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I finally got an apartment. Another that was dropped down from above but even more perfect. A bit closer, lots of land, great people/landlords, private and they don't drink! God did have other plans after the other apt. fell through......I have paid the first month which starts in February. Only a very few know. My family and 2 very close friends. I'm scared to death. Sometimes it is surreal to me that I am going through with it. I look around my home of 20 years and think "how can I do this?" But really......how can I NOT do this! I need myself back....I need peace. I've written about it before but even since then.....It is just awful and I can not stay and watch it happen anymore. He is so gone! And at this point he does know how bad it is I think but just will not go for help. a phone call away, and our good friend who loves him and has been sober for 15 years would help him through. I think what scares him the most is the withdrawl (this is a man who is at least a sixpack+ AND a pint, at least a pint, of whiskey a night, everynight....) He has started a good job a couple months ago and I, personally, am amazed, although I don't even know for sure, that he does a good job....carpenter work. I don't ask anymore, I don't fight, beg or do any of it anymore. I'm tired, I find it so hard to focus on my work......and all I do is work. to stay sane I guess. BUT.....I need help.....It's been answered before when I've asked, but I need to hear it again from you guys if you have been through it please......HOW, how do I sit down with him and say I am going, for sure, on the 1st of February?! I think he may know it is coming.....but has blocked it out. He was drunk one day on a weekend and came onto the computer and read through my emails, saw a message from te realtor. when I got home he asked if I was looking for an apartment and I was honest...very honest and calm and said yes.....I could not do it anymore, watch hm die and not care.....I told him all of it, calmly, but sadly, because he does not have really much memory anymore, I don't think he remembers....as it has not come up again.....or he blocked it out. How do you say it? WHEN do you say it? What do you do? What don't you do? I plan on getting the important stuff out of the house in the next couple weeks. ..... See, the very hardest part of this all is that I really do love him so much. But really can not stay anymore. I've tried it all to no avail. Had the intervention planned (2 actually) all set up and the first one, 4 out of the 6 realized that he won't go for help......2nd time, his mom, who would have the most influence on him I feel, was going to pay 1/2, she came down from Maine, then backed out at the last minute. I grit my teeth when I think of it......and it is her side of the family the disease was prominant......not her tho....I'm scared for him. scared for me too but I will survive. UGH....please send along anything....advice, prayers, words of encouragement. Thank you all.......you are quite an amazing bunch. xo M
It's good to hear from you again and you reached into my diary and this is how I remember it.
We had separated several times with each one ending in coming back to gether and getting sicker. I remember my apartment with my own stuff and then I remember walking away from it and going back each time with more pain and less hope.
And then the night after she had moved from our old apartment across the court to another one and me frustrated and angry and sick wanting to talk to her and wanting to tell her that the only thing I wanted back so that I might clean it up was my last name and I was talking loudly thru the door and the police came...for me not because she had called them but because the neighbors had and I was given two choices; jail or wrap myself in a curtain and sleep on the carpet in the old apartment, just me and the carpet and I did and when I woke in the morning she was poolside with some of the other renters and I walked up to the pool fence and told her that I was leaving and would not be back and that I was no longer responsible for her life. The last thing that happened was my alcoholic wife chasing after me down the driveway yelling, "You are responsible, you are!" I didn't turn back and down the road I met some of the police that had been there the night before and one of them remarked how much better I looked and I thanked him and kept going.
It was the start of the change I needed to do for my self...not the end or the middle, the start. I am always on the next day because I only have one day at a time.
I found out its okay to be afraid and still do what I know is necessary for me. I found out that fear is only a feeling and nothing more. It only has power to stop me if I give it that power. I can be fearful and do the next best thing. I can also be happy and do the next best thing too.
I applaud your courage. I pray that you hold on to it. Here is a New Years gift the acronym for fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. (((((hugs)))))
I so identify with your feelings and after twenty years of marriage, (now almost 19 years ago) I too called it a day for I knew that to stay would be my own physically death as the emotional and mental death had already taken me to the brink of sanity.
Feeling that I just could NOT watch any more destruction in the man I loved then as no other, he was truly my first love and is to this day my only love and the love that I still have in my heart if I am honest with myself, I dragged myself through the physical process of removing myself from his life. The only difference was I had two distraught children who did not know what to do, how to feel, and were so scared and hurt and mixed up - but that is another story; it is suffice to say that it screwed me up further to realise that staying would hurt them and leaving would hurt them and they did not know whether they were too scared to leave their father, or too scared to stay with their father. However the deciding factor for me was that the violence and the destruction had reached such a pitch that my life was is danger, and his doctor told me if I did NOT leave the children would end up with neither father nor mother. Why? I would be dead and their father would be in prison for murder.
Wake up call or what.
The only thing that I can say that might help you at this point is, ONE DAY AT A TIME and just for today recognise the insanity that is taking your life as well as his right now. Nothing changes unless something is changed.
Keep saying the Serenity Prayer, feel what is right for YOU, and have the courage to make the change that will save YOUR LIFE for you are only responsible for that, he has to save his own life and in order to do that HE HAS to make the changes IN HIS OWN TIME.
So, take courage, stay close to your HP and know that grace, courage and wisdom will show their face more each day. You have already made that all important change by taking the first step and do not doubt your own courage here. Your MIP family here will help, will comfort, will listen, will uphold you and I shall pray for strength and peace in your heart as you so bravely choose LIFE, for yourself.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I don't have that experience. My AHsober left me after 30 years. But I do know that they always hang on for some reason. Having gone to meetings and reading here at MIP, I don't think we Alanoners make many rash decisions. Because we have support from the program, we seem to know what is right for us. Big step I know for you. The A's will make it or not. Mine is a dry drunk and won't work a program. I think that it is now between him and his HP. The same goes for your A. Take care of yourself.
I am not the one who moved out, but told my ah to leave when I discovered he was continuing a relationship with another woman. I made the decision and did it. I called him and told him that the kids and I would be gone that night and he needed to be gone by morning. Probably the one and only big decision that I did not reel around in my head and get crazy over first (then again I already was feeling crazy...) . I am so glad I did not give myself the time to get talked out of it either by myself or him.
Only you know what is right for you. Just remember, you will be okay. YOU CAN DO THIS! You are doing the footwork to take care of yourself, and no doubt your HP will be right beside you. Works every time.
Glad you are here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
It sounds like you are holding your HP's hand. ((((hugs)))) I would stay focused on that stillness you've found inside of you, and keep doing the next right thing for yourself. If that is unclear, do the next "kind" thing.
When I made the decision to get out of the marriage, I finally felt peace. It occurred to me, that I had prayed for this relationship to work out for 26 years! I finally accepted that it must not be HP's will for me, I was suffering way too much. Although it was frightening, I embraced step 3 and kept putting one foot in front of the other.
I'd like to share that just yesterday, I found myself in the middle of a nasty conflict between my adult children. Immediately, I knew I was powerless on my own. I stayed calm. Before I spoke, I invited my HP to be present. Lo and behold, it turned out just beautifully!
Our HP is always with us. WE are the one to forget this. Struggling on our own is never necessary.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have been where you are just this past year. After 24 years of being together, our kids (12 & 7) and I moved out of our family home last March. It was sooo hard to do but I knew I had to do it. Looking back over the past ten months the thing that comes to mind the most is...we're okay. It was hard and extremely stressful but my HP put everyone and everything I needed in my path when I needed them. I kind of wish now I had relaxed a little more and had a little more faith not only in knowing my HP would be there but in myself as well. I stressed myself into a state of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual illness. I lost weight I couldn't efford to loose. I had to go on stress leave from work. I ranted and raved when he moved his 27 year old girlfriend into our family home and I lost touch with my HP which allowed me to fall into a depression.
Maybe all of that needed to happen, maybe that was my "bottom" and the shock I needed to get back to Al-Anon. You are already here and hopefully are able to stay connected to your HP and your circle of support. Try to relax, you are not only doing what is best for you but also what is best for him. Maybe once your out of the way, he will hit his bottom, and maybe he wont. Either way, that's up to him.
My kids just came home from their Dad's a day early because he is driving his AGF to treatment today. He doesn't know I know that but it's funny how things have changed in just ten short months. The biggest thing I realize today is all of this was going to happen regaurdless of wether or not I stressed myself into a tight little ball or relaxed and did my best to find some joy in everyday while this was all going on.
It's hard and sad but also a very important part of your journey. Don't miss it because of fear and stress....I know, easier said but when you look back on this a year from now you just might wish you had trusted the process a little bit more.
" We rise to great heights by a winding staircase" ~ Francis Bacon
I am coming up to 2 years after leaving the A I left in April 2007. Even after I left I had contact with him for a long long time. If he is an A he will no doubt expect you to be back. One thing I would urge is not to have any hope that this action might be what puts him into sobriety. For whatever reason whatever it is has to be from them not from outside them. Certainly some people go in some kind of bottom but some don't. None of us can engineer their bottom.
I do know that the first month I left the A I was very lonely. I felt intense grief. I'm almost up to 2 years later and I'm still grieving but in a different form. I no longer have any contact at all. i have no idea where he is and I make a point of not knowing. I also make a point of not going to anywhere he might be. That isn't that easy somedays.
I do certainly know the place of not wanting to go and having to go. I wish I had not got myself to that place. I would urge you strongly to not tell him where you are. The A who I was with paid more than one visit to me. He also called a great deal and initially for me those calls were hard.
You certainly can pick out ways to deal with the roadmap ahead. I know for me my over responsibility and over concern for the A has fallen away to be regard and concern for me.
Thank you guys.....what power and guidance you are givng..... "Maybe once your out of the way, he will hit his bottom, and maybe he wont. Either way, that's up to him." Of coarse, this is what I hope......save his life but I also know that it probably won't happen. He's in deep and this will be just one BIG excuse...another reason.... The hardest is...."the kids" my dog (used to have 4 ....3 all about the same age and lost them withing a year.....14,15 and 16) He talks about getting another dog but I have put the kabash on that knowing the future. I am leaving her with him but will be checking on her daily while he is at work. If I see she is going down hill, she will go with me. My horses are near my home now and the apt is 4 miles away so it will be tough to not have him know...He is not violent....just self pity and often nonsense verbal abuse....stupid stuff. I will not get a phone for a while and he still, after 5 years, does not remember my cell phone # even tho it is written in the book.... I know he will try and use the animals (5 cats too, I am taking 3, possibly all 5) as a guilt thing.....so be it.....I am beyond that now.......I think....My HP has been there for me so much and I often smack myself forgetting this when I am "flippin". I think the best way for me to go, after I can remove what I must from the house....my deceased parents stuff I want....peronal stuff etc....is to have it happen after a bad time.....which usually occurs about once a week....you know, the really bad times of so drunk and stupid and argumentive and nasty and .....then the next morning saying "I'm sorry but...." always with a but! Always with "I'm this or I'm that".....memememememe" And it is so funny how they think it is NOT them, that they think about everyone else all the time, they help everyone else all the time and always get screwed...enough to make me just puke! Anyhoo, thats what I think may be the best.....my gut sometimes says to sit down when he is sober (a.m.'s...early) and tell him so it can be a somewhat decent talk but there is no such thing anymore. And after a bad night, it would be the same anyway except he won't be as defensive knowing he was wrong. If I do it when he has not had quite so much for a couple days he will try his hardest to let me know he "is trying but........") and also all my faults and ...such. Even now when there is talk and he talks about my faults, and I will agree with him about my faults and agree about what I do wrong just to shut him the f*** up, it does not anymore...this is when it just gets stupid. like he is making no sense...typical A stuff. Has to have the last word... Well my friends. time for bed...((((((((((all of you)))))))) These posts help me so much. Thank you. Much love! M
