The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself all the time having to scrutizine all my boundaries and work on limits and looking at my expectations. Every single day I find different ways I've allowed others to broach my boundaries in different ways. As someone who was incredibly codependent I allowed all my boundaries to be broached day in day out till I got to a state of exhaustion. Some of what I find is the more boundaried I am the better I feel. If I am taking care of myself I am less exhausted. I no longer feel disappointed when I encounter someone who is not going to meet my needs I feel validated that it is going to be a long hard haul to make that support group happen.
I have boundaries hard to wrap my head around. I have gotten a little better over time with the growth of this program, but still they evade me. I like the way you describe them because I too feel exhausted a lot. Maybe it's because I have very few boundaries, particularly with my son.
I'm reasonably good at maintaining healthy boundaries for me and my AH - progress. But terrible at maintaining them with my son. Perhaps I feel so guilty at the crappy life he has had living in an alcoholic home, I spoil him at my expense. Need a ride to a friend's house? Sure! Wanna sleepover and only ask at 10:00pm that night? Why not? Forgot to tell me you needed something at the store only after I return from the store? Why I'll run out and get it now etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, I love my son. But I'm realizing that I need boundaries with him too. My enabling isn't just with the A in my life.
Boundaries are indeed important and a challenge. Part of the challenge is to be prepared for the consequences when you set a boundary and it's crossed. My boundary for my AH was that I wanted him home, not out drinking 3 - 4 nights a week, coming home late or not at all. He responded to my boundary and said we need to be separated. He got the separation and is now 1 month gone. I 'kicked' him out and feel abandoned as he has resumed the swinging singles life. Was it the right boundary for me? Absolutely - I deserve a husband that loves and cherishes me. Is it painful that he made that choice? I think we allkow the answer to that - meetings, therapy and prayers. Thanks for listening
Having the courage to do what's right for yourself is a good thing. I wish you strength and comfort. Just reading your story has brought up fear of abandonement in me. snowqueen xx
