The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Why do I create illusion? My mind just goes down this path and totally and completely makes this story up. one that is not based in ANY kind of reality.
I project an entire saga onto someone. Me with this person, this well appointed saga. All sorts of details.
And then when I hit reality- BAM!
what just happened?! Scratching my head.
Crying.
Mad.
Angry.
All just an illusion.
every bit of it.
I created my own living hell right inside my head.
The other person had practically nothing to do with it! They were just a stand-in to my story, an actor in a role, someone I could project onto.
wow, how I can relate! I too, create much of my own chaos, leaving the affected people kind of standing in a daze going..."what the heck was that?"
for me, when I've analyzed that for myself, I believe that I do that because as a child (of an A) I could rely on no one but myself. So, my "fantasy" making is a coping skill, that served me well as a neglected and powerless child, got me thru even, but as an adult it is unneccesary, and actually harmful.
I can totally get ahead of myself, about what an experience/relationship/exhange will look like, set it all up...and then, when it occurs, be left feeling horribly disappointed that my little monkeys didn't follow the script!!
ugh...yes, I know too well, what that feels like. I am working on allowing life to happens as it does, rather than how I think it SHOULD! (or how it plays out in my "fantasies"!)
The other side of my fantasies is where i depict the evil villan role, (normally my aH) and set the scene and lay the story out, getting ahead of myself again. Assuming I already know what he thinks, what he's gonna do, what he's gonna say, ... I can get myself all worked up and pist off , before he even enters the set! This is very controlling of me. Trying to create order. Trying to make things predictable, so that I can cope. It never feels good.
I think this is something so common and so basic for alanons. I know I have done it all my life. I remember saying that alanon ruined my fantasy life.
I am not as bad as I used to be. I see the benefit of living in reality rather than in my own head. I told you about this guy this past smmer who I had a crush on. And within a week (in my head) I had figured out what our courtship would look like, how we would be married, what the problems in that marriage would be and how the divorce would look. By the next time I saw him I was totally over him and a bit disqusted with him too (after all, how dare he divorce me!!!!)LOL but true!!!
That is when I began to understand that I was not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone till I really got healthy myself. I always "knew" that but I don't think I really believed it.
Anyway, I have been asked to dinner by someone I am really interested in and I am keeping in today. I haven't even tried to figure it out.
The only way to feel safe and have value in the Ahome I grew up in was to have control. No one but my mother could have control so I escaped to the place in my mind where it was me in charge of my life.
Now I am grown and I can do better.
See, Jean, it is passing as we speak. You rock sister!!!!!!!!!!!
I know for me so much of my life with the A was a fantasy. The trying to make a home with him, the romantic love that wasn't there, the commitment. I'm glad you are seeing the part fantasy plays in your life. People pleasing for me is also a huge fantasy. As if anyone can be liked by everyone?
My entire relationship/marriage with my EXAH was based on fantasy, and when I finally sought help for my own alcoholism, I neatly swept my own codependency issues under the rug for 12 very long and painful years.
I 'thought' by leaving the EXAH for good that the codependency problem was solved, ignoring the fact that the problem was staring right back at me in the mirror.
So began my journey of repeating the same mistake, only with different men, still in fantasy mode, and with the same painful results.
When Serendipity mentioned keeping it in today, that is so true for me. I work hard on keeping it in today. I also find I need a system of checks and balances that includes regular meetings, one on ones with my sponsor, and taking a daily inventory, including honestly looking at where I am with my conscious contact and a higher power.
When I slack off in any of those areas, I definitely slide back into the crazy-making thinking and behaviors, and usually don't surrender and get back on track until I feel enough pain.
(((((hugs)))))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I think fantasy was actually how I got through a terrible childhood. There is a place for it. I know I always put all my eggs in one basket. Now I don't. I tend to be incredibly cautious when it somes to relying on anyone at all.
Good questions for a face to face sit down with a sponsor. My experience. We are about progress and not perfection so a slip is usual until our learning and experience grow more and our changes result in greater serentiy and self control.
I no longer ask "why" questions because if I'm not ready the only response is just another "why"...question. You did what you did; got what you got and didn't like the consequence. Now try choosing the consequence you want and doing what it takes to get that consequence. That takes the mystery and guess work out of the who that I am. You did what you did period! Do something different.
I was a very elaborate daydreamer as a kid, even into high school. I realized last time I made my AH leave that I was still living in a much more elaborate fantasy about how marriage should be, what my H should be like, even how my kids should perform. It was very hard to let go of this as it had become my alternate reality, much more than just a daydream in which I got to be the hero in control. I no longer set myself as the hero, but I was still in control as I was the script writer. LOL
I grieved hard over the loss of that fantasy family life. Sometimes I still feel myself slipping back into the old way of wanting things done my way, people to behave my way, etc. It is all part and parcel to this aspect of the disease for me. It is very hard sometimes for me to allow others to just be who they are. Now I make a concerted effort to do just that as that is what I require from them. And yes I did mean require. It is a boundary now, that I do not hang with people who expect me to be anything that I am not. So I feel that I must learn to give that freedom to others as well.
Great topic, Jean. Thank you for sharing yourself so honestly.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
