The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I had a dream that a helicopter landed in my front yard and an emergency medical crew brought my AH out on a stretcher. They loaded up and left, with me calling out "wait, you're supposed to take him with you!" My AH went in the house and proceeded to behave like a drunken madman. I took the kids and told them to stand by the door while I gathered some things. I saw him at the top of the stairs, he had a horrible expression on his face. His pupils were fixed and dilated, his mouth was slightly open and his skin was a sickly orange color. When he saw me he snapped out of it and yelled aggressively. I scrambled to find my car keys but I couldn't. I woke very suddenly and my heart was pounding. I heard movement outside the door, it was AH. I looked at the time, it was 3:30 in the morning. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Wow! Can't get any more realistically factual than that!!! It's as if your subconsious is just done with the playing around type dreams that you may be able to interpret. This one left NO room for interpretation!!!
So, you see this disease for exactly what it is and you took action in your dream to be done with it.
And it is scarey. But you have us and this program. Time to do it differently!
In the dream I just had to go so bad but I couldn't get all my stuff together- I wanted my car keys and cellphone, my saline solution for my contacts. WHen I woke up I was thinking "just go!!!" I feel exactly that way right now, like I can't "just go" because I have all this otherstuff to deal with...school, house payments, car insurance...and I wonder what does it all mean? I know if I left the house would go into foreclosure but I'm starting to wonder what is so bad about that. Why am I hanging on here like this? It's obvious, even to AH, that I'm going to leave when I get my degree.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Ya know, we all leave or stay for many different reasons. I stayed for so very long, well past my own benefit. And when I left (for real, the final time) it wasn't under perfect circumstances. It wasn't really well thought out, I wasn't completely prepared. But, I knew that it was the right thing to do and it was the right time to do it.
Fantasy world was the kids would get counsling before, after and during. We would co-parent and still remain friends, we would empty the house together and laugh at the memories and we would sell the house together and we would both establish our own households for continuity for the kids.....oh, the seperation and divorce was going to be WAY better than the marriage was.....
Reality was, he went out on a binge, left the kids, and I rented a house and 3 days later I packed as much as I could and left the house I loved. I went back to that house for months, ALONE, packing and moving ten years worth of life ALONE. While he lived in crack alley and called only to speak to me NEVER the kids who were physically and mentally ill with all that had happened. It was awful, but it was the absolute best thing I could have done for me and the kids. I knew that staying there and letting my kids live in that uncertainity and violence was way worse than changing.
So, if you wait for the perfect time you will wait for ever. There is never a "perfect" time. Some times may bebetter than others but only YOU can decide if staying is worse than leaving.
Foreclosure was by NO means the worst thing to happen to me. And really, it was the only option. It was a good lesson in letting go. Yes, my credit is suffering...but my children are not and neither am I. I would live under a bridge in a box with my kids rather than ever have to live the nightmare that my ex was.
And it did take a few months before the nightmares really stopped. I don't know if we recognise how bad it really is until we are out.
Stay safe and you will know when you know and not before. It will all become clear. When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change....we change.
as you may know I left under tremendously difficult circumstances. One tool we can use is to make a plan be. What is the bottom line for you. What help can you get? When I was making a plan be I didn't execute it for a long time, the mere act of making it helped. I did get help. I didn't leave under the best of circumstances, the A got us evicted. I wasn't up to being homeless with him. He was homeless for weeks. He had a huge fantasy around that. He put all his stuff hundreds of miles away. Eventually he moved there, moved back, goodness know what. Who knows. I know I got off the merry go round.
No one here is going to declare you gotta go. We all know what goes into leaving and or staying. When the A first totally lost it and did so much damage to me I had no job, nothing. I had to get one. I had to get support, I had to get clarity.
Ask for help. I believe Getting them Sober is a great resource. I think Toby has a very clear eye on what's enabling and what's keeping a roof over your head.
My credit was absolutely ruined. Guess what I'm rebulding it. I have a payment plan in. I have a plan I have a direction. There is hope. Disaster is not for ever.
((rj)) so sorry that things are not going well you just want to send you my love and let you know you are not alone. is true some of us learn to live with the disease, and love our spouses, others are not able to.
i have read your posts from time to time and only want to send you thoughts and prayers. a (((((((BiGHug!))))))) i would begin to put together a plan for myself and the girls. one that is realistic.., just being able to visualize a plan B... even if I never used it, knowing it is there for me. ...that is a blessing in itself. will help to feel more relaxed and not so vunerable. if once things are not better...or there is a need to grab my keys and the kids, i am ready. it could be as little as a week to week motel.. .or getting my sister approval to use her guest room for a set number of nights... but atleast i now have an address and a place i am actually going to. if for some reason you are in fear of your families safety...you will then be able to care for your children and your *self in a better way than just loading up the car and not even know where your headed. another lil thing i do is add 5 dollars a week to an old cookie jar that sits in the extra room. funny how its added up so quickly.
hope you are able to get to some meetings, if not face to face.... there are meetings here in the chat room 2x a day! (schedule link on tis page) i really believe that they are helpful... not just one.. .keep comin back and keep reading the daily reminders.. they are great for getting your head in a positive place and keepin it there. if you really want to change it is right there inside of you to do so!
i love my husband * i hate this disease. those simple words have helped me to see that it is 2 different things.
)))))))