The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I live in a small town that has no Al-anon groups so I'm looking on the Net for some answers.
I have a 26 year old son that is an alcoholic and he lives away from home. It is just a matter of time that he will not be able to make it on his own. The question I have is do I take him back in. I have no idea whether that would be the right thing to do. I'm sure there would have to be rules that he would have to live by.
If there is anyone in this forum that had to live through this already I would appreciate your expiernece. What rules did you set down and did it work or not work. If the rules were not followed what did you do.
If this is not the forum for this type of discussion then do you know of any forums that I could get advice.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Looking for answers as what to do.
Aloha Alvin and welcome to MIP. There is a meeting room here and many meetings during the week some twice a day. If it is you opinion that your son maybe soon dependent I would suggestion progessional help and one of the clear sources for that would be AA. Look in the white pages of your phone book and see if there is a hotline number for them or check with AA WSO (World Service Organization) You might google it. They will have invaluable information and maybe a member or two that would meet with your son.
Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and fatal disease if is allowed to run its course without intervention and help. It not only takes down the addicted it will also take down the addicted alcoholics family, friends, associates and more and that is why Al-Anon is so helpful because this program is for those who have been affected.
Taking him in? I've never seen that work real well or at all without the alcoholic being willing to stop drinking completely and seek help from sources of real help. If you attempt it I would also suggest that you do that around some very clear and inforcable boundaries and understandings or you might find youself more fully involved in this incurable disease. It can only be arrested with total abstinence...that comes from the AMA manual on primary diseases. My experience has show it to be true.
Get much more feed back and take the time to think about it all. Think about the different consequences you will get as a result of making the choices you decided to make under the conditions that they exist. During and after you go thru this period of investigation, thought and meditation, turn the whole out come over to who God is as you belived God to be and do the next right thing. Finally Keep coming back here because this is the source of wisdom and experience. The members here have either gone thru what you are going thru now and learned real solutions or they and going thru it now and are learning alternative ways of looking and living with the disease.
Again Welcome...Happy New Year and keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
That is the kind of information I'm looking for. Thanks for taking the time to put it all together and sending me your response.
I know I need to learn alot. I do have one option and probaly not a good one. I can help him pay his bills for a month or two until I learn what is the right think to do. Actually the decision has been made by the wife and I to help pay his bills if he asked so we can have that one month to learn.
Another option is to notify his creditors that he is sick and unable to pay his bill for now. It actually is his responsibility to do this and you might make the suggestion to him. You are not responsible for his bills or to his creditors. This is one of our first steps..."first things first" responsibilities. When my alcoholic's creditors came looking for money I directed them to the assets that secured the debts. Where they tried to hold me responsible for unauthorized credit decisions on their part I refused to participate. It was their responsibility; not that they were aware that they were dealing with the disease of alcoholism but that they were in the business or risk and should have known how many and in what form they might take.
The solution should not rest on your shoulders when the decision wasn't yours in the first place.
This is a learn and change spiritual program. Keep coming back.
Hello Alvin , we are enablers , the more we do the less they have too . practicing alcoholics are not big on responsibility . If u decide to help with his finanaces , never give the money directly to him pay the bill yourself , pretty good chance it will never get there . Alcoholics lie , will do and say anything to get what they need that is the disease = not the son u raised . If u go to the official Al-Anon web site u will find there a detachment pamphlet , with some do's and donts , they wil explain our part in this disease . also u say u live in a small town there may be meetings close by if u call 1 888 4 alanon it is a toll free international number and they will give u a contract for the area closest too you , it's well worth the effort to drive , your going to find parents like yourself who will share thier own experiences with you .u need support this is simply too much for us to handle alone . Louise
The wife and I know some of the rules but they are hard to follow. Whne we do pay a bill or part of one we do it online so he doesn't get the money. We did have a discussion and decided to tell him if he ask for money that this is the last month we will help. We know he makes enough money to pay his bills and if doesn't have enough money this means he is using it for alcohol.
You mentioned the official Al-Anon web site . Can you give me the address for this site. I did a search and came up with a few sites.
By the way we found an Al-Anon group near us and plan on going tomorrow night.
There is a ton of literature on the disease of alcoholism and much of it you can get online very cheap at amazon.com (unfortunately folks don't think they need it).
There's the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous with a section on the family. There's another book "How Al-anon Works" along with some other really good daily readers.
Welcome aboard and keep coming, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hi Alvin, thanks for posting. I just want you to know that you are not alone! There are so many people and parents who have been in your shoes. Lots of experience, strength and hope out there, you will sort this all out and it won't be easy but there is a lot of hope so do not despair! You have made some great choices, keep coming back! J.
Welcome. I am sad to hear about your situation. It is about the worst for it to be our child.
Remember he is sick. In order to get well he has to do his own work. It is my experience when we do anything at all, we are helping him to be well enough to use more.
If we provide his bills paid, we then are allowing the disease to take him over further by being comfortabe in a home with heat to use.
Sadly their total goal is to use. I know it is hard to face, I have been there. As parents we feel it is our job to care for them.
For me, I had to learn to let go. He had to find his own way, he had to face he had to pay his own bills to eat.
We are honeslty making them sicker by "helping" them. Getting Them Sober is a book that is excellent at helping us to understand. By Toby Rice Drew.
My own AH would make up a fight here at home so he could go to his mommys and use with out guilt.
All they want is a place to use in. We hope if we allow them to fall, be homeless, hungry etc. They will feel so bad they will be desperate to get well and go to AA, and rehab.
I have seen soooooo many parents enable, then have their over fifty year old "kids" living with them. A's need tough lessons to get to the place to get to recovery.
There is so much to learn. Even long timers have much to learn.
I am so glad you are here. I hope your dear son will get a chance to learn early to be miserable enough to get help himself to stay well.
There is a great series of books called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. I can highly recommend any of the series. Toby has some very succint answers to the questions you pose. They have meetings here twice a day. You can check in here and keep coming in to the chat room and meeting room. To go from being overly responsible is a hard journey but it is possible.
