The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Married for 14 years. When we met we were each coming out of a divorce. We were not young at that time, but were going through sort of a rebellious stage I guess ou could say. In other words, we were both partying. My habits were temporary - and I assumed his would be under the circumstances - but they were not. He gradually got worse. During the first 8 years of our marriage we lived away from our home town. Things seemed to be ok. He did drink alot, but the "incidences" were few, so I just put up with it. Then, 6 years ago we moved back to our home town. My AH is in to music and is in a band here. In April of 06 his band had an opportunity to open up for a major rock band that played a concert here in town. Well, that is all it took for him to take his partying to a new level. With the ego boost he went straight through the roof with his band habits. He hooked up with this group of people that worshipped his band of course and it has never been the same since. They all partied together most nights for 2 solid years. I could go on and on about specific things he did, said, etc but I'm sure you could all imagine. Very hurtful verbal abuse, staying out all night, threatening to cheat (don't think he ever did, who knows), many many drunken rages etc, etc. Bought a motorcycle behind my back. Rode it drunk continuously. Miracle he is alive and not in jail.
Anyway, I tried al alnon while we lived away and didn't get what I needed. Then, a few months ago I tried going again here in town - same. I believe I have been a member on this site before - can't remember - I have joined many looking for answers and advice.
What frustrates me is that I can't seem to get straight forward advice. I know that al-anon doesn't seem to think that giving advice is helpful, but that is really what I need. I have confided in my sisters and my 21 year old son, but I need an outside opinion from someone who has been there.
Right now my AH is staying at a property that we both own. I call it separated. We have tried this before. He supposedly had quit drinking - since April of this year. But, started slipping and then dove head in to smoking pot. He smoked with 2 contractors that came to our house in one week. The plumber and a guy that gave us a quote to put in a replacement window. Imagine that. For a solid week I would come home from work and he would bne stoned out of his mind. He would say "get used to it - I'm in the music business - this is what we do" blah blah. Then last Tues. it escalated to him leaving and meeting is own son (we have one each from our first marriages) and he didn't come home until 2 AM. Found out later that he called one of my sisters drunk and told her he should be with her instead of me. I can get no help whatsoever from any of his friends or family. NONE. His friends and his son all think he doesn't have a problem. He mom, dad and sister all think he is a loser and have made comments to my face in front of him indicating that they don't know what they would do if I was not in his life to keep him out of trouble.
I was prepared for divorce. I closed out 2 of our checking accounts and one of our savings accounts (leaving him his business accounts - I work so I thought that was fair) and I removed myself from his cell phone plan and got my own plan. It was wonderful him not texting and calling me for a few days. Then, I agreed to meet him. What I truly wanted is for him to step up and say he will get help. I told him that there is only 1 alternative to divorce. Hoping that he would offer to get help, but I think he thought I already had my mind made up and he was prepared for me to say this was it. It bothers me a great deal that he assumed that was the only choice we had. I guess that is typicle though?? I had to pull it out of him that I would accept a last ditch effort on his part to get help. I gave him all of his business bills to take care of paying. I have always done that for him - no more. He is struggling with it and has emailed me a few times needing help. I think it's good for him. Also, his birthday was yesterday. He asked me to go out to eat with him, his mom, his son, and his son's girlfriend. I told him to find out from someone that had experience in this situation to ask them if they thought it was a good idea for me to go. He has a friend in AA so I thought he would call him. He didn't, so I didn't go. I truly want to work this out and I believe that he does too. It just seems like he is lost when he trys to figure things out on his own. He needs humbling. I can;'t help him anymore. I want to "be there for him" but I don't want to be all up in it, youknow?? I want to always do the right thing. There is much much more to this story. Other broken relationships between him and my son - him and my sister,etc. I told him these relationships must be healed and he had to do take steps to do that. Also, his non-supporting family needs to be supporting. I don't mean financially, I mean they need to comfort him like families do in times of need. That iswhat my familydoes. I have the most wonderful family inthe world.
Thank you for sharing your story. Many of us have similar situations at one time or another. I am so sory that you have this to go through.
You are right that in Al-Anon we try not to give direct advice. We are not professionals. We believe that nobody knows your situation like you do. We believe we can help you to learn how to find your own unique answers the same way we were helped. I personally had gotten to the point of not trusting my own ability to make decisions, evaluate if I was being told the truth, etc. I have learned how to trust my instincts, and look at what people do not what they say. In fact that was one of the few pieces of direct advice that I got from people on this board, look at what he does not what he says, period.
There are some things that we do recomend. Get to as many meetings as you can. Read about alcoholism and its affects on the alcoholic and the rest of the family. Get a daily reader (One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, Courage To Change, Hope For Today). Read it every day. It takes time to start to understand this program, so don't give up. One of my favorite pamphlets that you can find at a face2face meeting is Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism.
Another thing from my personal experience is that alcoholism is an addiction just as any other drug. My AH's drug of choice was meth. Alcohol and pot were also a factor, but as far as I can tell it would not have mattered what the addiction. A's often spend months or years just trading one addiction for another, alcohol to pot to gamblingto whatever. It's really all the same.
Anyway, I didn't really mean to write you a book, but I hope something I have said helps. Remember you can always take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
the non-supportive family...sounds alot like mine. i doubt any help would come from there anytime soon. my own family, the adults, i mean, just wait for a member to screw up and then descend on that unfortunate person like carrion birds and tear them to pieces. they delight in other peoples' mistakes. takes attention away from what they think are their own flaws.
i spent a great deal of my life, from childhood up, telling various members when they tried to pull that on me, "yes, i AM the antichrist. now leave me alone.".
because they stop trying to tell me what a loser they think i am when i say that.
as for the alcoholic, i wouldn't help him at all.
my own little alcoholic, i squeezed him out 20 years ago, and i won't do a thing for him anymore.
there's nothing up that road but ingratitude and blame...for like, decades.
why sentence yourself to that?
__________________
Sell 'Crazy' somewhere else...we're all full up here."
Yes, similar story here. My ex isn't a rock star but I bet he would tell you he was...just the kinda liar her was.
Anyway, what is the question you are looking for advice for? How to go, how to stay?
No one around here can read minds or know what you and your AH will want out of life. Only you can make these decisions. This is a great program that will teach you how to make your own decisions and recognise your choices.
We don't give advice. For good reason. I am nobodys HP. I can only tell you what I did and what worked for me.
I stayed and tried everything I could think of to stay married. I finally, after years of soulsearching decided I had to get out.
When I started al anon, I wanted to find someone to tell me how to fix the mess I was in and how to get my A to stop drinking. He couldn't see what it did to the family and he wouldn't listen to me.
I wanted to know what they knew and I wanted to know it now.
But it wasn't working out that way but I remember being asked if I could appreciate the love in between the messes, and then I started listening more. There are some very difficult and very varied experiences shared at f2f meetings. I wanted what those folks had and to learn how they could live just one day at a time with all the chaos around them.
I started hearing how folks detached with love so I read everything I could on detachment and just kept trying one baby step at a time. Learn something else that applied to my situation too, read about that and kept trying to figure out how that would work for me. The results or responses often encouraged me. Some times shocked me with a "duh" if I knew this would happen I would have done that years ago. Respond not react and no response is a type of response.
I am still listening 18 mos later and go to f2f meetings from 1 to 3 a week. You are not alone and there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here at MIP and at f2f meetings. As wise ones say, don't leave before the miracles start happening. Keep coming back, there is peace to be found here for me & you.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You've tried and came away feeling wanting. I did also. And then I tried again and found this part (a suggestion not advise) of the closing state- ment to what became my home meeting at that time. It suggested, "If you keep and open mind, you will find help." The next time I came to a meeting I sat, listened and considered maybe,...may be I could use that. I didn't have to agree with what I was listening to in fact if I didn't agree that was sign to me that I was resisting help...and I was. The only thing I knew was what I knew. What I needed to know was something else because what I knew was keeping me in trouble. I had to accept that I also played a big part in the problems that were plaguing my life. It was not and could not be only the alcoholic's fault...that was impossible and if I continued to keep blaming her I was admitting that I had given up control of my own happiness. I had in fact done just that I had turned responsibility for my happiness and peace of mind over to an alcoholic who neither wanted the responsibility or was healthy enough to consider it. There were times I am sure that she wished I would grow up myself and handle my own needs.
I played a big part in my own insanity and what I had to do was go sit with others who had similar events in their lives, sit down, listen, learn and exercise the courage to change...me. When it comes to self honesty I find no justifiable reasons to blame others for who I am or what I've become.
Keep coming back with an open mind. Look for similarities that keep you connected to those that are changing for the better rather than the differences that keep you continuously searching for the peace others have.
