The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent some time with posts from the past on functional alcoholic spouses - I can relate to all of them and also thinking about maresie current post on boundaries. Could be my focus on my own life with functional alcoholic makes me slip back to the its not fair pity party but know I will feel better if I just get the rant out of my system.
It seems to me it would be easier intellectually at least to leave a functional A who was so messed up that every hour of the day was chaos, financial insecurity, lack of work, irresponsible etc -emotionally it would be more difficult to get well and leave or find serenity while staying.
I just find with a functional A that I cannot seem to keep boundaries and constantly fight guilt for my lack of appreciation for the good things he does even though his A coping skills let me down time & time again. I do well counting on myself, detaching but then he comes through and I end up feeling guilty for my lack of trust and fight slipping back to my own denial. It is worse than some extended family think it is and not as bad all the time as some other extended family think it is. These cycles of guilt, lack of trust that he will follow through, not reacting to bizarre behaviour are all things I allow myself to stay confused. It is next to impossible to feel confident when confused.
I am sad to read of others who stay and the things missing in their relationship with an A have created such a loss for the al anoner.
I am sad to read of those who must split up shared family history to save kids, to heal themselves from the disease of being affected by an A - especially the functional A's in denial.
I am sad or scared to see others work so hard staying, finding serenity and then deal with end stage A illness too.
I am sad to hear a therapist's story that one A's wife divorced him and she never got well while another A's wife stayed marriad & knew she did everything she could for the man she loved through out their life and end stage illness plus his death.
I am in this mood as I feel vulnerable right now as in recovery from a kind of sudden surgery that went well but I have 6 wks recovery now & 2 of those, I can't drive. I have good physical support but the emotional support is of corse absent but I am appreciative for any support I get and shamed that it is better than I expected. I have to be careful and not show any sign that I can do more than the doctor wants me to do though or support would be gone in a flash. I've done that in the past and had surgery redone or fixed because I didn't stay down as instructed. Too much time to think - I will go read my courage to change book until I can sleep again. Thanks for reading my fears, self pity and mental struggle.
ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
First of all ddub, I have been there...surgery is very disabilitating and can lower one's mood deeply. The fact that you are aware of this is a good thing and you must keep this in mind. Whatever your situation, or however you feel try to think of these next few weeks as a 'sort of holiday' in that, whilst the physical support is there and the caring is there look upon it as respite for you from having to DO everything for everyone else as well as yourself.
I know this might sound weird however, I found the more I looked upon my indisposition as a REST and TIME OUT from working, that view point gave it a positive value instead of the usual negative I cannot do things, I have to rely on others stuff. Am I making some sense here?
Meanwhile, as you have rightly pointed out you will be doing yourself no favours if you get up and do more than you should too soon and get the support removed too soon for your own good.
As for the emotional support, well I have spent a lifetime without that and I know how hard it is, my faith in my higher power was the emotional strength I got. And I found reading, listening to music and taking time out waking with my higher power in daydreams helped so much.
Indulge in something that makes you happy, still by a cosy fire, gaze out into your garden, watch beautiful documentarys that take you around the world to far off place that you would otherwise never visit and see. And remember ((((((((((((((((((((((((ddub))))))))))))))))))) you have sisters and brothers here, me for one, who will be praying for all the best things for you at this time.
Concentrate on healing and gaining strength and gain strength from wherever it is available.
Sending you bunches of Winter foliage, and winter songbirds to sing to you, joy in your garden - my daffodils and snowdrops are just beginning to show through the frozen ground, thinking I would love to ply you with hot chocolate with marshmallows in it topped with cream - if you like that sort of thing - wagon loads of soothing music and arms full of serenity and peace.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
The A who I was with was once functional. There were times when I am certain we looked okay to others. He definitely could pay the bills for years. Gradually over time that stopped. I don't think we can any of us second guess the issue of staying or leaving. For me personally there was an inevitability about it. I certainly used al anon when I stayed and I certainly used al anon when I left. I don't encourage or state that anyone should leave (God knows I certainly hated to be told to leave which seemed to be so easy for other people to drop off their lips). Leaving or staying the journey is there. For me the journey is not about the "relationship" anymore but the relationship I have with myself. What other people choose we can't ever really know all the circumstances. Certainly for some people there are many many financial issues and children too. The financial held me back for a long long time. I needed a lot of support, stay or leave and you can get that here. I know also for me one useful tool in examining the stay or leave was to make a plan be. I made one and polished it up and talked about it a great deal. I felt I had options then.
I've long given up on comparing my life to other people's I don't know that is helpful. There is much I have in common with others and much I don't. I tend to veer towards what I have in common.
