The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I've spoken about often I have moved into a phase of my life where I am constantly assessing my boundaries and working on them. What's come up for me recently is a suprize. I've set in motion a lot of boundaries around being around active alcoholics and addicts. What's a shock to me is that intuitively I've also set in motion boundaries around people pleasers too. If I sense someone is a people pleaser (and I'm talking about someone who is in my physical vicinity) I now think "whoa". As someone who's spent their entire life people pleasing myself practically into a coma this is a real shocker. I've moved from a place of seeing people pleasing as a form of sainthood to now finding it pretty aversive to be around. I now see it as a signal of someone who "wants" something from me and generally its something I don't have.
Needless to say I can also see in the past that when I encounted a people pleaser there was something in me that practically triggered an "orgy" of people pleasing. It was like meeting my twin. I have no doubt this is some of the similar pattern of falling into relaitonships I have always had, move in hast repent at leisure or in another words feel absolutely super glued and have no boundaries at all.
Who would believe this?
I'm certainly not condemming anyone who is a people pleaser just now noting that I find it pretty difficult to be around. No wonder no one "sane" wanted to be around me.
wow mariesie, this is such a great thing for me to hear right now. That trying so hard. That trying to control. That contortion. That getting them to like/love me. That getting them to never leave me. That grabbing on so tight. That total obsession: if only I could just x, y, z THEN they would love and appreciate me, come back to me, want me in their lives, etc.
yek.
I will need to think about it some more but your final words about "no wonder no one "sane" wanted to be around me" really hits the nail on the head! WOW, thanks for totally blowing my mind. People-pleasing is insane behavior, it makes everyone 'sane' feel the heebie jeebies. You are so right on. This is really just exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Thanks so much! Jean
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Maresie))))))))))))))))) honey, I just love you so much for I know how hard it is for you to go through this growth. Wonderful, simply wonderful and so encouraging to read your story.
Courage dear one, you have come sooooooo far in the short time I have been here; well now I look back at Heartbroken of 2007 and see my own growth since ditching Heartbroken and accepting ME - Suzannah - I also know that the fear of being UNLOVED and therefore the OVER COMPENSATION by PEOPLE PLEASING was the HUGE and UNHEALTHY HABIT that HAD TO BE KICKED OUT and DEALT WITH.
Yes, you are so amazing in your tenacity, courage dear Maresie, I see leaps forward in your recovery programme.
Thank you for this, I needed to be reminded of this bad habit and why I HAD TO DEAL WITH IT and KEEP IT IN CHECK TO THIS DAY.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I find it all very conflicting, the need to people please and the need to rebel at the same time. I don't want to conform, yet I want to fit in. I want to be liked/loved for who I am yet I still bend who that is to fit who I'm with at the time and later feel embarrassed and resentful about it.
It sure is easy to see it in others yet until I read your post, I didn't really think I was doing it anymore. This is a sign to me that I have to revisit the reasons why I like myself, love myself, respect myself and to let it go if not everyone I come in contact with doesn't like me.
Well I certainly had the need to rebel too. In fact most of my young adult life my rage was demonstrated in my need to rebel and really have it out there. I know that was really the only way I survived.
My stance these days is to be respectful but to always have my ear out for boundaries. I guess it is about time. I do know when I am around people pleasers now I move on. I simply can't do that anymore. I do not have the answers for myself so how could I have them for other people.
I have become the opposite of a people pleaser. Hopefully not too much so. I have learned to say "no" quite easily. If asked : why not? I keep it simple and say "because I don't want to". No one ever has much more to say..lol
I guess I may have reached a stage in my life that I know I have less time to live then what I have already lived. I'm sure not going to live it doing things I don't want to do. At least the things I have control over.
The first time I said no to a Tupperware party was joyous. I hate them..lol I don't like the stupid little games and could care less about the newest plastic wonder container. I used to feel obligated to attend because it was a friend having the party. Not any more. I figure it was their idea to have the party and I just leave it at that. It is what it is. Thank HP it is without me.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi All, I can relate to all of the posts here in some way, looking back on my behaviour...I feel a bit queasy at all the people pleasing I've done and can just as easily swing to the complete opposite. Lol I'll take things easy and just keep focusing on living A Day at a Time....and using Live and Let Live. Thanks snowqueen xx
