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Well, the A called last night to see if I wanted to go to dinner. When I called him after work today like we talked about he said yeah he still wanted to do something, but probably around 8 or 9 as he was hungover. I knew this would probably be the case. I calmly said okay well if you don't think you will feel like it let me know and I will make other plans. He said, no, we can still do something. So anyway, I said I would shopping and dinner with my child and then get ready and talk to him at 8 or 9. Well, it is 8. I left him a message as he did not answer and just said wanted to see if he was feeling better so I knew if I needed to get ready and sent him a text that said call me please. I don't plan on trying to contact him again. However, if he calls me later tonight or in the morning I am wondering how I show him that I no longer accept that kind of behavior as acceptable while not having expectations- as really I expected this to play out this way anyway...
When I was in that place I learned how to set my choices according to how I wanted things to go. I dropped expectactions of and from the alcoholic and went on about my life. I didn't dance around her hang overs anymore and I didn't put my life on hold for her either. Taking my life back mean't just that and it wasn't easy. It kinda sounds like you're hanging on and making plans around how he feels, if he wants or what ever and he's still doing what's most important to feed his compulsion to drink and his allergy to it. It kinda sorta sounds like you're apart and still together? Who would it bother the most if you made plans and followed thru in going on with your life?
Practice, Practice, Practice; it isn't easy and it still works.
Living with alcoholism to me is like living in 'limbo'. I have learned to go about my business and not change my plans for my AH. He recently asked me to dinner at the last minute, but I had plans with my girlfriends. There was a time that I would have ran to be with him, but no more. As hard as it is, the need to go about your business and make yourself happy is paramount - not easy, but paramount! You'll figure out what works best for you and what boundary you may want to set - what you can't control is his reaction to the boundary only yours.
I have learned to have no expectations from anyone. When things happen good, if they show up good. If not oh well.
I can only control me. I like that you went to eat and shopping.
It is up to you if you want to continue with him acting how he does, accept him as is, or go off on him even though we have no control over them anyway.
Possibly make a boundary and consequences. If he does not show up, don't bother to call again. Or don't make plans, if he calls and says lets go eat I will be there in five min. fine. I know from experience, A's do not plan anything well. If they did, they might not lose jobs...
The thing is it is up to you how YOU want to handle it. For me I do not need the poisonous relationship of anyone who would do this.
I'm glad you did your plans with eating and shopping. My thought while reading your post was if I got no answer to a call, I would do what I felt like ... crawl into pj's and relax or dress and go somewhere anyway, if the call came after that .. either sorry too late, or I am here if you want to join me for X amount of time.
I did eventually set a boundary with my AexH that if a firm time and plan of what we were doing could notbe made then I was notgoing or planning anything. Honestly it was more of a boundary on myself than on him. The main thing is to do what makes you feel the best about yourself and your life.
Co De, Life is short, One day can seem like ten years, and ten years can go in what seems like one day. I have experienced both. Things we do and decisions we make sometimes have more to do with the way we would like it to be than the realization that it most likely will not be. I have been there also many times. My reality was that I expected more from my AW than she could give. What I have accepted slowly over the years is that I love my AW, and I think my AW loves me, but what I must never forget is that she has a disease and her #1 love will always be alcohol, without question. We all have to accept that or at least consider it in our plans or decisions making. We can guarantee ourselves fewer disappointments that way.
It really does not matter how we rank ourselves, it is what we think of ourselves that is most important. If I were you I would not concern myself one minute with the fact that your A did not show up or call. From your post that was to be expected .
Your quality time was spent hours before with your child. And I would venture an educated guess that "YOU" would be #1 if anyone asked your child. When you look at the big picture, how much bettter can it get than that.
Number 1 lesson I learned about living with an active A is to have no expectation of him when it came to making plans. I always had a backup plan in place in case things did not pan out with him. This always comes into play when it comes to my brother in law, since my sister is still in denial.
I did, however have expectations of myself:
1) I would no longer put up with rude behavior. 2) I would put my needs first before theirs. 3) I would not put myself in any position that would make me feel uncomfortable. 4) I would no longer babysit people who were more than capable of taking care of themselves. 5) No matter what my recovery comes first. If they choose recovery, good for them. But making sure they go to meetings is none of my business. 6) I no longer justify my actions to people who don't understand the situation. 7) I would no longer compromise my life for their disease.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know what you mean, I remember being so disappointed all the time. I had a really hard time learning to do things by myself and with my children rather than hinging my life on some man. Now I have a hard time imagining hinging my life on some man. It's a 180 for me I enjoy doing things alone now. I'm on my own schedule, I can go when I choose, do what I choose and I still have fun. The most important thing I learned is to always have a plan B and maybe even C. I ALWAYS have other things to do. Sure it may not be as much fun but I always have my plan b lined up in my mind. I don't call men anymore. I don't have time, my life is complicated with three children and most men don't want to be burdened with that - not men I would want anyway... Sounds to me like you're chasing him. Men are intrigued when they have to chase you, when you're a sure thing, they know they can have you when they want and leave you when they want. Just because that's the pattern you have set in the past doesn't mean you have to continue in it. Only one of you has to change to change the pattern and that one can be you.
Here's what I do... I have a date with _____ my plan b is to meet up with friends at _____ sometimes I can incorporate both by planning to meet the date at my plan b destination. Sometimes plan b is just renting some movies and vegging on the couch all night, sometimes it could be cleaning and organizing something, sometimes it's to go out alone and just hang out and meet new people. I hear you pinning all your hopes on the A when you know what the expected outcome is you said it yourself. What I would do... I wouldn't call at all. I'd say if you want to go call me by ____ time. If he doesn't call it's off to plan B and now he's too late. Once you do that a few times if he calls and it's too late and you stick by that he'll get it. Call by when she says or she's not coming. If he really wants to spend time with you he will. If he doesn't then oh well you have other things to do anyway. The idea of boundaries are for YOU not for him. You have to set controls on yourself on what you will do and accept. If you say call me by 8 and he doesn't he's too late and that's on him. If he calls at 9 then you're sorry but you're doing something else. Maybe next time... And it's not mean it's normal! I'm sorry.... I told you that if you wanted to do something you needed to call me by 8. I have other plans now. Maybe next time.... But it all comes down to you controling you, follow through on your boundaries for yourself, staying firm, if you say you expect something expect it. I know you want to see him and it hurts when he doesn't call or show up and you want so much to give in and say ok when he calls at 9 but that's the thing with boundaries. You set them to protect yourself and you know that following thru is in your own best interest which is the goal! After a while of doing this I PROMISE you will be so much happier.
