The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend's dad was admitted to the hospital right before Christmas, and was diagnosed with HRS (cirrhosis, followed by acetis and kidney failure). The hospital won't treat him now as they feel there is nothing that can be done, and have given him 2-5 more days to live.
My boyfriend is 36 and has lived with his father for most of his life, including up until now.
I don't know how to help my boyfriend. His father is a very mean spirited man, who has done nothing but degrade and insult my boyfriend (we've been together 8 years). He has caused nothing but misery, they fight a lot, he's threatened to disown his son many times. It has not been pretty. He's not necessarily a bad man, he has been supportive of his son in ways, but he's far from father of the year.
Now that he is about to die, my b/f is completely losing it. It's as if he is now putting his dad on a pedastal, romanticizing their relationship in to something it wasn't. So far I've just listened. He compares this to losing a spouse.
I guess I really don't get it. It's hard when I don't have that much sympathy for a man that has drunk himself to death, with no regard to the two sons that he is leaving behind. How can I support my b/f when I do not agree with how he is vizualizing their relationship. I find myself rolling my eyes, and biting my tongue.
I feel bad for my b/f's pain, but it seems so misplaced to me.
I probably sound so cold, but I really need to know how I can help my b/f when I feel the way I do. I just want to shake him back to reality. He's even talked of "not making it through his father's death". He says he will be completely alone after he dies. Can you all help me figure out a better way to maybe view this so I can be more supportive?
Thanks so much for reading this. I really do want to help him.
when my bf lost his best friend to drugs (that's what everyone believed happened, noone knows for sure) I was there for him by just listening to him. I can understand you are upset. I think you don't have to agree with how he visualizes their relationship but knowing you are there for him might help a lot.
My cousin just lost his wife on christmas day and I can not imagine how hard it must be to lose a wife and for their children to lose their mother. In my opinion it doesn't matter what desease it is that someone dies from. They are still loved and missed.
His feelings are his feelings. He is in so much pain and you can't take that pain away from him wether his father was what he should have been in your opinion or not. Please don't take this wrong. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I suspect your boy friend is more upset that the relationship isn't healed and he is loosing his dad . Adult children look for approval from the parent that can't give it , disease won't allow it . no matter how volitile - he is his father and blood is thicker than water. Just hug bf accept where he is at and take care of yourself . having compassion for the suffering alcoholic goes along way at this stage of his disease he feels he has lost the power of choice does not see that he can live with out it . grieving takes time and may diff forms just allow things to unfold the way they should . Louise
Welcome to the MIP family. I think Abbyal said it best. There's no real resolution to his feelings. I think one of the best things you can do for your boyfriend is to learn as much as you can about this disease. It probably wouldn't hurt you to attend some local face to face Alanon meetings. You've been affected by this disease too because you've had to live with this disease as well, maybe not as much as your boyfriend's. It may also help your boyfriend if he sees you going. You may be able to plant the seed when he's ready. Hold him tight, tell him you love him. Love and blessings to you and your family. I wish you a peaceful New Year.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
They tell us to detach with love in Alanon. The disease of alcoholism is taking him and they tell us to separate the man from the disease. Hard I know. Try to separate the issues. With inlaws I help alot (even when I have bad feelings). Wash the dishes, bring them coffee, go gas up the car, etc.
Your story brings back very contrasted memories and will probably do the same for alot of the members here.
I have a suggestion? Look up the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. Look in the white pages of your phone book. When you find the number call it and get the times and place for the family group meetings. Suggest to your boyfriend that you take in some meetings right away.
He could also ask the doctors if there are any recovering alcoholics who make hospital calls. There might be someone to come visit his father.
Following up on these suggestions could change things alot.
Welcome. I can only give you my ESH. My mother who was awful (and that's an understatement) died a few years ago. I was pretty upset at the time. There were people around me who felt like you do why be upset and that hurt me. I know for me certainly I needed to have people who were capable of allowing me to grieve and there was grief there. I can certainly understand their feelings but no one can tell you how to feel or what to do in grief. Grief takes its course.
Dying of cirrhosis is a horrible way to go. There is a lot of pain and agony and discomfort. I know it is not an easy death and I'm sure it is hard to be around it. Not too many alctive alcoholics die with dignity a lot of them go out the way they've lived their lives. In fact there's a doctor in San francisco who has become famous from his quote "we die as we live".
As a codependent making space for someone else's feeling is a tough one. The Ex A who I was invovled with had a very very self absorbed mother (narcissism would be a compliment to describe her). When she was 68 suddenly out of the blue she married someone she'd just met (well she knew him 50 years before) and moved 3 states. Needless to say the A who I was with was totally floored. I can't say I was that sympathetic of his feelings and I certainly had my own to contend with because I never really got along with her ( I believe she's an alcoholic too). I don't think I in retrospect had any room at all for his feelings or his sense of desolation at being abandoned even though he was a grown man.
Making space for someone else is hard going as a codependent. I think for me I want to make it all all right. These days simply getting out of the way is even hard for me to do. I want to be Mother Teresa, head cook and bottle washer all the time. I don't need to be I simply need to take care of me.
Of course you yourself are going to have lots of feelings about this man's death. My only suggestion is that you not share them at this juncture with the A (even if he is in recovery) go somewhere else like here and talk about them. I should really have done that about the ex A's mother. I didn't and I'm sure it did nothing to contribute to our relaitonship. Keeping my mouth shut, keeping my side of the street clean was always pretty hard for me to do I was always far too concerned with other people's business and not my own.
