The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother died in Nov of 2006. She was a vicious nasty person to her children but was a good Christian woman to the outside world. She stopped drinking when I was 12 but never attended AA. The day she died my 82 yr old father moved in with me. He's had 6 strokes and cannot live alone. I quit my job as a school bus driver after a month because he was such a mess and couldn't be left alone. I have 8 siblings and for the first month they called & stopped by but then disappeared. Dad went back to his angry bully ways and took his frustrations out on my husband and children. We took to hiding in our rooms just to avoid him.
My dad spent like a drunken sailor after my mom died. My mom controlled the checkbook and without her around he pissed his money away. When he got bored which was 10 times a day; he would ask someone to take him out to eat, go shopping or whatever. After 8 months when his money was all gone he told my siblings I must have stolen his money or my children did. We're talking about less than $10,000 not millions. He moved in with my sister in July of 2007 and life has been much more peaceful in my home. At that time however my siblings went to the police and tried to have me arrested for stealing his money. Since then they have called child protective services on me, created a scene at a family wedding, etc. It came to a point where I now have restraining orders against 4 of my 8 siblings. The police and prosecutor told me these are baseless, toothless threats but they are still hurtful and were very traumatic for my husband and children. I made a few attempts to reconcile but was blind-sided by them yet again - I feel so stupid sometimes. Vicious lies and rumors aimed at my children were almost unbearable.
I'm doing a lot better now, got a better job, children and husband are doing better, but I still mourn the loss of these siblings. What the hell is wrong with me? Some of them are active addicts / alcoholics, and I know I'm better off having no contact with them. I'm on anti-depressants and have never had a substance abuse problem. I've had therapy and it was tremendously helpful. I sometimes feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop where they pull some other underhanded crap to lash out at me again. When does this cloud dissipate? Maybe it's just a matter of time. It will get better I suppose.
There might not be anything wrong with you except that you don't believe it! You might be suffering as the child of an alcoholic though and in need of some awareness from others Experiences, Strengths and Hopes. With out that you are left up to the same ole questiong over and over and over. "What's wrong with me?" If there is something that needs to be and can be changed in you, it can be found out here or in face to face meetings where we get to identify with the problem and hear the solution too. Adult Children of Alcoholics may be the safe place for you and there is a link here to get involved in solutions. Al-Anon can help also because the alcoholics and addicts we enable don't always have to be our spouses in order to qualify for membership.
It's fortunate that you got here. For now sit, listen and learn especially to the suggestions that others followed up on and found healing. From me to you some of these are; Find where and when the face to face meetings are in your area and get to as many as you can over the next 90 days. Listen, learn and practice what you hear that you relate to and which makes you feel hopeful. Get as much literature as you can and read it all...pamphlets and books. You will find no better source with the proper prospective as Al-Anon literature. It was all written by people who have been envolved and/or held captive by this disease. Learn the steps and traditions (all 12 of them) and also the slogans (live savers). Look around for someone who has really overcome the effects of addiction and ask them to help you along. Keep coming back there and here. You are not alone.
Just wanted to welcome you ((((((somethingsimple))))))) and share the following with you. I too am sad sometimes that my siblings are affected by the disease of our predecessors but they, like me, have the choice to make a different decision.
Welcome aboard, Maria
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge.On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark.We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain.Some drank; some used other drugs.Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior.Some of us obsessively focused on addicted peoples pain to distract us from our own pain.Many of us did both:We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.We did not know there was a bridge.We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky.Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time.We saw the bridge.People told us what was on the other side:Warmth, light, and healing from our pain.We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldnt listen.They couldnt see it; they couldnt believe.They were not ready for the journey.We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward.The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real.There was light, warmth, healing and love.The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done.No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge.Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right.Some will come; some will stay on the other side.The choice is not ours.
We can love them.We can wave to them.We can holler back and forth.We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us.But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.It is where we are meant to be.We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because anothers time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place.And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Todays reminder:I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing.I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that.I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed.I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
Source: "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie
-- Edited by Maria123 at 20:05, 2008-12-28
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I know what you mean by "mourning", I am mourning for what should have been, what could have been, and why, why why?
My AS has done everything he can do that will damage our family, told lies about our family and told them to people that he knew would spread gossip like wildfire through our community, but he didn't care. I have had to deal with the most hurtful things, that will never heal.
You just have to come to a place that you say "enough" there will always be something missing that you know you can't replace, but you have to put your family first, that is what I had to do. My husband and youngest son is my first concern, that doesn't mean I don't care or love my AS, it just means I keep him at arms length so that he can't get me by the throat again.
This is what I suggest that you do, put as much distance, emotionally and if need be put some physical distance between you and them. Some situtations are toxic and no matter how much wishing and wanting things to be different they can never be, we have to accept the unacceptable sometimes, this is where your HP becomes a comfort for you.
I know what you mean by "mourning", I am mourning for what should have been, what could have been, and why, why why?
My AS has done everything he can do that will damage our family, told lies about our family and told them to people that he knew would spread gossip like wildfire through our community, but he didn't care. I have had to deal with the most hurtful things, that will never heal.
You just have to come to a place that you say "enough" there will always be something missing that you know you can't replace, but you have to put your family first, that is what I had to do. My husband and youngest son is my first concern, that doesn't mean I don't care or love my AS, it just means I keep him at arms length so that he can't get me by the throat again.
This is what I suggest that you do, put as much distance, emotionally and if need be put some physical distance between you and them. Some situtations are toxic and no matter how much wishing and wanting things to be different they can never be, we have to accept the unacceptable sometimes, this is where your HP becomes a comfort for you.
Thank you Thank you. I am blessed to have some family members in recovery and they are a great source of comfort and strength to me. I do need to go to some face-to-face meetings. ACOA meetings sound like a great fit for me. I have heard of them before but went to Al-Anon instead a few times many years ago.
I don't think anything at all is wrong with you. Many of us who are codependent get deeply attached to horrible people. A friend of mine at the moment is having strokes all the time. I've told him to go to the doctor and he wont'. I keep my distance because I do not want to be accused as you were. He claims to have money but who cares he is not going to take it with him and I'm certainly not interested in any more drama in my l ife. I've had my fill of it. These days I see drama coming and I duck it. For some of us it takes a lifetime.
I have two siblings I don't talk to. There is nothing much to say. There is no hubris anymore from me. I don't pretend to have a relationship with them.
I am getting much much much better at avoiding people who are full of spite, malice and drama. I have to say its real hard work. To do that sometimes means being unpopular. For me it is often a mixture of having to bite my tongue. There is a saying in the rooms that after a while we intuitively start to do things that used to baffle us. For some of us that is boundaries. Of course being accused of baseless crimes hurts. When we look at certain people long and hard we've long had cues that they might have "issues". One of my issues is in feeling sorry for people or for doing for others what they need to do for themselves.
I am truly sorry your trying to take care of your father ended as it did. Nevertheless you are taking care of yourself. That is indeed a triumph. You do not need to beat yourself up because you are taking care of yourself. I grieve a lot that I got a mixed up crazy addicted family. The issue for me is that my mixed up addicted family is no longer affecting me daily in ways that it did in the past. Neither is my exA. There is grief and mourning and then there is a rebuilding. You will get there to the rebulding.
I went to my first ACOA meeting yesterday. It was a little bizarre since I could relate to pretty much every story in the room. There's another one in 4 days at another location so I'll check that one out also.
I can't say I felt entirely comfortable but that's the first step in trying something new isn't it!
