The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm about a week legally separated from my AH not counting the times he never came home. I got a call from him about midnight Friday telling me the following: - he was in the hospital, but didn't know the name of it - he was at the nurse's station calling me on a cell phone as there was no phone in his room - he fell and hit his head and was rushed to the hospital with a concussion - they were monitoring him and he should be going back to his friend's house Sat.
That sounded totally off the wall to me and I haven't heard from him since. Is it true detachment not bothering to find out how he is? His friends and Mother never bothered to call me to let me know he was in the hospital (assuming he was). He may have asked them not to call me, but they also don't talk to me since I'm 'mean' and tell him he is an A. I have been tempted to call his cell or the number that he called me from the hospital, but I haven't. I don't want harm to come to him if all this is true, but I guess I just have to let it go. I'm afraid if I don't call that he will use that against me in the future, saying that I just didn't care enough to fine out about him. But separation is separation or is it??? It's tough not knowing the answers - I appreciate having this opportunity to share with this wonderful community
I'm sorry you are feeling off center right now. My experience with AexH health issues. In the last year he has told me he has diabetes, a blood clot in his brain, and now a cancerous tumor in his stomach that the Doc's wanted to operate on two months ago but still have not. I'm not heartless, I still care but I do not call him. A little different as he is my ex, I am not looking to work things out, and by calling he gets the idea I may want to. Of course by not calling I do get accused of not caring. I just get that gut feeling that he uses these things whether true or not to try to manipulate me. It is a hard situation to decide what to do that is also most comfortable to live with. I hope you find a solution that brings you peace.
Yeah I'd say that was detachment. It was how I was taught it. Have empathy and compassion, listen and acknowledge what I heard, hang up the phone and don't react; except maybe to also do what you just did... share it with people in program and my sponsor. Hey!! you're getting it!! Good work!...(((((hugs))))
I'll tell you what I heard in a lead: the active alcholic defines detachment as "ignoring my needs;" the alcholic in recovery defines detachment as "taking care of my personal needs while being empathetic to other's problems." If your husband eventually uses this as ammunition, it shows that he's suffering the consequences. You're doing a great job. Keep it up.
As far as I know cell phones don't work in a hospital.
For me personally its really an issue not to get caught up in the A's chaos. I was constantly in touch with his friends/family, associates before. Eventually that got too much for me. It was more than a full time job.
Obviously we don't stop caring about someone and obviously we want to show we care.
Nevertheless for me personally the A who I was with couldn't tolerate anything less than 300% commitment, anything less meant I was a total psychopath.
You can come here anytime and share. I have found that the A loved to have the air of mystery about it. He made it a huge secret where he was, when he was working, what he was doing. He actively lied about everything.
