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I know this is irrelevant really considering my circumstances, but the A told me he didn't understand why I couldn't be his friend just because he didn't want that kind of relationship with me at this particular time. Just thought I would throw that out as a topic for discussion.
Good question! I think in a healthy marriage, friendship is a requirement.(a no brainer ) I know that is what I've longed for throughout19 years of my marriage. In fact, sometimes to get his attention I will ask him out of the blue to be my friend, because well as a codependent I continually strive to be my husband's friend. We are 2 unhealthy people that just struggle so damn much with our relationship. When its good its good, when its bad its bad...... Thanks for asking that question, I would like to spend more time writing and praying on the subject of friendship in my marriage or lack there of.
Take Care
__________________
ThE LiTTle WaY
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that when I really need it".....
My AHsober said after he left that he didn't think we could be friends. I think that it is an intimacy thing; play it safe. My Ahsober and I were "diagnosed" as a love addict (me) and love avoidant (him). So it is a co-addicted relationship read unhealthy. Part of it is codependency or immaturity. Woman Who Love Too Much is a good book that may help. We have to love ourselves first.
All I know is my own experience. The only reason I was there for A time and time again was because we were always friends first. Even today that is where I am.
He however is too sick to be a friend to anyone,not even himself.
Even though he is parasiting off his host sick woman, I am still his friend first. I really have that kind of love for him. Nothing can change that.
Good to see you here, keep coming back. love,debilyn
I absolutely believe that in order for a marriage to work, you have to be friends. My Tim and I were best friends, long before we were married. Now that he is gone, not only do I miss my husband terribly, I miss my best friend. I believe that it was the friendship that kept the marriage in tact when we were struggling with his disease, and long before I found Alanon. I loved both relationships very much.
Whether or not you can remain friends with your husband is really up to the two of you. It depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Maybe for a while until more healing takes place, you can't just be friends, or maybe you can. One of my dearest friends, remains best friends with her exhusband. In fact they live down the road from each other. When he broke his leg, he asked her to take him to the ER. Not only was she his emergency contact, but because she works out of town a lot, her boyfriend became his second emergency contact! You should have seen the look on the face of the ER nurse when they told her that one! Much love and blessings to you and your family. Merry Christams!
Live strong, Karilynn & Piper Claus
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well aren't you talking about being addicted to someone and not getting you needs met? I know in love addiction I certainly am usually the pursuer and very rarely the one who is pursued. For me personally being "friends" with someone who I personally want more from is not a "friendship" its torture.
I don't think you have to actually argue with someone who is unavailable what the role is they want. I think its quite funny that he would say "be friends" when its all on his terms. I've been there done that. I no longer enter relationships on those terms. I just go round and round in the disease. For me getting busy is so key then I am not looking to engage in those kind of discussions.
I know for me, whenever I wanted to remain "friends" with someone who I was in love with, it was a desperate attempt to just have them in my life on whatever terms they would allow. It had nothing to do with maintaining a friendship, because I always secretly wanted more and was disappointed if it didn't go that way. I hung on to someone like that for years and all it did was make me hate myself more and more because I became so needy and clinging to our "friendship" that I couldn't really accept it for what it was and not what I wanted it to be. I never really found peace until I broke away and stopped torturing myself, because that is all it was....torture. Deep down you know if you can truly just be friends with your A or if you are clinging to this as an attempt to hopefully one day have more. I hope you find the peace you need to love yourself, you're worth it.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to step away from them. In my opinion I would say no from my own experience. I think you can be civil, especially when there are children involved but that doesn't necessarily mean friendship - like hanging out together, etc. It's all dependent on the people involved but for me no.
) I know that is what I've longed for throughout19 years of my marriage. In fact, sometimes to get his attention I will ask him out of the blue to be my friend, because well as a codependent I continually strive to be my husband's friend. We are 2 unhealthy people that just struggle so damn much with our relationship. When its good its good, when its bad its bad...... Thanks for asking that question, I would like to spend more time writing and praying on the subject of friendship in my marriage or lack there of.
