The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS is not doing well, and I am not doing well, I have these overwhelming feelings of despair, especially when he visits and he not high and he is more like the son I know, and then "boom" he reappears as the person I don't know anymore, and I go back in my mind to better days and how I long to see him again when he was the happy, out going son that was our families delight.
The sadness is about more than I can stand, the feeling that I will never see my son whole again.
I am so sorry that you are despairing. I cannot relate to having an addicted child, and I can imagine almost nothing worse. I want you to know that my prayers and positive thoughts and energy are being sent your way.
With great caring,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It's good to have family that loves you and can share that pain with you. Many of us are intimate with it also and too I can say don't give up hope but turn it all over to your HP (God as you understand God) and including yourself and get into the program.
Keep up hope with the thought that you can be wrong and with HP's help and relationship this will be temporary and your son will emerge again.
I know that sadness very well...up close and personal. The first thing I do when my son walks in or even when he calls is to assess his condition. Most of the time he is fine; when has obviously been drinking, it is not fine and I grieve. I try to stop the assessments, but so far, it is impossible for me. But the situation is never hopeless nor should you give up your dreams. You are in a safe and supportive place to express your sadness and any other emotion you feel with this situation. Read everything you can get your hands on. Go to meetings. Come here. Find solace in people who share your experience. I am so sorry you are having to bear this. It is aa very very hard thing for a parent to ever have to do. You are in my thoughts and I send prayers your way for serenity and acceptance of what you cannot change. You cannot change your son. You can change your own feelings and behaviors to try and make things easier...until the miracle of his recovery. And it does happen. Hold onto that.
I've been feeling sad too. It feels a lot like grief to me--for the things that will never be, the things I've lost, the things unchanged-but I'm desperately trying to find gratitude.
And I have a ton to be grateful for.
I've been having mixed reactions on everything. Something happens and I have both positive and negative reactions to them. Not JUST negative like it was when I was brand new. Now, I have both. It's confusing.
But sadness is constant. I hide it a lot.
I know my HP is taking care of me, which gives me hope. I know my HP is taking care of the other people in my life too.
I think there is a lot of grief for all of us. Over 7 years I watched the man I loved become a complete shell of himself. There is a lot of loss there.
I think its important to grieve but also important to do self care.
