The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...and I think there may have been smoke coming our her ears, but I stayed as cool as a cucumber. Yes, I did. Yay! for me.
My 11.5 yr old daughter wanted her dad to pick her up at 9:00 last night after his programs to help her with her math. She wants time with him, more than the help, and I understand the need, but more than anything, she needs sleep. I said, "no" and AH was on board and supportive of the decision. So, I get home close to 6:00 and as I calmly moved forward on getting dinner together, she was stomping around and visibly mad. When pouting didn't work, she started to yell. When I did not respond, she resorted to having a tantrum on the floor - red-faced, kicking her feet, screaming at the top of her lungs. Not typical behavior. The only other time she acted like this was about a year and a half ago when AH and I first separated.
I am getting sick with a sore throat and cold. I was tired from working all day. I have two other children. We don't deserve the chaos. I hate myself when I engage in the madness, and somehow, someway, I was able to refrain this time. This was big for me. Somehow, this time I was able to detach with love. I rubbed her back on ocassion, told her I was sorry she was unhappy, expressed my love for her, and offered to help her after dinner. Internally I was disappointed, but not angry. I made it clear that I did not like what she was doing and told her to take it to her room. When she threatened not to do any of her homework, I told her okay, that it was her choice. Finally, she took the offer to go to bed and get up early. After about 3 minutes she came down and asked if I could just help her do it. She surrendered. I agreed. So after dinner, the kitchen was a mess and I felt horrible, but I sat there and we did a bunch of word problems together. At first she was mute (and I didn't notice), but gradually a word popped out here and there, and by the end I was sweeping the floor and she was humming. Thank you, God! I know there are hormones raging along with her struggle to accept her family situation. She wants her dad home and does not like that I am now a working mom. I hurt for her, but can't change any of it. I did succeed in changing my reaction this time and for that I am grateful. So, I share this success with you. Thanks for being here.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
That nearing the teen years period is daunting in the best of situations. Throw in what you and your children have been through and are going through and I know it must be challenging...for lack of a better term! I am so sorry your child had to experience those feelings last night. She is obviously very distraught and in her mind, if she can just get the attention of everyone, she can change something. I think you did a great job of mothering last night, Lou. I know it must worry you so much that your daughter will be damaged from your divorce. That is to be expected. But she is probably more resilient than you know. She just lost control. Thankfully you did not. I would certainly try to take advantage of what her school offers in the way of guidance. Most school counselors are well experienced with these kinds of problems; their relationship with kids is usually very positive and it is a safe place for kids to vent and get some support. I spent 32 years in the classroom with 12-13 year old students. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and their emotions roil constantly. Just continue to take that into consideration as you go through your family's problems. Her hormones are probably most certainly involved. Divorce or no divorce, getting her way is top of the list at this point. I am so glad you mustered it through and the end was so positive. I always read your posts to see how you and your kids are doing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Great job!! Your daughter isn't able to sort out her feelings yet and realize she's upset with a situation, not a person. As parents it's hard for us sometimes, especially when tired, to not just try to control the situation with authority and make it go away.
It's kind of like arguing with an A. It takes more strength to keep quiet then it does to "let em have it"..lol But in the end we are calmer for the quiet mode. More importantly, you taught your daughter that tantrums won't work with you and you did it with love..awesome!
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Amazing Lou! What a story of success, understanding, and love. There is no question you realize that no matter what our problems are or how we feel, our children come first. Either we accept that fact before we decide to bring them into the world, or we don't have them. Clear as crystal!! I feel, deep inside, that you and your kids will be fine. There will be bumpy times, but you have demonstrated your ability to cope and keep your cool. Hey, that's more than half the battle!!! Good girl.
Proud of you, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
This is great! And (I believe) its acceptable for an 11.5 year old to behave this way under these circumstances. She is a child! She worked it through and you did not abandon her or shame her about it. You stuck around and were supportive. What a great, loving, accepting parent you are! Nice work!!!!
What is unacceptable is when *full grown adults* behave this way, routinely. : )
wow, (((((((((lou)))))))), well done, I'm sure you were holding tight to your program the whole time. You know what I see? I see that you showed her it was okay to have those feelings. She didn't have to stuff them. I love how you rubbed her back. Give yourself something nice too - you did great.
