The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find when I'm playing my saxophone, that I tend to make the same mistakes in the same places in the music. Over and over. In the same way. Now I can see making a mistake the first few times through unfamiliar music, especially when things get a little fast and furious. But when I make the exact same mistake every time, then I'm doing what my music teacher mother calls "practicing the mistake". By doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, I'm only reinforcing the incorrect procedure even more deeply. Even if I anticipate it... sometimes the anticipation seals the deal... "here it comes don't screw up don't screw up don't screw up... awww!! I screwed up!" Or in the rare case I don't screw up, I'm so busy patting myself on the back that I proceed to screw up the next thing, and then everything after it!
This is a really, really hard thing to deal with. I'm obsessive and when I screw something up, I tend to really pound on it and often dig myself deeper.
The analogy here is... my behavior in real life situations. I have pre-programmed reactions to certain things I encounter. Each time I react the old way, I reinforce the behavior AND tell myself I just can't do any better, I did it again, I'll never change, etc.
Well for music, the only thing - and I mean the ONLY thing that works for me is to S L O W D O W N. I have to *force* myself to slow down the piece of music that I'm having trouble with, until I can play it perfectly. Not once... many times. Only then do I speed it up.... just a little... a little at a time. I know anybody who knows me and how I play (including my teacher!) know I don't practice what I preach... LOL. It's HARD WORK that's why. I have to not just practice obsessively, I have to slow down and do it by the book, even if it's 1/10 the speed. And not thing just because I nailed it once that I'll nail it for all time.
How can I apply this to my life, to my program? I encounter difficult situations every day. Somebody getting in my face... slow traffic... people being unreasonable. Just plain pissing me off! My practiced behavior is to make an ass of myself... at that, I'm an expert and well versed. I also know that no matter how wrong the other person may be in attacking me, that by the time I'm done with my verbal kung-fu, I'll look even worse and my enemy will look like a victim!
S L O W D O W N.... very few situations in life require instantaneous response. Most things aren't the truck coming head-on at you, sometimes it's just an off-course dung beetle going HONK HONK.
I have to practice doing things differently. There's no time like the present. Life is too short for me to have one more well-rehearsed, screwed up time through the music. It's worth taking the time to slow it down, practice doing it... maybe even consider the Golden Rule, maybe - strange as it may seem - slow down long enough to see the other person's point of view.
This isn't coming from someone who has this all down. I don't do it well most of the time, but I do know what I need to do. It IS HARD WORK. But nothing worth doing is really ever easy.
Dang! You are an excellent writer! Ever consider writing professionally? Let me know if you do and when your first book is published!! I'd stand in line for it.
"verbal kung-fu" you crack me up! I've done some of that myself.
Thanks for your thoughts. It applies to all of us.
Gail (AKA - Stormie)
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thank you for this share it is immensely helpful. I'm wanting to rush at life and I need to take a huge break at the moment and savor me and my animals and have a rest.
Dang! You are an excellent writer! Ever consider writing professionally? Let me know if you do and when your first book is published!! I'd stand in line for it.
"verbal kung-fu" you crack me up! I've done some of that myself.
Thanks... years of writing in online forums will hone skills nicely. I remember when I took the SAT in high school, my math score was a lot higher than my verbal score. I suspect my verbal score would be better today and my math score a lot worse!!
The problem with writing a book is... I don't know what it could be about that's of any significance. I could certainly write a lot of anecdotes but would have trouble tying it all together. As for the kung-fu, that's an on-line survival skill too. I'm probably better at the keyboard than in person. In person, I have to deal with intimidation factors, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.
At any rate, some stuff I learned in English comp classes finally sunk in later in my adulthood - I try not to ramble as much, even if I think it's part of my point. Because I'll never get my point across if people give up reading before they get to it....
Yes - slow down. I also like to add "awareness" - sometimes I don't even hear the wrong notes - or if I do I just move past it without acknowledging my mistake - to get to the end.
(Un)fortunately I hear every wrong note. I guess that's one reason I dislike a lot of so-called "neoclassical" music, because it's sounds just as bad when you play it right as when you play it wrong
One thing that becomes engrained in me is the correction - my fingers will habitually go to the wrong note, but before it sounds I'll correct it. Thus it's like a stutter - I may play the right note, but the oops-fix becomes part of the routine, making it 3x more difficult than it should be. It's sort of like knowing I have to make a left turn, but finding myself in the right lane and having to cut over at the last minute. Doing the same thing every day, in the same spot. It takes a willingness to break habit, as well as awareness ahead of the normal place, to change the behavior.
I didn't know there was a name for it - practice the mistakes. I did that over and over again on piano. Thing is I didn't want to play the piano; my mom lived thru me. I never got over the mistakes. Thanks for the insight. I am learning in recovery to do it differently.
I was recently sharing with someone about a situation I had and she hit the nail on the head when she told me "Maria, HP keeps teaching me the lesson until I learn them."
I am glad I am perfectly imperfect because then I get the opportunity to keep growing.
Thanks for sharing, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
