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I wasn't going to post this, but I know everyone understands these things and I always feel better after posting. Well, my Abfsober has been gone all day with his friend with the exeption of coming home for lunch for an hour. I am upset and have this all so familiar bad feeling. I remember the times when he drank and stayed gone all the time.
He left again around 2 and is still gone (now after 8 pm). I called him earlier (I really tried hard not to) and asked him if he fell off the earth. He is all happy saying he will be home in a little while. I am so upset. I don't know exactly what he is doing and the suspicions are driving me crazy. I figured he would not stay gone this long and not even call if he's not drinking. He has not done this since he quit. I mean he has not stayed gone all day long since. He has been hanging out with his friend on the weekends, but also brought him home a few times so we all hung out.
I do not want to go tru this again. The pain came back and I am trying to deal with it. I understand that he wants to get out of the house since he works long hours during the week. I do not understand why he doesn't want for us to get out and do something. I don't expect him to be home all the time and I do not keep him on a leash.
It does bother me that he's still gone and he acted like everything is fine on the phone. I do not want to go back to my old behavior. I feel like he does not care about us being together. I think if he wasn't drinking he would have called me and would not have been all happy when I called. Does anyone have any esh on this? I don't even know what to say when/if he comes home. I probably would be better off not saying anything, or not reacting at least, but we'll see.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to detach some times. I've had many times with my AH where I've been virtually sitting on the edge of my seat. Wondering what he's up to, what trouble he's in. I'm learning that my wondering, my sitting on the edge of my seat has no impact on the outcome. It will be what his HP wants it to be - good or bad. Over time, I've gotten to the point where I don't obsess about where he is or what he is doing, knowing that I will learn of it if I need to.
One thing I've not experienced is to have my soberAH go as in your case. I can imagine it must be even harder to detach when they have achieved sobriety. You must fear its loss. I guess detaching is still the best and only course.
Is there anything you can do to take your mind off his absence? Read a daily reader, call your sponsor, watch a movie, write in a journal, read a book?
Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way,
I can identify. Whether they are sober or not the disease/addiction is always calling. My AHsober (over 20 years) would say I am going to the office to catch up. He was playing computer games all day. He would call and say I will be home and then finally come home and say he ran into someone. He left over 3 years ago; I know now that he really never was doing what he said he was doing. It was either the disease in one form or another or those people who seem to feed the disease. Detachment comes to mind. I work on this daily. We really lose alot when we sit there and wait for them. They are not thinking about us.
He hasn't done this since he quit until yesterday (staying gone all day) so anyway, he got home at 9 pm, acted like everything was fine. I could not tell if he had been drinking or was high on pot. I did not smell alcohol though and I don't think I will ever forget the smell from the past. Anyway, I know he was not thinking about me yesterday and that's what hurts.
Nmike, my bf did the things yours did when he was drinking, he would say he was coming home, then came home much later, excuses, excuses. I don't believe things he tells me all the time, like when he tells me he was at his friends all this time. When I asked him about it yesterday, he said he didn't want to talk about it cuz I was whining. Geez I told him what I thought, I wasn't whining, maybe that was his excuse not to have to talk about it.
The guy who he hangs out with drinks on weekends, so who knows if he will give into it or not someday or he already has, I don't know.
They are not thinking of us. They are not thinking of us. They are not thinking of us. NM, you are soooo right. I need to always know this: They are not thinking of us!!!! Why? Because they are UNAVAILABLE. WHY? Because they are alcoholics (wet or dry)! Great string- thanks for posting- Jean
Buick, when we love an A, relapse is part of it. I choose no matter what to never live with my ah again.
I would die if I did and he relapsed. I will not go thru that again. don't have the strength to in any way.
Through experience I saw when things were going sour.They start the same behaviors back to using again. It is not usually all of a sudden, it is a process, like the process when they quit using.
If he uses he uses. We have no control none. I learned to love him drinking or not. It honestly did not but me. I left the room when the "other one" I called Tom appeared.
Sadly the brain damage he suffered from brain surgery made him into a very abusive guy out of nowhere. I have known him all my life, so new behavior, he is outa here.
It is hard hon, very hard. For me the being with him was harder than him going away.
I am so sad you are going thru this. Wish I could bring all of you hurting to Eden to drink warm tea, look at the view and be warm and loved.
you said "Through experience I saw when things were going sour.They start the same behaviors back to using again. It is not usually all of a sudden, it is a process, like the process when they quit using."
Reading this really scared me and it makes so much sense. There is no way I would go tru this again, no way. I would prefer to be without him, like you said in your case. I guess I can just observe him and pay attention to his behavior and see what happens.
I understand that relapse is part of it, and hard to accept. Well he knows I am upset (well I'm hurt but he probably thinks I'm upset). I have not said a word to him all day today. I am going to try to talk to him later on. I'm not sure what to say and I'm guessing, actually I know it is not going to make a difference whether I say anything or not.
I do hate the silent treatment myself, but I can not act like everything is fine. I heard him talk to someone one the phone earlier and he said "I don't talk to anyone during the week anymore" This is true but does not justify yesterday. Guess it does for him.
Well I am doing better today than yesterday. Yesterday I was physically sick from obsessing and being upset and hurt. I even screwed up dinner for the first time. Geez, this is crazy. It is not part of my plan. My plan was to go on with life like we have been. Or maybe I'm overdramatizing?
Oh yeah, earlier I did say something to him. He gets home, takes the remote, changes the tv channel. I said to him I was watching something. I said yeah you don't care about anything. Then he has the nerve to turn it around on me and says that I don't care about anything. I did not take the blame.
Guess they really are not thinking of us like Jean said, not even when we are watching something on TV. Thank you everyone.
I'm not sure if you have read Getting them Sober but Toby says quite categorically they are not out having fun. Having been to some AA meetings myself I wouldn't call much of what alcholics do dry or out there "fun". Yet somehow in my "disease" I felt like I was missing out on something when the A was off somewhere. He could dress it up so well.
Detacing is such a great great too tool. I can't urge you enough to work on it. I also had to turn the A over, no amount of obsessing could protect him as far as I can see.
