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This has come up a few times recently. Why do they (fill in the blank)? Why can't they promise they will stop for their family? I don't know the answers for others, but for those that have those questions here is what I DO know.
Alcohol is so powerful that eventually the body literally becomes dependant on alcohol to function. At some point it is very much like having a disease like Parkinsons and using meds that stop the symptoms. Take those meds away and the body is physically out of control.
I don't know where that line is with an alcoholic. The line between only having the shakes or having a seizure and dying. Even the A doesn't know where that line is or what will happen when he attempts to "just stop". Yet, they are expected to "just stop" on a daily basis by people that claim to love them.
I have to say, it really bothers me. Why? Because alcoholics have died attempting to keep a promise that someone else manipulated them in to.
My own husband started out with the shakes after not drinking due to bronchitis. He was in bed shaking and feverish for 24 hrs. At 36 hrs. I could see this wasn't just bronchitis. He was hallucinating, shaking, sweating and vomiting. At that point we went to the ER. The hallucinating became extreme and he was knocking on Heaven's door in renal failure (kidneys, liver shutting down). He also aspirated vomit and got pneumonia on top of it all. At that point their IV drugs weren't doing anything to calm him. It was awful and I watched him suffer beyond what any human should for 3 solid days. His Dr. said there is absolutely no doubt he would be dead if we would have waited any longer.
There was a true story on one of the medical shows, Dr. G, I think. A newly divorced A had come in to some money and asked his x-wife to go on a cruise with him. She said "only if you promise not to drink". He said O.K. He stuck to his word and didn't drink. He was found dead in the bathtub on the ship. He had a seizure and heart attack.
I can't imagine the fear that the onslaught of these symptoms cause to an A. I DO know for many that it is the reason that they don't or can't "just stop".
I cannot tell you the guilt I had for ever asking him to "just stop". I might as well have said "just promise to die for me." I had no idea of the hell he would have to go through. I don't know what was different this time, I assume the progression of the disease. It took 4 months for him to recover mentally and physically. He lost 40 lbs. and was dillusional. Luckily he was a salaried employee or things would have been even worse.
I just needed to get that out. I feel better now.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy, I understand that it is hard for some to see alocholism as a disease. I personally have no problem seeing it as a disease. Al-Anon and reading all the information I could get my hands on made the difference for me. Reading your post only makes me realize it even more. At some point they do not have any control over their drinking, at that point alcohol is in total control. It replaces spouces, children, friends, work, finances, health, their entire future, everything they have ever worked for or held dear as #1 in their life. Think about it, when someone is willing to give up all that and more, it "might not" be a disease, call it what you like, but please tell me one damn thing that has more power or can cause as many problems as alcohol?
I have a good life because of Al-Anon, and I could have a great life were it not for alcohol.
I turned my AW over to my HP several months ago, but you know the way we "earthlings" think, we would always like him to handle, solve and cure, our problem in our time frame rather than his.
I never thought about it like that, I have heard the stories but none from someone I knew. My A was a binge drinker and a heroin addict. It took me a long time to stop blaming him for not making my life right...the way I wanted it!!!
This really highlights the central theme of this program, that it has to be about us, not about them. What am I as a person capable of tolerating? Some of us have had spouses who abused us and treated us awfully, some of us have maintenance drinkers who are still functional other than that one little thing - the alcoholism or addiction. We are the ones who choose how we let it affect us. Our choices are all so individual because of our circumstances. If I had not been working, my choices would have been much different. If I had not had three children, my choices may have been different. We are each in a unique situation that no one else can dictate the solution to.
I think being with anyone with an expectation that they will change is unreasonable. Love me or leave me is my motto. When I think about how I would feel if someone expected me to be someone different for them than I really am it makes me feel angry. I am what I am, take me or leave me. What I am today is definitely not what I was 10 years ago which is not what I was 5 years ago, which is not what I was last year. We all change, for better or worse, and we have to deal with what we are RIGHT NOW not the memories of what was or the hope of what might be.
Being analytical I thought early on that the information I was getting in my meetings was too sketchey and full of hole so I eventually went to college (literally) on the disease so that I could reach guru status and have the real info on the rest of you. I graduated with the awareness that all I needed to do was accept (theres that "a" word again) what I was being told in program thru the shares and literature and my sponsor. college put the exclamation point on the CUNNING, POWERFUL AND BAFFLING and all the sharing was the real story. After 9 years here with family members I had the blessing to have my own assessment done after getting some info from HP and that led me into AA, a major part of my 2nd step.
Why didn't I stop once I started? I never had control and I never knew that I had a problem. In fact I thought everyone else had a problem and I didn't. Even my family told me that I wasn't an alcoholic because I never went down (the times I did I was alone and it had a firm hold on my life) like everyone else. Once I started...from the very first sip...It owned me not the other way around and I drank because it was still there. Of all the useful things I learned in college almost all of it was info my HP was letting me have about me for later, the time of assessment. I did find out that there are alcoholics and addicts who are chemically tollerant, who are constructed a bit different than others. They can consume alot of chemicals without seemingly being affected but they still are being just as affected only it's not showing like the other models. I am one of those. Because of that I am watchful regarding all meds and alcohol products and I am grateful that I am no longer the yellowish green color I used to be. My dear mother didn't have an affair with an oriental and there for...me.
How gut-wrenching that must have been for you. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I, for one, did not consider that my A could possibly experience such severe consequences. As much as tries my patience, I truly don't wish that kind of trauma on him or anyone else, for that matter. I guess it just goes to show us that the best thing we can do is just turn them over to their HP.
Very powerful share Cujo. Explains things real well. I remember them days with you, that phone call in the wee hours "Christy? Who? Ohhhh... Cjo... what's up? What?!?..." haha... yup, will never forget that. Am so glad things worked out as they did. Love you bunches!!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
