The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the rooms we talk about feelings alot. I hear many who have been around say things to the effect of 'what is your part in how you feel? or my feelings are my own problem." I don't understand how feeling my feelings is a bad thing. I cannot casually brush off my h's behavior like it doesn't bother me, because it does. To be honest, my husband hurts me in many ways, and to say its my fault if I am sad angry upset whatever just seems wrong to me. I can see that not letting how I feel determine my actions makes sense. But I feel like people are saying to be successful in recovery we walk around like robots with no feeling. Please don't take offense, I don't mean people here, its just how I am understanding (or not) this feeling business.
Hello Lyndi - I know it sounds confusing hang in there it wll begin to make sence . We are responsible for our own feelings and yes the alcholic can say terrible things that hurt , but if u can remember it's booze talk designed to get u off his back . A part of us knows that what they are saying is crap but the other part almost believes it and thats where we get into trouble . If what he is saying is not true , remember it is just booze talk and don't take it on , If you have our ODAT the blue daily reader go to page on July 14 th read it as often as u can it changed m y life . Someone told me that feelings were not facts along time ago and it really ticked me off sounded like they were discounting how I was feeling , but what they were trying to do was to get me to look at things in a diff perspective that helped me alot . When we try to justify how we feel to the alcoholic it always gets twisted and somehow becomes our problem , when they attack they are looking for a fight to justify thier behavior ,when we walk away and not argue the game is over . when on a rant take a bottle of what he usually drinks place it firmly in your mind *not on his forhead *on his forhead that will help u to realize that it is booze talking not the man , sounds stupid I know but it worked for me . We have a awsome pamphlet on Detachment keep it with u at all times , it works detach from his behavior . Walk like robots > NO thats why we have sponsors to talk to about things that bother us , and boards to post on to get feedback , when I stopped taking everything personally my life got better. yours will too . No one will take offence to your questions , keep asking for clarity and it will come . for now remember that you - regardless of what he may say are not the reason he drinks . Your simply not powerful enough to make anyone drink or Stop . keep going to your meetings keep asking your questions and you will be just fine . goodluck Louise read all u can on detachment find something that u can work and work it . (((hugs)))
Well I certainly still have tons of feelings about my ex A. The issue for me was that in telling him about my feelings I was wanting him to change. He didn't change. I changed. I certainly still have plenty of feelings. What do I do with them.
I can give you an example. I've met someone recently who I feel some chemistry with. Normally I would go overboard with that. Normally I'd be married to him already. Normally I'd be obsessed.
Today I decided its okay for me to have those feelings. I can have an excuse to dress up, I can let myself have the butterflies in my stomach. I can let myself say "hey yes its great to feel an attraction to someone". I just don't act on it. I act on it in ways of letting myself dress up some, let myself be happy that I like someone. I haven't married him. I haven't told anyone I like him. I haven't done anything. If anything I've avoided him till I got a plan of action together. For me personally that's tremendous recovery. My feelings ran me before. Now I allow myself the feelings but I'm definitely in control.
Hope that helps. We don't become robots in recovery.
Whether I even have a conversation with the person I've found chemistry with doesn't matter. The issue for me is that I'm managing the feelings.
When I first came to understand that my husband was an alcoholic, I was expressing my feelings all over the place. Each and every "morning after" I would tell my AH how much he hurt me and our family by his actions. He would often apologise and I would think things can get back to normal. Over time, with this same pattern repeated over and over, I became very sad and felt no hope.
Now I draw hope from the idea that this sadness I feel doesn't define me. That I can move beyond it. I can be happy again. Sometimes, this idea is all that keeps me moving forward.
Thanks for posting, keep coming back and sharing your questions. It helps all of us to think about our perspective on things.
I am trying really hard to detach right now. He took my son to a bar to play pool last night....thats nice, take a child of 2 a's and bring him to a bar. Right now he's asleep on the couch. Must be tired from hanging out with R all day yesterday. He moved the tank, but the tree is in the basement still. Poor baby must be worn out.....gahhhhhhhhh I hate this!!!
What was given to me was that, "Feelings are inward reactions to outside events." They just are. Negative, random, reaction feelings resulted in pain and craziness for me and I also heard the "stick around and listen and learn" that's been mentioned here also. There is hope. You won't always react to the feelings like you are now. You will learn. You know how it comes about for you and don't understand what it can evolve to with the program after working it for a while, taking the suggestions and continuing to come back.
For now keep coming back...read earlier posts...keep an open mind (always an open mind) and don't react. Give yourself time to think about choices and about how you want to respond to what is and is not happening. Learn the slogans, "Easy does it", "Let go and let God", "Don't react!!", "Listen and learn", and all the others. Memorize them and carry them with you where ever you are. It isn't only the alcoholic that will surrender myself to. Keep doing what you are doing...when you are confused continue to ask others in program for their perception on the situation. You'll get lots of honest feedback and you can pick and choose what it is that you like and let the rest go for later or never.
Don't forget to get as many (((((hugs))))) as you can.
This whole thing confused me too at first. But then I realized what was going on. Any feelings are okay and should be acknowledged. But at some point I become responsible for how I deal with those feelings. Addicts have a terrible emotional impact on our lives.
I think right now of my sister. I begged her to go to meetings with me, as I still believe that my brother-in-law still uses. It's either that or he's a terrible "dry drunk" . However, my sister chooses not to seek any kind of recovery, (she is in complete denial) so she is just as miserable. I can see that she is clearly becoming sicker than he is. My poor nieces don't even like being home. At some point we have to take responsibility for our own lives. We can either choose to stay miserable or do what you along with many others have and seek a healthier alternative.
Alanon will give you the tools to learn how to detach. It doesn't mean to become a robot. It means allowing you to live and more calm and serene life, regardless if there is addiction in the house or not. Give it time, you will find your way through. Love and blessings to you and your family. Happy Holidays!
Live strong, Karilynn & Piper Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
But then I realized what was going on. Any feelings are okay and should be acknowledged. But at some point I become responsible for how I deal with those feelings. Addicts have a terrible emotional impact on our lives. 