The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to a meeting yesterday and one of the people there said that there was nothing he would want for Christmas. What a different story it was for me. I had to look at my powerhouse of resentment up there, where's my....coat, apartment, job, friends, food, pressies... all totally destroying me.
Today I am in such a different frame of mind. I am no longer irritable, I am no longer impatient for the holiday to be over. I am no longer wishing myself away. I am in so much better a place with resentment.
Today a friend of mine told me that he had had a stroke. I can see his left side all askew. I noticed he was totally off the last couple of days. I've offered to go to the hospital with him. I offered to be there if he went to the hospital, take care of things. He absolutely refuses. I know that death is imminent for him. You can't walk around with a stroke and not take care of it. For me the issue is that I'm totally at peace that I've done my bit, urged and urged him to go to the hospital, expressed my concern. I am not, as I would always be, feeling over responsible. I told him he is an adult and can make his own decisions. He's choosing not to take care of himself so I'm backing off. There is no way on earth without a program I would be able to just let go. Now its in God's hands. I know I am taking care of myself. I'm no longer up for taking care of everyone but msyelf.
I expect the phone call saying he has either been taken to the hospital or died. I'm willing to let go. I'm also willing to look at that for once I'm not in that place, as he is, wanting simply to die because life is too hard going.
I hope you all have a merry Christmas. I will celebrate my holiday regardless. My dogs are well. I am well. I am going to lots of meetings. That is my present to myself these days.
I will not be on the internet for a few days not because I don't want to check in but face to face meetings seem to be what I need at the moment most of all.
I'm be back on at the end of the week and will check in with you all then.
Until then know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
The issue for me is to hold onto my boundaries no matter what. I have set up huge boundaries with the friend who isn't taking care of himself. He has resources. He doesn't use them. I am no longer willing to go there in being the caretaker for someone who has resources. That is where I have always gone wrong. I have never paid minute attention to the boundaries.
