The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not sure what is up with me lately, but I have been having the most vivid dreams just prior to time for me to get up in the morning. Some good, some bad, some just plain weird!!
The latest one was very good.
I was in the school band from 6th grade thru graduation from High School. For the first 5 of those years, the head band director was the same man. This gentleman was a fabulous band director. He was tough. He was demanding. But he was also caring and above all, he knew how to get the best out of us kids. He took a program in shambles and in those 5 years turned our band into a top 5 band in the state.
After my junior year, he accepted another position in a bigger school district. I was very disappointed and angry with him at the time. I felt like he had abandoned us.
Now on to the dream!
In the dream I am sitting in an auditorium watching a band perform and my old director is up there leading them. After one song, he turns around to face the audience....and calls me up on to the stage! He hands me his baton, tells me to lead the band in the next song then he goes and sits down.
I am, to say the least, nervous but begin looking the score over trying to figure out what I am to do. I make an announcement to the audience saying I am gonna try to kick the song off, but that I don't know exactly the tempo I should set, so hang on I might have to stop and start over if I am off too bad. As I am saying this, I look over at my director and he smiles and begins tapping his hand on his leg, showing me what the correct tempo should be.
Up go my hands, and up go the instruments and voila!!! I begin leading the group as music begins to fill the air. The song is a Christmas Song, 'O Holy Night, I believe and it sounds wonderful. When the songs is over, I walk over and hand the baton back to my director.......and promptly wake up.
I felt so very, very good when I woke up. It felt like I actually had done what I had dreamed. It was amazing really. I kept picturing my old director's smiling face and hearing the music in my head. Feeling that old "full" feeling I had when I was sitting in the band back when, surrounded by all that music. Playing music like that is the ONLY thing I would go back to high school for!
As I was showering getting ready for work, I continued to think about Mr. G (my old director). He passed away a few years ago. I remembered with some chagrin, the last time I saw him. This happened my senior year, after he had moved to the new school. We had gone to a marching competition very near the town he had moved to. We did extremely well, and actually won our class! Afterwards during all the excitement, Mr. G walked up. He had come to see his babies, since his band was not in the competition. He walked up to congratulate us on how well we had done.
And I blew him off. Said something sorta sarcastic to him. I don't remember the words, but I do remember the feeling. You see, I was still angry with him for leaving. That was the last time I saw him. The last time I spoke to him.
As I thought about that this morning, I realized, this was someone I needed to add to my list of people to make amends to. I also of course knew that wouldn't be possible, at least in the "made direct amends to" part of the deal. It made me a little sad for a bit.
But I thought about how I could make amends and about why I had treated him the way I did. It came down to my feeling like he had abandoned me. That somehow I/we weren't good enought for him, so he went somewhere else where there might be better students.
Naturally I know that was nonsense....now. So I owe him an amends, which I am going to make by realizing the defect I have in me that made me act unkindly towards him and to learn from it now, some 27 years later. To try not to do that to the people in my life today, who might need to make decisions about their lives that may cause them to have to leave me behind in some way. It isn't all about me. People have to make decisions, sometimes tough ones, to try to do the best they can for themselves. It is not my place to take things personal. It is not my place to hold a grudge against someone for their choices.
Mr. G taught me so very many things. He was there with me that first day in beginner band in the 6th grade. He taught me to read music. He taught me how to play the Trumpet. He taught me about things like, respect, dedication, responsibility and honor.
He was a former Green Beret.
His decision to leave my school to further his career was a good one. Mr. G went on to be inducted into the Texas High School Music Directors Hall of Fame.
It was a honor for me to have known and learned from him.
And now, thanks to a dream, he gave me a couple more gifts...posthumously. I got to direct a band playing beautiful music...and boy this seemed so real!
And I got to grow a little more, and clean a little more of the grunge out of me from the past.
Thank you Mr. G, for everything.
And thank you reader, if you made it this far...sorry it was so long!
Thanks so much! You know, you have a real way with telling stories and making connections to yourself and your experiences through telling stories. I feel so inspired! Great way to begin my day- wonderful. Hugs, J.
I am a former band player too and I loved this story. O holy Night is my favorite and I too march in place when a parade goes by. You did a wonderful conducting job, what a dream. I also learned another way to make amends, thanks David.
I recently was able to share for the first time with old friends the grief I felt in hs when a former boyfriend's Dad had passed away. The boyfriend had a new girl friend but after several years, I knew his family very well but couldn't do anything about this death without upsetting the new gf. It made me lighter and I know that feeling of letting go of something small but still there poking at me.
There is much to uncover and lighten our load.
blessings, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
As soon as I started reading the dream "The Leader Of The Band" song popped in to my head. How lucky you were to have this man as your leader. Luckier still to have him giving you lessons so many years later. Thank you for sharing. We can all think of a similar circumstance where we felt it was all about us.
He left his home And went his lone And solitary way And he gave to me A gift I know I never Can repay
A quiet man of music Denied a simpler fate He tried to be a soldier once But his music wouldnt wait He earned his love Through discipline A thundering, velvet hand His gentle means of sculpting souls Took me years to understand.
The leader of the band is tired And his eyes are growing old But his blood runs through My instrument And his song is in my soul -- My life has been a poor attempt To imitate the man Im just a living legacy To the leader of the band.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
David, As we get older and wiser we must always remember that it was those that were older and wiser than us that gave us our wisdom. Such a great story, not only did he give you a good foundation, his influence is still having a positive effect on you life 27 years later. He would be so proud.
Certainly I am always going on about how the ex A lived his entire life only being able to see his side of an issue. I've been there so many times.
I've blown off many many people. I can justify it all of course in victim mode.
Knowing only a tiny bit of your background I can also of course know that you needed this man and how hard it is to allow ourselves to know that. Abandonment is such a hard thing to process. I know certainly I had no way to do that until now but to howl in some way. My therapist reminds me that howling has its place.
Thanks for reminding me there is a way out beyond the howling.
What I saw from your dream as you expressed it was an amends made from both sides. He trusted you and had faith in you after he had left and he turned to you and your skills. From the other side you continued to take cues from him; rythum and tempo from his drumming fingers and the baton of his trust and expectancy. For me, dreams are of the spirit world. I get to be contacted by and have relationship with those who have passed before me or those who are there for me regardless. This is for me. I see this is what happened for you. The place was real something you knew intimately. The players were real a group you once held member ship in. The action was real something you use to do and did well and the people; especially your former music/band director and yourself are real. This is also the season for joy, harmony, love and sharing and giving gifts. You got gifts....the baton, an opportunity to demonstrate your skills taught by the man and an opportunity to say "yes I'll do this with you and to honor your trust and love for me." And you got the tempo.
You might have not liked him leaving you or your school band but for all you describe of him, he never stopped loving and caring for you. Ever even until today.
I'm thinking that the amends is made. I could be wrong. I've been wrong before.
