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I don't know if I'm using this forum in the right way but I guess I'll just go ahead anyway. I need to describe what I am going through and try to get some help because I am at an all time low. I've been crying many times a day this past week as things in my home have gotten increasingly worse. I have always had issues with my husband around his drinking- whether he seemed to be drinking too frequently or too much on a given occasion. Then, about 2-3 years ago something new happened. It was the night before we were going a road trip to a music festival and i called him from work and we discussed our plans- he was home packing- we were both excited. That night when I got home he wasn't there. I called and called him and he didn't answer. I called local hospitals, every friend we have to try to find him. I was convinced he was in a ditch somewhere and no one even knew he had a car accident. A friend of his picked me up and we drove around looking for him, then went to the police. At about 11:30 another friend found him at a bar- he didn't seem too intoxicated to that person, and my husband drove home. I met him there. He was very drunk. The next day I refused to go on the trip unless he agreed not to drink while there. It took him hours to agree to this and he finally did but his attitude and refusal frightened me. Since then, these "disappearing" incidents have happened a few more times. If not disappearing, the incidence of him lying to me about drinking on a regular basis has gotten as frequent as a few times a week. On Saturday I told him that I realized that I have expended so much of myself trying to figure out how to fix his problem and now I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to take care of myself. We had a good couple of days- he seemed relieved that we had talk- something we hadn't done in a long time. Then on Tuesday night he disappeared again. Then again on Wednesday. And again Thursday, last night. It has never happened two days in a row before. I am devestated. I tried to go to an Al-Anon meeting Wednesday night but became hysterical in the parking lot and was too embarrassed to walk in. Last night I went- unfortunately the time of the meeting online was wrong and I was an hour late. They ran the meeting a little longer for me which was great and I felt very warm and welcomed. I feel like I am being tortured these past few days. I called out of work today because I am such a wreck. I've done some thinking, and I am going to tell my dad about all this today. I've avoided telling my family because I am ashamed and I don't want them to hate my husband. I also decided I'm going to spend at least the weekend at my dad's house. Wondering if he will come home and what state he will be in when he gets home is too much for me to handle. Even if were not to be drunk again today, the avoidance of the whole thing is insane. And I don't want to force him to talk about it anymore. At the meeting last night, someone recommended that I not make any drastic decisions for at least 6 months while I continue to attend Al-Anon meetings. I guess I'm not sure if that means I'm supposed to suffer each day worrying about him. I think I understand that people at Al-Anon don't give advice but right now I really need some. This is really hard. It is my worst fears come true. I have told myself that I would never be the "type of woman" in this situation, and yet here I am. I realize that I didn't really understand what I was saying. The concept of alcoholism as a disease never really made sense to me- I didn't buy it- but I'm finding that I have a great deal more comfort and compassion for my husband when I see things this way. Last night I just looked at him and felt so very sad for him- I hadn't realized how much he is suffering with this too because I was just so mad and hurt. I'm going to go to another meeting tonight. Thank you to anyone out there involved with Al-Anon. I am SO grateful that this exists.
Wecome (((((((erinleigh))))))))), I'm glad you've found us. And how wonderful that you've also found an f2f (face to face) group that seems healthy and supportive. "wait 6-12 months before making any life-changing decision" is one of the things that's often said in the program - it's because as you keep coming back, and building your own program by implementing some of the things you hear, your own thinking is very likely to change - so that if you make a decision today, you may find in 6 months that something else occurs to you to try, and then it's too late.
Getting hysterical in the parking lot is normal. I can't tell you how many people I've heard share that they just cried for the first x weeks or months of meetings. It's because you've finally found a safe place.
Figuring out that you can no longer debilitate yourself in trying to fix his problem is awesome. You're absolutely right, the whole thing - including avoidance and denial - IS insane, and an extremely common symptom. You sound like you're squarely in Step One - we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (you can't fix his problem) and our lives had become unmanageable (insanity).
Keep coming back - you're in the right place, and it gets better as you work it and apply it in your own life.
Oh I can relate to this. You're in the right place. It takes a lot of courage to step out and either get in the doors of Al-Anon or even posting here. I'm glad you made it.
I did nothing but cry the entire time I went to my first Alanon meeting. I didn't even want to introduce myself, just said 'pass'. Plus it took great effort to muster up enough strength just to find, drive and attend my first meeting.
It's ok. No one passes judgment on you in Alanon. I believe it was about my 3rd Alanon meeting that I experianced my first 5 minutes of peace in years. Give a meeting a try- you can do it.
Welcome to Al Anon! Your story is typical (sadly). And your feelings are normal. Please, if you can, find local al anon meetings in your area and go to them. The people there will understand exactly what you are living with and living through and will help you learn how to deal with this. I am so glad you are here. Please come back.
Welcome, you have found a great organization of people from all backgrounds that truly care for your well being. I to can relate to all that is going on in your life. I was ashamed of the situation and wanted to keep everything quite. Our A;s have a terrible disease and only they can deal with it. I have been dealing with this for over 38 years and I am now only starting to take care of myself, please don't wait so long. Keep going to F to F meetings and read all you can on your A's addiction. There is a great book, Co-Dependent no more by Melody Beattie that is awsome. The book from Alaon, Courage to Courage is awsome. Continue to post and go to F To T meetings.
Welcome to this wonderful group. Reading your post could have been my life's description for the past year. I never understood alcoholism and the associated behaviors. My AH started by drinking at home and falling asleep on the couch. Then it was out with the guys several times a week...about three months ago he missed coming home for the first time because he said it wasn't safe to drive (probably accurate!) It only got worse and he started not coming home several times a week - I told him he was crossing a boundary - I want my husband to be home or this marriage wouldn't work for me. Long and short is that we are getting a legal separation and I'm shocked at how agreeable he is to doing this. The only advice to give is to keep coming back, go to Al-Anon and do work on yourself. This is much easier said than done as the pain and crying are parts of the grief process that we all go through. With lots of hugs for you..
(HUGS) Isn't it such a great feeling knowing you are not alone. You will find friends at your Al-Anon meeting who care, understand, and will give you the support you need. That was a big step going to the meeting, and the right step. Keep coming back here for support and ESH. You have made some good choices. It works if you work it!!
Well I don't think anyone in al anon is into suffering. The issue is that we can't actually change the alcoholic we can only change ourselves. In Al anon we adopt the three C's. That is we can't cure them, we can't change them and we didn't do anything to cause it. Of course really embracing that is hard going.
I lived with a disappearing artist for 7 years. When things were tough he disappeared. When things were good he disappeared too. I was devastated, sick to my stomach, ill with it. I let him hold all the cards. He knew what his disappearing did to me, he knew it upset me. He also knew that these actions in some ways gave him such power over me. He knew that I had tremendous investment in our relationship and he didn't invest the same. Of course he was "ill" with alcoholism and I was certainly ill with codependence. I became sicker with codependence over time.
In Al anon we get to learn lots of new tools. Of course none of us really want to learn them after all its the A who has the problems. The issue is that we can't actually force them to stop. We can however, learn ways to "cope" with their alcoholism in ways that don't destroy us. When we learn those tools like detachment, focusing on ourselves (what a hard one that is after all they are the problem right) our whole outlook on life changes. The alcoholic doesn't necessarily change (although some do, some do that) we start to make better decisons. When I first got here the only decisions I made were disastorous ones. I had no idea how to take care of myself. I came here and stayed for hours on end in the chat room, went to meetings. I stuck around. I got to know people. I stopped thinking everyone else but me had all the answers a swan song for a life. I started belieiving in me. This is a good start, this is a great place to me. I'm sure it doesn't feel like for you now but there is a change when we are "ready' to go in another direction.
I'm glad you are here. I'm glad you are reaching out. Keep at it.
Thank you everyone who responded to me. The amount of support is really helpful. My husband is sober today and although I said I was spending the weekend at my dad's house, I came back to get my things, found him here sober and don't want to leave. I told him I don't know what to do. Its interesting Toto814 that you say he doesn't seem affected either way about seperating. It is crazy to me to imagine, but I'm feeling pretty sure that my husband would react the same way. He basically has reacted that way to all of my threats to leave. Right now I'm experiencing such a roller coaster of emotions- sometimes I feel sad, others very angry, regretful, ashamed, and for the first time in a long time- really in love with him. I've been so mad for so long that I lost that. Now that I feel again but have to face our situation at the same time, the pain is enormous. I decided that, although I will be home tonight, I'm going to another face to face meeting wherever I can find one. When I told my husband, I asked if he would be home when I got back. At first he said yes, but then he said, "Well, I might get bored." I asked what he would do then and he said he would go to a bar probably. I decided I wasn't going to let this stop me from going to a meeting anyway. Someone in the meeting I went to last night talked about the addict's manipulations and I think thats what that was. So, I'm going, knowing that even though he then said he would go grocery shopping tonight while I was out, he may go drink instead. Its hard, but its up to him. I believe everyone who has talked about a greater clarity at some point and new way of thinking about things. I'm eager to get there because right now I'm so confused. Thanks again everyone.
I'm glad you are here. There was very good ESH in the earlier posts. I will reinforce the suggestion of keep up with the meetings, keep learning all you can about addictions, and take good careof yourself.
I felt manipulated by my AexH many times, the well if you are leaving then I will go to the bar, out with friends etc. Good for you for going anyway amd taking care of yourself first. I spent many years sitting and entertaining someone who really just wanted to be somewhere else anyway, only stayed home because not wanting me changing my patterns was a little mor eimportant for a while, eventually that did not matter either. This disease is cunning and destructive.
Hi E and I just wanted to share some ESH re: the shame of finding yourself in this situation. I felt that a lot also, in the beginning. But once you find out how many millions of people are affected by this horrible disease, the shame diminishes. I frankly do not know anyone who IS NOT affected by someone's drinking. Whether they are willing to admit it or not, is another story. Admitting it is a very powerful first step to getting the help and RELIEF that you deserve and need. Please continue to attend any meeting you can, whenever you can, wherever you can and please get the literature and read, read, read. Hugs, J.
Thank you everyone who responded to me. The amount of support is really helpful. My husband is sober today and although I said I was spending the weekend at my dad's house, I came back to get my things, found him here sober and don't want to leave. I told him I don't know what to do. Its interesting Toto814 that you say he doesn't seem affected either way about seperating. It is crazy to me to imagine, but I'm feeling pretty sure that my husband would react the same way. He basically has reacted that way to all of my threats to leave. Right now I'm experiencing such a roller coaster of emotions- sometimes I feel sad, others very angry, regretful, ashamed, and for the first time in a long time- really in love with him. I've been so mad for so long that I lost that. Now that I feel again but have to face our situation at the same time, the pain is enormous. I decided that, although I will be home tonight, I'm going to another face to face meeting wherever I can find one. When I told my husband, I asked if he would be home when I got back. At first he said yes, but then he said, "Well, I might get bored." I asked what he would do then and he said he would go to a bar probably. I decided I wasn't going to let this stop me from going to a meeting anyway. Someone in the meeting I went to last night talked about the addict's manipulations and I think thats what that was. So, I'm going, knowing that even though he then said he would go grocery shopping tonight while I was out, he may go drink instead. Its hard, but its up to him. I believe everyone who has talked about a greater clarity at some point and new way of thinking about things. I'm eager to get there because right now I'm so confused. Thanks again everyone.
Hi there and welcome! My ex husband would be fine for months and then disappear for days in a row. I know how that is because just when you think it's over WHAM it hits you again. I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep going to meetings, keep practicing the steps, follow in the footsteps of those you admire. Sometimes having other people who have been there that can hold a mirror up to you can make all the difference. I remember some of the things I tolerated and took as normal in the past and it blows me away.
