Why is it sooooooo hard???? Someone PLEASE help me to understand this~ - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Why is it sooooooo hard???? Someone PLEASE help me to understand this~

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

I finally hit my codependent bottom when the ex-fiance walked out and left me and my youngest daughter high and dry financially, and I was completely broadsided by what he did.

My whole world came crumbling down around me.

It was during my greatest pain, that kind of pain where your heart has been torn in two and you are laying on the floor sobbing, that I finally surrendered to God and told him I just couldn't do things my way anymore because that wasn't working.

The difference between God's will and my will is that my will usually hurts.

The only way to get past the pain is to walk through it, and that's what I did with the help of the steps and my friends in the program.

I came into that relationship still a very damaged person, just as he was. It was doomed to fail.

I was still seeking validation from outside resources, and had once again grabbed a 'knight in shining armor' during one of my low periods, and with the same disastrous results in the end.

I spent far too many years making decisions based on fears and my insecurities, and created so much pain and chaos in my life.

For me, my victory was in surrender, surrender of my will, and finally seeking help for my issues through the program of Alanon.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry you are hurting like this.

One thing that I remember from the beginning of my recovery and study into codependency is that Melody Beatie states that we didn't get codependent in a vacuum, and we won't get better that way either. We have to have relationships in order to learn how to have HEALTHY relationships. So secluding ourselves doesn't work. Seclusion doesn't allow us to learn, and it doesn't allow our children to learn how not to repeat the same unhealthy behavior we show them.

I'm glad you have a home group and a sponsor. Keep working with those. I would like to suggest you try some meditation to help you learn how to clear negative thoughts from your mind. That would give you a tool to stop the obsessing.

One other thought, one of the things this program has really taught me is how to tell who is safe to share my feelings with. I used to share my feelings with people who were not safe. It really sounds like you A is not safe to share feelings with. You share, he gives you more of the run around, you are kept constantly off balance and you hurt. That's not what I would call a safe dynamic, and it is a very typical alcoholic/codependent relationship.

Look at your own motives for sharing yourself with him. You have told him many times how you feel. Are you continuing to tell him over and over so he will know, or are you telling him again and again to try to change his mind and behavior. ( I have a brother who thinks if you don't agree with him that your ears don't work, so he repeats himself louder and louder each time until you change your mind.) The latter is still struggling with step 1. I am powerless over alcohol, the A , other peoples thinking, other peoples actions, other peoples feelings, etc. This is how I think of step 1.

So I hope you find something here that helps. It's jst my ESH, so take what you like and leave the rest.

I am wishing you some serenity today.

In recovery,

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

well Shelly it appears that were not so good at letting go . I don't know if your attending al anon f2f if not I hope u consider doing so soon . You will learn to detach with love get the focus back on you and your needs .
My husb and I separated after 25 yrs of marriage * his idea * and it was the best thing he did for us . in the six months that we were apart , I found out that i could be happy and ok with out him and he found out that home was where he wanted to be . that was 19 yrs ago . You only have to do this one day at a time , relationships seem to bring out old behviors in al of us , we all have to change and become happy individuals with or with out them . It must be diff talking and emailing as often as u do I would find that very confusing I didn't see or talk to my husb for the first 4 m onths that he was out of our home . which i know made things alot easier for me . my attitude was if were separated act like it . good luck look after you and with or with out him u will be okay
There is always hope don't give up on you . Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One day at a time helps. I can only give you my ESH. For me personally it was essential not to have contact with the ExA. I stopped being in contact with him and stopped speaking to his friends and family. I made a decision to let go and kept it one day at at a time. So one day at a time I don't speak to him, wonder how he is, what he is doing, what he may do, what he did do. I have enough grief of all the stuff that went on between us.

There is a lot of anger still in me that I let so many boundaries be broken and did not take more action on my part. I feel that the action I take these days on not being in contact with him helps a great deal. I turned him over to the HP he has. Clearly he has one because the way he behaves he should have been dead long long ago.

Detaching is a really hard thing to do. There are books on this pamphlets on this. There is reading on it at www.coping.org.

I know for me it was the last thing I wanted to do and the very thing I needed to do.

Some people's version of sobriety isn't necessarily healthy. Some people just hang on with the not drinking part and don't want to look at themselves or do the work to transform themselves. No one can "make them". I tried so hard to make the exA understand how destructive he was. Now when I'm up against a person who doesn't want what I have to offer I no longer bed, plead, argue. I let go. I wasn't always t here.

Maresie.

stringstrummer · Newbie

One way of looking at things, which has helped me when I need to let go of my resistance to 'what is', is to surrender to the idea that the universe is unfolding in such a way as to teach me lessons. Lessons about myself, and lessons about life in general. The universe has thrown many curve balls at me, so it has taken me a while to trust that this idea could be true, but I have found it helpful when I need to draw something of value out of even the most negative of experiences. This idea has helped me to let go of resentments and regrets from the past as well as fears of the future. It has given me the courage to test new solutions and try new things. It has also helped me to better appreciate right where I'm at in life, even if it's not what I had planned for myself. And this idea is very Alanon inspired. I find it throughout the Alanon literature. It all comes down to surrendering and trusting what is, in this moment.

Best wishes.

Clinton

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((shelly)))))

I hear your pain. I am separated myself after a long, long marriage (his choice). It is unbearable at times. However, trying to figure it out brings on more pain sometimes. Remember Step 1, we are powerless over alcoholic whether they are drinking or not. Our lives have become unmanageable. If you read the Getting Them Sober books I think that you will understand what you are up again. I have asked "why" here at MIP many times and the answer is "don't try to figure out the why's". We have to take a stand for ourselves. The yo-yo relationship that you write about is no way to live. As I have found out.

In support,
Nancy

forever-hopeful · Newbie

I've never posted before, but reading your post really mirror's my life and situation right now. I don't understand either, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I too need some help and understanding as to WHY it's soooo hard??

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been there. I know the craziness. It took a long time for me to realize that what I was hanging on to was what I wanted, and that it in no way resembled what was or could be.

I am two years in and I still struggle, but it is easier. It is easier due to two things: Al-Anon and my HP (whom I call God). I seemed to turn a corner after praying every day in my car on the way to work for God to help me turn my emotions off of my AH and onto me and my children.

It doesn't come easy and it doesn't come fast (which is a bummer), but it does come. I now believe the promises of Al-Anon where a year ago I was pretty sure that I was the exception and a lost cause.

Come here, talk to people who truly understand, get yourself a sponsor, read literature, get yourself to meetings, and BELIEVE. As I say this to you I am reminding myself. Thanks for the post, Shelly.

Blessings,
Lou

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((shelly))))) Aloha!!

I'm grateful for the rear view mirror you hold for me. It use to be that way
and I use to feel that way and talk that way and be confused like that and
cry and rant and rave and....

Then I got into program, face to face meetings and just sat dumfounded.
I had more whys than anything and ran into my first "Al-Anon promise"
in the closing of my very first face to face meeting. What it said was, "if
you keep and open mind you will find help."   My mind had to be open in
order to hear something different than all the stuff I was trying to solve
the problem with. I had to do something different because my solutions
and questions were part of my problem.

I didn't understand and I didn't understand that I didn't understand. I
knew nothing about alcoholism or alcoholic relationships or learning how
to love myself while learning how to love others in the same way.

The reason you are having such a bad time is that what you know and
what you're doing.....isn't working.   You're not getting what you want
doing what you're doing.....and you don't have any alternatives. Just
stopping doesn't sound like a reasonable alternative but just for now
not doing anything and being patient can work better than going crazy
from doing stuff that isn't working and stumbling around with unmet
needs.   Stop!!! Make a turn and try something new like believe that you
can change, it can change, changes will come if you work for them with
out expectations.

If you turn yourself over to the suggestions of others...people who have
been where you are at now (insane and fearful and angry and confused
and lonely and hopeless)and who followed the suggestions of yet others
who had been there also and changed themselves you will find help and that there is no situation to bad to be bettered or unhappiness to great
to be lessened.

Here is a repeat of a prior suggestion...find out where the face to face
meetings are in your area (Al-Anon is all over the world) and get there
with an open mind. Listen and then talk and then listen more and
practice what is suggested that worked for others. I have never seen
it done any other way and when I felt it was different for me, I swear to
God, I got crazier.

The solutions are not in what "he" is doing or not doing. The solutions
are in what you learn to do now.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

curlee-girl · Member

Your story is almost the same a mine. Even after 6 months in the program I have my struggles. I called EXABF at 4:00 am last week to rage and get answers. What I learned at F2F meetings was how to remove the focus from him and place it on myself. I have (slowly) learned to go from detachment w/anger to detachment w/kindness. I don't mean to sound judgmental but an A has some pretty odd thought processes that you're better off living w/out or being subjected to them. With Al Anon you have a healthier alternative to thinking about yourself and your life.

When the sh*t first hit the fan a very perceptive friend whose ex-husband who was a cocaine addict told me even before I know EXBF was an A that my HP has an answer and being on my own will be a good thing for me. Wow was she right. Hope this helps, keep coming back!

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

It's so hard to put what you know in your head into action when it's in contrast to what you feel in your heart. I remember the agony of this. All the feelings of guilt and obligation, all the strings he pulled to try to stay in my life. You have answered all of your own questions here, you know what you need to do it's just the doing that is hard. Nothing worth doing is easy! I had to stop communicating with my ex, sometimes I talk to him when I feel like it, on my terms, but I am at the point now that I don't feel the same any more, the pain is dulled and he can't inspire those feelings of joy and pain in me anymore. There was a long time of me not talking to him that led to me being able to detach like this. What worked for me... Always put up a front that you are not hurting/vulnerable when dealing with the A - appear strong even when you feel so weak inside. Determine what you are going to do and stick with it no matter how gut wrenching it is. Find a whole bunch of hobbies that take concentration and focus so that your mind doesn't have time to wander. Try something new every week. The pain will fade. Eventually it will just be a memory and you'll be off to new things. Feel it, get through it but never let him see it and eventually in the end you will truly feel what you have been projecting all along. I guess that's the essence of fake it until you make it hm?

JulieSDgirl · Member

I am also struggling with the why. But the truth is that the why only equals pain. I found that I need to stop seeking approval from someone who isn't in control. My ex spouse may be sober, but all the same behavior patterns exhist. Addictive behavior is painful. I became co-dependent. Something that was never in my vocabulary. I was always the independent, sarcastic, speak your mind type of kid. I need to find that spirit again. I am hoping that you find it in your heart to see how important your own happiness is. I too need to stop asking why. Good luck

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.