The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week, I was asked by my manager, to cover a shift on Sunday. (This was a huge favor to ask.) I agreed to cover HALF the shift only. She was very grateful and said she would cover the second half, replacing me by 2:00.
Well, 2:05 rolls around and I'm ready to go, but she's not there. Another employee, someone that I am training for the day (and the manager's BFF) tells me that she spoke with her earlier and that she would be a little late... (which upset me since I am the one doing her the favor!! Why didn't I get the call?)
"Manager" arrives 30 minutes late, doesn't acknowledge me, instead begins to rave about how fabulous her BFF is looking today. Eventually, she directed her drama my way, oozing compassion and concern about why I was still there. I said because "BFF" wasn't comfortable with me leaving. Then, "BFF" lied and said that she told me I should go home. I looked at her and firmly declared, "No you did not." (I am grateful I could do this much since it became an enormously uncomfortable situation with an audience of people standing around.) So, she caves and starts apologizing profusely to me, over and over. What do you think I did? I said, "That's okay... It's only 2:30... No big deal... it's perfectly fine.... I don't have to be anywhere.... don't worry about it."
UGGGGGHHHHHHH
That was a lie!! (I'm a liar too!!!!) I got home and I've been stewing about the incident ever since, the audacity of both of them... the complete lack of honesty and respect. It was certainly NOT okay with me. It was not okay that "Manager" was late and it was not okay that "BFF" lied.
But worse, I told them both that it was okay.
What was my motive? I don't like to make waves. I want people to like me. People pee on my leg and I tell em, "It's okay. It's kinda warm, don't worry about it."
I recognize that HP has brought me very similar circumstances all year long... opportunities for me to do something different, to honor myself... yet, I continue to practice this old behavior. I've gotten better, but needless to say, I feel disappointed in myself over this. I know that if I want respect and honesty from people, I have to give it to myself first.
I teach people how to treat me. I need to "keep coming back," because this is not what I want for myself. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get this out. Thanks for being here with me.
-- Edited by glad lee at 10:09, 2008-12-10
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You know, I don't think you did the wrong thing at all. You firmly held to telling the BFF that 'No, you didn't" in the first instance. Then when things got uncomfortable, you were, in my opinion, gracious. Since it was 1/2 hour involved, I feel that you handled it well and I really don't think anyone feels you were a pushover. Your manager and the BFF were quite obviously wrong. But when we use good manners and logic in our everyday events, I think we come out the winner. That is what I think you are...a winner. I don't think pushing the envelope further or making more waves would have accomplished anything. Perhaps you would have felt good at first, but later I sense that because you are a "nice" person and like peace, you would have felt worse had you done that. Congratulations on make a bad situation better. I don't think it is like you sold yourself or anything. You just did what you heart and soul dictated.
Sometimes it helps me to figure out the actual words I could have said that would have honored what I needed to say, without being mean. Then I practice them out loud. The exact same situation probably doesn't come up again, but a similar one may, and to my surprise sometimes the new words are the ones I find coming out of my mouth. It's like I made a new path for the words to slip into - otherwise, as we all know, we haven't got the wherewithal on the spur of the moment to push them OVER the lip of the rut of old patterns, into a new way. Furthermore, practicing the words that honor me not only helps me practice new speech patterns, it helps me practice honoring myself. It's work, but it's all good.
*** It occurs to me that it's not too late to do this. Ask for a private meeting with your manager, and tell her (calmly). You did know she had called BFF, but you were frankly disappointed and concerned that as you were the one covering for her, you weren't the one to receive the call. You're concerned you're sending the message that it isn't important for you to be relieved as arranged, and in fact that's not true. In future, you will plan to leave at arranged time, whether replacement is there or not, so you can attend to your other obligations. (Or something like this. Whatever's right for you. Again, figuring out what I WOULD say in this situation helps me, whether I end up going through with saying it or not.)
Boundaries are often like that in the beginning. How could we get it perfect? Be kind to yourself. I see that you did a lot. I once worked at a hotel where my co workers were chronically late. I was being picked up by a tantruming A. I found it terrible. They totally took it for granted. Sometimes there is no perfect solution to an issue.
Sometimes I just have to redouble taking care of myself.
I think this is a really important post and I am so glad you brought this up glad. I very much struggle with this also- its like needing to re-wire myself and it never fails to amaze me how HP keeps bringing the situations forward...just like you said!! its so true!
I need to do a better job asking for what I need. I am terrible at this. I "skate" or "surf" through interpersonal dynamics and coast along without telling anyone what I need. This pairs very well with people pleasing. If I can just mold myself to whatever anyone else needs, etc. (you probably know what I am talking about)- its that chameleon thing and being the "get along" girl who can make do and adjust and etc. etc. yuck! So its no surprise when a little further down the line, I feel like CRAP because everyone is walking all over me...then THEY wonder: geez what is her problem?
So now I am starting to state my needs. Simply. Then watching what others do in response to this. The one area where I am most vulnerable in this way is in my relationships with lovers. I am in a very interesting set of circumstances right now, thanks to HP. I get to practice this, just like you said- HP has me in the most perfect of spots to sort this out! HA!
Well, glad, the "beauty" of these defects of character is that they usually present themselves again so that we have another chance to do it differently. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to make waves. I did this for years with my AH, and he had no idea that I sacraficed or felt wronged. Sometimes I think it takes a very loud (and in my case, painful) event to get us to realize what it is we need to change. Remorse about how we are treating ourselves can really be eye-opening and the catalyst for change.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
