The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As someone helpfully suggested in an earlier post, I am trying to think about my 21-year-old son as a man and not my baby. My husband (his SF) refuses to let him back in the house even to visit. My son went to court on Thursday and didn't do what the judge ordered on Friday. I am not sure he'll follow through with the probation and outpatient treatment at all and the way he is going, he could be in jail for Christmas. My heart aches, but I am grateful he has a free roof over his head temporarily. He has lost his car, phone, has no job, and just a few clothes and groceries to last a week. Not only is alcohol a problem but drugs and possibly bipolar for which he is court-mandated to seek treatment but has not yet. Just Friday when he broke in here and I found him impaired on the couch with a cut near the wrist, I called 911, but at the hospital they determined he was not suicidal. It has been a nightmare. I had the key to open up tonight's hall for our Al-Anon meeting, but it's a blizzard here and a few of us decided to cancel. Thank God for this board. I am talking to my HP as another poster has suggested and I keep picturing him wrapping his arms around my son. I admit my complete powerlessness. My son's dad just emailed and said if our son is still in the area, he can spend Christmas with them. that makes me feel a little better. I can not believe what seems to be a bottomless bottom for my AS, but my dear Al=Anon fiends say to continue to have hope and he was sober in the summer so it can happen again. I just feel with all that he has lost and the myriad of court cases and possible jail time, he may feel it's impossible to regain normalcy. I have to get that out of my head. With a HP, all things are possible.
Trinia, Yes all things are possible. Never give up hope. I have heard of many miracles in the programs. Future triping, doomsday thinking, and thinking we can/must save them, are a part of our diseased thinking. Remember that. We cannot see the future or know where someone elses bottom lies. Work the steps, keep touch with your sponsor, and you will gain faith in the ability of others to get help when they are ready. Help is realily available as soon as he is ready, and when he IS ready you couldn't stop him. We do not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it.
Stay on your own path and allow him the dignity to find his. That is unconditional love.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Trinia, I have walked in your shoes and I didn't like them much either. You know sometimes I think if we could all get this "Norman Rockwell Christmas" idea out of our minds we might have a chance of finding things are ok just the way they are.
When I realized I had been treating my 37yo son as though he was 15 is when I knew somebody had to get some help and the only one I could accomplish that for was me. I also had to take a long hard look at exactly what was my business and what I was responsible for fixing. That meant not calling him to find out if he had paid his rent, his utilities, shown up for court dates and on and on and on. These were all none of my business and if he got kicked out of his place, or his utilities cut off or he landed in jail for non compliance then that was his business not mine. Did it hurt? HECK YES it hurt because I raised him to own up to his responsibilities and take care of them. His not doing so made me feel like I had failed. Eventually I realized that I had done the very best I could with the tools I had to work with at the time. Maybe I didn't do it all right but I did the best I could and that is all anyone can ask of me. If I give my son that same consideration then his dark days don't have to seem so dark in my eyes.
When my son broke into my house and stole my medications and jewelry I called the police and filed charges and stuck to it. I also changed all of the locks on the house and nobody outside of hubby and I now have a key to our home. If my son comes for the weekend to spend time with his daughter the meds are hidden and if he goes out and will be back later then he is either given a garage door opener or the patio door is left unlocked. No keys will be given to him ever again. We have to do what we can to protect ourselves and they have to do what they feel is best for them. However, what they do does not have to make our lives caos unless we want them to.
Hang in there, continue to attend as many meetings as possible, stay in close contact with your sponsor and take care of yourself. Christmas is only one day out of 365 and it too shall pass.
In recovery Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Hi Trinia I relate with your heartache. I have three adult children, two are alcoholics,my first born son with some BP when he is stressed and drinks too much and frequently.Mylast born and daughter now under house arrest until she gets a bed for another rehab, she spent 5 mths in rehab this year came out and drank. Her alcoholism makes her non functioning, the last 5 yrs have seen more detoxes then we can count.She has lost everything. I have been in alanon 6yrs.5 of which I went 3 times a week, this past yr I have backed off but I'd like you to know how much it saved my sanity it was usualy the only peaceful hours of my existance, back then I only existed.I now have a life, I also keep hope and trust in my HP, God Bless you, no your not alone,stay with the program, you will get better (((((hugs)))) to you
