The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am confused. I've spent the last few years learning to care for myself, after spending years caring for my AexH, family, friends, any stray animal that walked past my doorstep and I do not regret a minute of it. I have experience and knowledge that could not have been found in any other way.
I find myself with this longing to find someone who wants to give me that same care I have given for so long. And anger because I would not take advantage of it like some of the people in my life have. Fear because this desire makes me vulnerable to accepting bad situations just for the feeling of being taken care of. My self worth gets dented thinking that no matter how loyal, trustworthy, honest, joyful, kind, pretty I am ... nobody has ever just spontaneously decided hey I want to take care of some of these day to day worries for you just simply so I can see you bloom, and soar the way you are meant to. The way I have always wanted others around me to, and myself too.
I seem to have this idea in my head that working a good program means I shouldn't want or need this in my life. That's before I even get into the whole thought of would I trust anyone who wanted to.
Is it wrong to have a wish for a knight in bright shiny armor when you don't expect your every whim to be taken care of, have no desire to drain anyone dry, and have this reappearing need to see people who have the strength and desire to do for others with no expectations in a larger scale than the little miracles I see every day?
I'm not forgetting that this is what my HP does for me all the time ... I guess I am just feeling a bit selfish and wishing for a mortal who has some of the same feelings towards me as my HP does
I feel this way sometimes too, it comes and goes because of the reasons you mention... we both know HP is the ONLY one we can ever truly rely on. I try hard to shift my thinking to TRUSTING this experience that HP has me experiencing... to believe there is a purpose in being without a partner (just for now.) For now, I believe I need to build my relationship and a reliance on a true HP. Because, in my marriage, my husband was my higher power... and his mother, and his corporate job... etc, etc. They were the ultimate authority to me.
I went to a wedding in October... many fellowship members were there. Still feeling a little raw from my own divorce this year, I felt extremely cynical listening to this wedding service. There was a wedding theme, "This is love." Well, this had me struggling to control my gag reflex!!! I decided to share my feelings with my rather cynical friend... "Is this love or is this codependency,?" I said with little horns shooting from my cranium...
Her reply was amazing. Quite beautifully, she said it was Good to be in a partnership... to not go through life alone... And that it surely had to be part of a divine plan. In that moment, I knew I was hearing the Truth, and that deep down, I wanted to be standing under that pagoda, exchanging vows with someone, so that I wasn't alone either.
I don't think it's selfish.
Just for today, today is perfect. It must be... it is reality. (I notice I suffer when I resist reality.) Just for today, I am in a growing relationship with the perfect partner, my higher power. I'm going to try to stay in this moment and feel the perfection of it as it is, rather than focus on what I do not have...... ( yet.)
Let HP's will be done... (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee at 09:46, 2008-12-04
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I dunno that anything is "wrong". After all fantasies can be helpful. I do know that I often feel very alone. For me the antidote to craving and wanting something other than I have right now is the gratitude journal. I know when my sponsor first suggested it I was furious. Nevertheless when I am really working on the gratitude stuff I am better able to be in the world. Do I have "poor me" moments, sure thing. I have them all the time. The issue for me it isn't poor me 24/7 anymore. The gratitude stuff is hard going. I have to add to it all the time.
The irony is that I started it with my dogs. I regulalry spend parts of the day telling them how wonderful they are (they love that of course). How good they are at chasing squirrels, drinking out of puddles, small stuff. I found it totally changes my mood.
I know for me it is a huge grief issue that I've spent most of my life around people who just drained me alive and then wanted more. I go out of my way to avoid them now of course but I had no boundaries most of my life and people pleasing was a reflex. For me personally I'm not sure what love is in an adult form, I know what dysfunctional, merging, lose yourself stuff is but the mature interdependent kind is not something I'm familiar with.
I just had to tell you, what you wrote about how you praise your dogs, it made me smile. You also reminded me that it would be a good idea to do a gratitude list again. Right now I feel like the world is against me. Guess HP has a real good reason for all of the events happening. I just think it's so unfair. I try to do everything right, and what happens? I get stabbed in the back. Thank you guys.
I use to feel that way. Don't know where it went to or why. One thing I do know is that you would not have a house big enough or yard large enough if we were all to show up at the same time to love and support you with our horses white or otherwise.
Oh I know why it left. I was taught how to love myself and when I learned how to do that I never had a problem being alone with myself again. How ironic a lesson for a loner.
I am the worse insomniac. I am separated from my AHsober with no sign of him coming back. I do wonder (at my age) if there is someone that would care for me. I can take care of myself, I have my pets, my recovery friends, friends, work, sometimes my sons, my family sometimes. But wouldn't it be neat to have someone care? I don't know if that will ever be someone in my life again. Wonder what HP thinks?
