The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello to my favorite family. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I spent Christmas with my sister for half the day. I made waffles for them and then brought my 17 year old niece back with me. We spent the rest of the day playing with Pipers, cooking dinner, taking a walk. I even showed her this board. I have planted the Alanon seed and she seems very receptive to it. All in all it was a nice day. It was a bittersweet without my Tim, but I know he was with us.
I need your input. I can't figure out what is going on with me when it comes to dealing with Tim's best friend from rehab. This guy is a sweetheart. He is just as devastated as I am by Tim's passing. For some reason, the past month or so I really have not wanted to spend any time with him. He's clean and sober and been doing really well. He's a nice person, and he's always making sure that I'm okay. I know he misses Tim as much as I do. But for some reason I seem to be pushing him away.
I can't figure out if it's because at this time I see him as an addict who enabled Tim (and Tim enabled him), or I just don't want to deal with even a sober addict or something else. He's the one person I just seem to be pushing away. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll end up spending more time making sure he's okay. (I doubt that reasoning though.) I feel bad because I have not returned his phone calls as of late. I was busy with work and the holiday hours. Frankly I'm feeling like I just don't have the energy to deal with him. Why? Is it because of the memories? I just don't know.
I do know that my neighbor asked me to help her take care of her elderly mother when she's not around. Nothing huge: heating her dinner up, making sure she gets to bed, etc. I have pretty much decided that I'm not up for it. After all those years of taking care of Tim when he was so sick or after his surgery, I just want to focus on me. I would do it in heartbeat for Tim again, or another time if she asked me. I need time for me.
I also know that I'm not isolating myself. I have plans for brunch in a couple of weeks. Piper's Aunt T. is coming over today and we are going out for a bit. I have had a very relaxing weekend. I am coming out of the retail fog. I cooked Banana Bread this morning , did a bit of laundry and yesterday stayed in my jammies all day. Ahh..... and made a great big pot of mushroom/onion soup. Today after getting together with Aunt T. I'm coming back to watch football. GO EAGLES! Piper and I have finally gotten some serious play time together. I've been doing pretty darn good considering. I actually feel very serene at this place and time. It's just can't seem to get this monkey off of my back when it comes to dealing with his friend. I am puzzled by my reaction to him. I may be dwelling on this too much. I feel what I feel. Life on life's terms as Tim always told me.
Any thoughts as to what's going on in my addled brain, would be greatly appreciated. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Here in the NE it's suppose to get up to 60! In December? Talk about confused. Much love and blessings to all of you. Happy New Year!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 12:50, 2008-12-28
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sounds to me like you might be taking care of you this time around.
With pushing the other out for now, maybe this is the best you can do so that you deal with things in small doses right now. When it comes to death, there are also phases we go through naturally. We go through anger, depression, irritation, grief in general, until we reach a place of acceptance and finally new actions .. These are just natural emotions with or without alanon. Alanon just helps us to manage them more effectively.
With this being the case, I was just saying in a f2f last night how really the entire process of recovery is also a grieving process because to learn something new, we need to let go of something old. It's like a death to the old us.. Our ways of thinking and ourselves as we knew us .. The chaos through the change Always brings comfort however and we always find a better way of thinking and living afterward ..
At any rate, this doesn't necessarily sound bad to me, it sounds like it might be what you know is needed for you. The important thing is we remember to be kind and loving through all of our detaching ..
I think that as you get older and maybe have been a little codependent, you have ignored your needs and taken care of alot of people. I think that you are trusting your feelings and intuition. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't right. Instead of a flat no, I have been offering something much smaller then what they request. Like I can watch your mother once and that is all. And to the rehab friend, I won't be able to talk until next week and only for 10 minutes. I guess these are just boundaries to take care of ourselves.
I agree with the other responses. It sounds like you're putting yourself in as the priority and if feels weird. I can relate to this way of thinking/behaving as I don't really understand the times when I don't want to be certain people for no particular reason. It feels so unnatural and I wonder if I've stopped caring about them. When I check in with someone else in Al-Anon, I'm often reassured that I'm putting my own needs first and there's no reason to worry.
You also have added stress and grief in your life right now on top of the "normal" stress of caring for and loving someone with addiction. Sitting with our feelings and honoring boundaries when they arise for us often is helpful.
I'm sending you my support as you navigate through this difficult time. Know that, from this Al-Anon's perspective, you seem to be doing great :) Blessings to you and enjoy the weather (I'm in New England, too, Boston actually, and have enjoyed being outside today!).
It's okay...doesn't sound like a problem to me at least. You want what you want for you and are taking care of you and in that light it's okay to say no to other people, places and things that get in the way of your own wishes and desires. Practice saying NO! and staying open to your HP and the things you want to do that are really okay and good for you.
There's nothing wrong...believe it...just believe it.
Sounds like you are keeping it simple and first things first. I am so darn proud of you for saying no. That's such a huge step for us. You are not necessarily just saying no, you are merely saying "yes" to another portion of your life
As you know, I have often suggested How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfield and McWilliams. One of my favorite pages under the surviving portion talks about all forms of rest. The other side of the helpful suggestion page is where all different and related poems are. On the rest page poem side, it has [there is no poem on this page as the poet decided to take a nap]. That must be Pipers favorite page too
You are growing my friend, you are growing, way to go.
live strong friend, live strong, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Karilyn Sometimes there does not have to be a reason for you have to analyze your reactions, it is just simply good enough that you don't feel right about something and need space, time change.
Sometimes it is simply that you need to change things for YOU now, and put YOU first, and LIVE after looking after and being the carer of someone for so many years. You are experiencing the feeling of a new freedom.
Enjoy thinking about what YOU really want to do, you do NOT OWE anyone else anything. Yes, being a carer is a habit that is hard to change but hey, this time is all about you. You do not need to feel uncomfortable about that, you simply need to say:
"I hope you do not feel offended, but I need time and space for me now. I need to do the things I have not been able to do, I need the freedom to be me and do things for me right now. I need to stop being a carer and I need to find space to process my NEW situation and how I feel about my life and what I want from it at this time. So I hope you will understand this enough to give me that space and time and not ask me to do for you at this time. It is not that I do not want to do it, I just know it is not right for me to do it at this time."
And as for your dear friend, tell him you just need time and space to work out what is right for you, and to adjust to your new situation and what that means for you at this time. Wish him well, and ask that he will honour this for the time being and say, you will be in touch when you feel that the time is right, you just need space right now.
Karilyn, you are not addled, you are in a changing situation and sometimes, the season has passed and the season changes and one moves on. That also may be a possibility.
Take care sweet Karilyn...I may not have been around posting for some time, but you have remained in my thoughts and prayers.
Love Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Sounds lke great great boundaries. I am so proud of you. I am so shot with taking care of everyone in the whole world. One day I may be up for more but right now its that I have to take care of "me".
, did a bit of laundry and yesterday stayed in my jammies all day. Ahh.....
and made a great big pot of mushroom/onion soup. Today after getting together with Aunt T. I'm coming back to watch football. GO EAGLES! 
Piper and I have finally gotten some serious play time together. I've been doing pretty darn good considering. I actually feel very serene at this place and time. It's just can't seem to get this monkey off of my back when it comes to dealing with his friend. I am puzzled by my reaction to him. 
