The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If I don't write this "out" of my system, I am going to end up tearing my hair out this morning!!! This has nothing to do with a-ism (or does it??), but with ME....which is what we are working on here...ourselves, right?
I have, in the past 24 months, lost lots of mobility to my sarcoma surgeries and lost lots of stamina to my treatment. Throw in the family dysfunctions and you have the recipe for frustrations big time.
I have burst out into tears this morning twice already just trying to do simple household chores while using a cane. This entails pain in the cancer leg, pain in the other arthritic knee from "odd" usage now, pain in the shoulder joints from walker/cane use, pain in the back from postures assumed. Something as simple as cleaning up the kitchen counter or looking for something I have put away (add chemo brain in here) just often undoes me. I try to not let myself grow bitter and I try to thank my HP for the blessings of my treatment, allowing me to WALK and to MOVE....some people don't have even that as they fight physical conditions. But it is soo hard for me. I have always prided myself on keeping a neat, clean home. Now I cannot do so much. My spouse takes over, but no one does it the way I do (see what I mean?). That old "must be in control" factor clicks in. The Mrs. Fix-in syndrome kicks in. Leads to nothing but trouble in the mind for me. Realistically I know that my medical care has been top-notch. I am fortunate (so far) that my health insurances have taken care of my bills for the most part., but I even get the "guilties" because these companies are paying out so much for my condition. How is that for "control"???
What do I want? I want to be flexible enough to mop my kitchen/bathroom floors, to get down on the carpet and look under the bed, to stretch high enough to reach the top shelves, to make my own bed without grunting and groaning, to work outside, to keep everything orderly and organized, to fix a simple meal without pain and stress,....well, it just goes on and on. I do my exercises and I am not "bad" enough to be in physical therapy. Still under the influence of brachy radiation, I know that the tenderness and sunburny feeling and the numbness will alleviate some with time. The radiation fatigue will pass. So although I am not sure this is the site to unload these things, thanks for listening to me. I just need to get the frustrations out!!
And without ending on negative notes, I am thankful for the past several weeks for a sober and helpful son, the one I know I raised before a-ism reared its ugly head. For that, I am grateful and will accept that just for today. Thanks again, friends, for letting me unload. I think I might feel better!!
I think it needs to be said that anyone in your situation would feel exactly how you do right now. You don't have the flu, here--you have cancer, and that's very serious, very emotional, very heavy. And what I'm hearing is that you're really angry at how powerless you are. I'm hearing a person who feels lost and helpless, and the wonderful thing about what I'm reading is that you're doing everything you can to not feel that way. You're trying your darndest to keep your life normal, the way you know it and that's commendable. Unfortuneately, I think it's also unrealistic. As you're describing cancer is a very physical disease. The chemo creates physical problems, the pain creates emotional problems, and everything comes to a head. Even in the most functional familes (and yes, I've met a few) cancer just tears at the fabric that binds them. So in a dysfunctional family there isn't much binding to be had and the stress just tears all the more. I think it may be worthwile to take stock and look at what you can/cannot do, what you need help doing, and where you can go for it. Talk to insurance and see if they'll hire a temporary home health aid, so you can have some help getting dressed, bathing, eating, cooking. Look at institutions like Merry Maids and see how much they would charge for weekly service, and if it's too much, ask around at church or in the meetings if there's someone who. for some agreed upon amount, can clean your home the way you want it, with the understanding that you have the right to end the cleaning at any time. Talk with your oncologist and see if there's "The Gilda Club" or another institution that can offer you counceling, support, and understanding that you need to specifically make it through the cancer. These types of institutions, and the American Cancer Society is fantastic for this, are there specifically for the individual with cancer and their families for as long as they want/need services. Right now is the time to be gentle with yourself. Don't shame yourself into gratitude or positivism. If you need to be mad, be livid! And then, move on. Be at peace. No matter what, we're here for you. We love you. And we'll keep doing that forever.
Thanks, Tiger, for the suggestions. I have been well versed by my association with the cancer treatment center I go to about all the services available and have utilized a few. Right now, we don't seem to need homehealth services, but the housecleaning service, yes. A resolution for 2009!! And I have also been fully educated about the toll cancer takes on one's mind and on the caregivers involved. Even when you logically KNOW and UNDERSTAND, you have days where you just kind of slump over and say...well, whatever you say!!! I have now established several e-mail relationships with people across the world, actually, who have sarcoma and even my specific type. It really helps to understand the highs and lows of it all. And finally, the philosophies of Al-Anon apply to so much more than just a-ism. I find more and more in the program to help me through this side of the equation. But I surely appreciate those friends here on MIP who read and respond to me. Communication helps with healing so very much. I am grateful for that.
It's amazing that you do what you do. I always expect way too much of myself and get down on me for not doing more, being more, giving more. But I always end up in the self loathing that drove me into Al-Anon in the first place. That's why my sponsor always tells me to "Easy Does It". Not my style, but I had to learn to do it. And it's much easier said than done. She just laughed at me when I'd say "Easy does it, my ass". The other posters had much wiser things to say, but I wanted to put my two cents in.
I understand not being able to do what you want. It's frustrating. A few years ago I hurt my back and was literally on my sofa for the entire summer. I had to roll off the sofa on to my hands and knees and crawl to the bathroom, causing spasms that would put me in tears. God forbid I should cough or sneeze!!
After a month of physical therapy there was no change so I just resolved to look at the ceiling until it went away. My family said they would clean, do laundry etc. But they did it on their time. It drove me nuts...lol My husband was drinking heavily and sometimes would come home late and trashed (and useless). Sometimes the dinner dishes didn't get done until the next day before the next dinner. The laundry got left in the dryer and was used as a drawer to keep clothes in until needed. The carpet had fuzzies and needed to be vaccumed, as the sun came through the window I could see the dust on the T.V. screen. I had guilt because I thought I wasn't caring for my family (they survived and didn't need me as much as I thought). Depression and frustration set in due to pain. I had plenty of time to imagine being paralyzed and that some people had to be that way their whole life.
I learned patience, tolerance, acceptance, and came to ask myself.... in a year will these things matter that aren't getting done my way or on my time? Well, I can tell you they didn't. Things got done, life went on. It just had to change for a while and take a detour. The light at the end of the tunnel was pretty foggy but eventually it shown. Your detour will bring you back to a familiar path once construction is over . This too shall pass.
Take care friend, Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 14:02, 2008-12-03
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I feel this way a lot too and that's without the cancer. I don't have time to do all I need to do, right now I have a cold. God forbid I don't get things cleaned up. I have a birthday party to throw Sunday, I have scouts tonight and won't be home til 8, I have a child to take to the doctor tomorrow, and on and on. Sometimes I just have to lie down on the bed and take a nyquill and say it'll be there tomorrow! I think we are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be on us! It's hard to let go, let someone else do it, delegate, accept help. There's no shame in taking care of yourself!!!!
You know I can't certainly compare my own situation to yours. I do know that for me when I'm not feeling well, rest and relaxation are so huge. Certainly having a organized, super clean and flexible house is important to me. As someone who's neglected myself for years and years for me personally it is so crucial to know when I am at my limiit. Yesterday I was there after a whole morning of gum work. I went home and allowed myself some downtime. I'd been feeling tired all week, exhausted, spaced out, irritable and in the usual frentic, driving when will I?
After an afternoon of resting and really working on eating well, taking a break I feel better. For me personally as a recovering codependent the concept of pacing myself isn't in there. I'm working on it. I can't do it all today. I know where I get to when I do that. There are tons of people out there who have physical limitations. I know they have to have some ways to not be eaten up with frustration. I also know for me breaking things down into what I can do is so so key. Fatigue is an issue for me sometimes and I have to watch my health fiercely. I really dont' know how I survived the first year out from leaving the A. Setting reasonable goals is so key for me. What can I do which is reasonable rather than how can I break my neck then wonder why I am exhausted otherwise.
Of course if anyone had suggested any of the pacing, being reasonable to me as a active codependent I'd be furious, after all obsessing and being in control were so crucial. Self criticism and perfectionism are my constant companions. They probably kept me together in certain ways. Just as I have had to say "no" to others I have also had to work on internal boundaries of when do I need to rest, play, recuperate and how do I refuel.
