 guidelines for setting boundaries that another member shared with me here. I have used them to set boundaries in all areas of my life & they work beautifully. Remember boundaries aren't threats, they are simply matter of fact tools for us to protect ourselves from abusive situations.

Also, deatching means, i no longer worry about how other's will react or feel, it gives me the integrity to take control of myself & allow others that same dignity & respect. Now, if someone I love is upset by an action of mine, I know there is nothing I can do about it and that theiremotions arent my concern. We can all share our feelingws wiht each other but it is up to all of us as individuals to feel, deal & heal. We all have our own life to live and if I am busy worried about other people, I am ceratinly not living my own life.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFIENED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS)

Mobirdie · Senior Member

Detachment is sometimes difficult, however, once we figure out exactly what it is and what it isn't it does become easier.

I attend two different f2f meetings and both have used the worksheet at the following link to study detachment. No it's not conference approved literature but it is a conference approved topic. Both groups have found the study quite helpful and recommend it to others when appropriate. Coping.org has some great information. I hope you find it as helpful to your recovery as I have.

On the very last page there is a sort of poem that pretty much put it into perspective for me and I so wish I had been given this information when I first started studying detachment when I started my road to recovery.

http://coping.org/control/detach.htm

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

For me personally I lived with someone very similiar. When I stopped reacting and most of the time I over reacted he let go. He quickly found some other people to over react with. I really made a point of not talking the program to him. I personally never let the A have my cell phone, credit cards, keys or anyof those things. One book I would highly recommend is Getting them Sober. I think Toby Rice Drew (the author) has some excellent suggestions on where is the line between hurting yourself and enabling the addict. I wish I had read it years ago.

I know it is very very difficult not to be that invovled when someone is acting out but one way I have found is to really work on not knowing. The more I don't know the less I over react. I realize that is topsy turvy from the need to try to control all and know all so you can counter strategize but the less I knew the better. The less I second guessed him and obsessed the less he could interact with me.

Maresie.

missing out · Senior Member

Hi N N....
Detachment is a tough one for sure... I have had many struggles myself on learning to detach, I thought I had it all figured out till I lost my father resently, and now have a younger brother, that still struggles as an A... I have got better, but like the ones above... Once you put your focus back on you and less on him, you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel... I am new to this program and I could not be happier that I found it... Already in such a short time the on line chats, the on line programs are wonderful... It is nice to know that I am not alone, and that thier is people just like me with the same issues, the same "Drama" and the same goings on... So N.N. Just know that you are at the right place, and the answers you seek I believe are found right were you are...

HERE!!!

Much love...
Missing out...

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I need to pipe up and say that I found out that TECHNICALLY physical abuse includes taking your keys away so that you cannot leave. Its not just punching you in the face. It include preventing you from leaving a room or house by taking keys, etc.

I need to pipe up and tell you that from what you describe, you are in an abusive situation.

I was in an abusive situation and went through verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. Then, very slowly, it began to get physical, in very small increments. I learned later that abuse escalates and if you do not pay attention to the increasing increments, no matter how small, they get worse and worse until its too late.

Please be very very careful. Please check in with a shelter or social service agency about your situation. please get some help. Your very life may depend upon it. Hugs and best thoughts, J.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I would also add in Getting them Sober, Toby Rice Drew suggests looking into all the resources you can. The A who I was with put me in a situation where I had no money so I felt I had to stay with him. I looked at other resources and found money to do what I needed to do. There are resources, there are support groups there are counselors you can see on a sliding scale. You don't owe it tot he A to disclose what you are doing in getting support. He does have to disclose to you exactly what was said at an AA meeting.

The relationship I was in was very very abusive on many many levels. I was very very attached. Al anon helped me to learn how to de-tach. I can't say it came overnight I practiced it and practiced it and I felt inept at first but eventually I got much much better.

Maresie.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I would like to agree with Jean in that your situation aounds as though it is dangerous. It is not uncommon for A's to feel very threatened by our recovery and they often act out. Unfortunately this can mean that they go from screaming to hitting or much worse. Please take steps to protect yourself. Many of us had to work up a plan B just in case. Some suggestions would be a bit of money, extra keys, and some clothes left at a friend or neighbors house that you could get to if you need to leave.

As far as setting boundaries, make sure that if yu set a boundary, it is enforcable and you are willing to follow through. Empty threats are not only ineffective, they can be dangerous.

Sometimes it may not be to your advantage to tell the A what you plan to do if they step over your boundary.

As far as detaching, I found that when I really could internalise that Aism is a disease and the A is a sick person, I could finally see all his hurtful behavior for the symptoms of his illness that they are. Detachment is an exercise in removing myself emotionally from others actions, etc. It takes practice, but we do not have to be emotionally involved in everything that others do, say, think. What they do, say, think, is not about us. It is about them. They are responsiblefor these things. We are responsible for what we do, say, and think. So if we stay focused on our own thoughts and actions, it helps us to detach from others.

Clear as mud, huh? I hope this helps. It will get clearer, just keep asking and working on you.

In recovery,

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES