The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this Website but not new to alanon. I have been a member for 5 years and have a wonderful sponsor who is now dealing with some difficult issues and, therefore, isn't able to connect with me as much these days.
I am not sure where I will go from here but when the time is right I'm sure I'll be led to the right place.
I am a mom of 2 beautiful girls, the youngest of which is 5 ..
I am also facing the possibility of advanced breast cancer and am doing my best to Admit my powerlessness through continuing to turn it over to my hp and to all of you. This is a very difficult time as for about a month now, i have been fighting staying stuck in fear. My first doctor told me it was a muscle.. My nurse mentioned it felt much like a lump ..
It's true fear is part of life but another just pointed out fear also stands for Face Everything and Recover. So here I am turning to face the truth of this very real possibility.
The hardest part of all is being willing to go to any lengths to receive my recovery, which includes Admitting the shame of a self harming life style for years in the past .. Ironically, smoking was one of my survival skills and coping mechanisms. The best I can do for now is Admit these very harmful choices i made in my past and turn them over in the hope of healing.
I am young in my early 40's and have much to live for .. now .. I did lose a sister to cancer at age 44.
I'm not sure in all honesty i am not sure i can forgive myself at this point but turning it over is the first step. The fear in this is my negativity through making the doctors basically my higher powers in my mind when the truth is the doctors also have a higher power.. they are Not God .. the outcome is his alone. I also struggle with the idea of asking for and receiving healing when so many suffer the same .. why do i deserve what the others did not receive, yet i know we have a program of hope and healing .. mind, body, spirit.
I just cannot imagine saying goodbye to my children should this be the case, i love them so much and have made so many many mistakes in my life.. i spent my entire life praying for some sort of healing and years in church with my youngest.. Later on in life i made my way to alanon where my First reading was .. Courage is Fear that has said it's prayers .. I know i shouldn't mention the church, please forgive me; i really believe they are missing the steps and I hope someday to find balance between both ..
Some of you may think i'm drama because Gods honest truth ? I have not been diagnosed yet. I am going Solely on awarenesses leading to preparations and the fact the lump is hard and underneath my armpit .. I have spent hours on an internet search and am struggling to find the Courage to Admit my powerlessness and go to the doctor..
I am in the future, yes but with my awarenesses i'm worried as I clearly hear my higher power talking to me .. I have also Never heard of a hard lump under the armpit which does Not hurt Nor move being anything but cancer ..
If any of you have ever experienced a similar situation and can share esh, Please do so with me as I need you.
To not post this for fear of what others might think, or the possibility of not being responded to, or how this might read regardless is Still to risk robbing myself of my much needed recovery ..
If it turns out to be nothing, praise my hp .. I will be the first to admit my hypochodriacism as being a defect of character ..
This is a world wide Fellowship and I believe if we are true alanon members, we are family .. Please pray for me as i have much faith in alanon prayers and miracles ..
First I want to welcome you to MIP. I know you will soon see that there are many people here that can offer you ESH. We will happily offer you as much as we can in the absence of your day to day sponsor, or even in addition to your day to day sponsor.
I'm sorry to say that I don't have any ESH regarding the risk of breast cancer, but I can understand the fear you feel. The only experience I can offer that may (or may not) be of help is that I once found a lump in my neck. The day I found it was on Sept. 11th, 2001, when I was stuck in a hotel room in NYC wondering if the world was ending. For a while, all I did was google every conceivable disease it could possibly be, but didnt go to a doctor because I was fearful of what it might truly be. Can you believe that I left it two years before I took action and went to see my doctor? It grew slowly over that time and eventually I realized that my fear might be putting me at more risk the longer I waited. The doctor removed it and it turned out to be benign. However he chided me for taking so long to show up. They could have taken action so much sooner.
In your post you say "I have spent hours on an internet search and am struggling to find the Courage to Admit my powerlessness and go to the doctor.. ". This makes me think about the three A's - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. You do have the power over your own actions and I hope you swiftly take the action needed to give you and your HP the strongest chance of the best outcome - this is the ultimate form of taking care of yourself.
I will remember you in my prayers tonight, and pray that you can overcome your fear so that you can draw on the great skills and ability of the medical profession.
Welcome to this board! I had a strong feeling you have been rooted in al-anon for a while when I read some of your posts to others. You will be a gift to us (already are) and I am so glad you are here.
I have two good friends, both in their early 40's, neither who smoked, who went through breast cancer treatment over the past 5 years, and survived. Both are healthy and happy now, with a little more diligence to their lifestyle and a new appreciation for the medical community and God.
Smoking (directly or second-hand), pesticides, stress, using plastic, not exercising, being overweight, and on and on, give the majority of us "reason" to get ill. Please be gentle with yourself. You may or may not have cancer, but you owe it to yourself and your precious little girls to get yourself to the doctor so you can get some relief either by finding out it is nothing, or coming up with a game plan. I hope you are able to do it soon.
I like your definition of fear - Face Everything And Recover. Very cool.
Keep coming back, Hope. I will pray for you.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
One of my moments of deep fear and desperation was lying down in the middle of a dark road with my ankle broken and my leg tangled in the chain of my motor cycle. Help came when I admitted out loud to myself that I was afraid and then turned myself and the entire event over to what or whom ever was out there who might help. The entire process up until now was a miracle to all envolved and I'm no longer afraid.
The prayer starts, "Abandon your self to God as your understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows..."
It's never too early to start the process. We're here to help.
Thanks to everyone who responded here to me, it's hard to accept it but this morning as i was typing another email to an alanon friend, the thought occurred to me .. no feeling .. just truth .. who better to leave the results to than my higher power because this is where they truly lay .. for me i recognise my hp as God yet respect entirely everyone's personal higher power as this is how this program works.. I hope it's ok for me to say this as i would never bring it further nor push my own beliefs .. etc..
There are times i wish i really could just take what i personally like and leave the rest but this isn't always the case.. Sometimes we're forced to take what's given as in a case such as this one .. I appreciate the encouragement of the fellowship and truly recognize how blessed we are to have found eachother ..
I'll keep coming back and i'll post my results while remembering 'we will get through them together .. i know i alone can do nothing but we together with hp can do everything ..
thanks so much for welcoming me .. (((( hugs )))) received and returned to all who need them ..
-- Edited by hope for me n you at 12:47, 2008-12-29
